History has proved that Paris Hilton is about as good at leaving jail as she is at making successful pop albums or performing oral sex on men without it ending up on the internet, but this time Paris Hilton has really left jail for good.
At 12.15am local time Paris Hilton left the Century Regional Detention Facility which has been her home, on and off, for the last three weeks to a flurry of paparazzi and news reporters. Now she's free, it's up to Paris Hilton to try and convince the world that her jail sentence has left her a changed women; but first she'll need to slowly adapt to life outside jail first. For instance, it'll be a few days before Paris Hilton will be able to sleep without the soothing accompaniment of the sound of women crying and screaming for their lives, and we also expect that it'll be hard for Paris to follow orders for a while unless a scar-faced tattooed butch lesbian screams the orders while jabbing a toothbrush/razorblade shiv into the small of her terrified back.
So it's official: Paris Hilton has now both done the crime and paid the time. Well, she's done the time for the crime of violating her probation after a drink-drive arrest – the crimes of her underselling pop album and the continued production of The Simple Life have still gone woefully unpunished – but the time that Paris Hilton did for the crime that she did the time for was so spectacularly mismanaged from the outset that it's almost begging to be passed down into folklore.
Who can forget when Paris Hilton's 45-day jail sentence was reduced to just 23 days in a cushy celebrity jail and Paris decided that she was too beautiful for jail and everyone wanted to kill her? Or when Paris Hilton went to jail and then got released from jail and then went to court and then went back to jail because people said she was being given preferential treatment even though she stayed in jail longer than anyone ever? Who can forget that? Can you? Well now Paris Hilton can put all that behind her because she's free. Reuters reports:
Hilton came out of the Century Regional Detention Facility about 12:15 a.m. (0715 GMT) and a swarm of photographers and camera crews awaited her. Dressed casually in dark slacks and a short-sleeved top, Hilton made no statement but had a broad smile as she walked down a paparazzi-lined path to a sports utility vehicle where she was embraced by her mother Kathy. The Hiltons left quickly with several vehicles full of photographers tailing them on the freeway.
And we expect that jail will have changed Paris Hilton forever. Before she was incarcerated, Paris Hilton only ever used her celebrity for evil, like making brainless TV shows and thinking that stumbling around and murmuring "that's hot" at everything like some sort of wonky-eyed thermometer was a reasonable way to live her life. Now God has told Paris Hilton to behave and not take pillows for granted any more, it means that Paris Hilton is going to dedicate her life to doing good and changing the world and only going on serious shows like Larry King, with the memory of women shitting in their pants acting as enough of a conscience to ensure that Paris Hilton never goes to jail ever again.
But what about you? You've been as involved in this tale of Paris Hilton going to jail as anyone else, and now that Paris has been released you're just left in the lurch. Don't worry, Paris Hilton cares about you too now – that why you only have a few days to wait before you can go through all this again with Nicole Richie.
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whomitmayconcern says
Oh, wonderful.
Now we can look forward to more continuing coverage of this walking blonde gonococcus.
bobby says
i can not believe she is out of jail i am so happy