There's a lot of chatter about Paris Hilton right now, and how she's received special celebrity treatment in her sentencing; and it's true – it's just that Paris Hilton's special treatment involves her staying in jail for way longer than usual.
A new study has revealed that, while the bulk of the population stays at home making intricate wonky-eyed Paris Hilton effigies to be burnt on the street in anger over her perceived easy ride in jail, Paris Hilton is actually serving more time than 80% of other inmates doing time for similar crimes. In fact, most nonviolent female prisoners sentenced to less than 90 days, like Paris, tend to be released the second they enter jail, which makes Paris Hilton's full jail term look even more ridiculously harsh.
Our point? We'll get to it when we've stopped laughing so hard at Paris Hilton's misfortune.
In her time, Paris Hilton has done so much that she should have been locked up for – like fighting girls in nightclubs, going out dressed like a wanker, leaving invisible bruises on Lindsay Lohan, her entire professional output between 2003-2007 – but in the end what got Paris Hilton was a probation violation stemming from a drink-drive arrest. And Paris Hilton is paying for that slip-up harder than anyone else.
Not just emotionally – although we're sure Paris Hilton must be having trouble dealing with the sound of all those women shitting themselves, her talent agency dumping her and her freakishly sudden religious conversion, since we've seen The Simple Life and we know that Paris Hilton has trouble dealing with putting suitcases on a bloody aeroplane. No, we mean that Paris Hilton is paying in time. A report by the Los Angeles Times suggests that Paris Hilton's jail punishment is harsher than in 80% of similar cases.
Although Paris Hilton saw her original 90-day jail sentence reduced to 23 days in a cushy cell, the shitstorm that Paris created when she was released from jail after less than a week was such that a judge hauled her back to court and then off to jail again to serve out the rest of her sentence in full behind bars. And, as the Los Angeles Times reports, that's a far harder penalty than most others get:
The Times analyzed 2 million jail releases and found 1,500 cases since July 2002 that — like Hilton's — involved defendants who had been arrested for drunk driving and later sentenced to jail after a probation violation or driving without a license. Had Hilton left jail for good after four days, her stint behind bars would have been similar to those served by 60% of those inmates. But after a judge sent her back to jail Friday, Hilton's attorney announced that she would serve the full 23 days. That means that Hilton will end up serving more time than 80% of other people in similar situations.
The report then goes on to describe how jail overcrowding, budget cuts and the sheriff's early release program meant that most inmates in Paris Hilton's situation only get sentenced to 14 days, of which they serve an average of four in jail. In summary, then, it's shit being famous because you go to prison for longer when you do dumb stuff.
But maybe this unusually hard sentencing will teach Paris Hilton an important lesson – that whatever she does, she'll get punished for it harder than anyone else. That's why we'd be most grateful if you could pass around the rumour about the new law stating that the public is allowed to throw rocks, acid and pointy-cornered pieces of household furniture at Paris Hilton if she ever decides to release another album again.
Read more:
Hilton Will Do More Time Than Most, Analysis Finds – LA Times
Effie Lump says
Four days? Christ, hold the kids – I’m going to get wasted and then bomb around town in my car
Christopher says
Horse pucky! Rodney King was beaten and tazed by 6 CHP officers in the presence of 16 more looking on and lived to see the 6 acquited even though the event was caught ON FILM. This for drunk driving. The all white jury insisted “There must have been a reason.”
4 days my 3rd eye!
They should’ve beaten her drunken arse and rented out the video to pay for new jail houses.
tamara says
der. . .the whole point was that there was NO reason to touch Rodney King, despite a jury’s quibbling. What’s that example of malevolence, sick and sadistic injustice got to do with Paris Hilton moron? Oh, the drunk driving thing I get it
cumtherev says
Let us all shed copious tears for the fate of our new sister in torment, Paris. What demon hath betook her to foment evil before, must surely be cast out in yon cell. Then, I doubt not, she will emerge anew, ready to help Our Lord and George in their Holy War to free the heathens in Iraq of their mis-begotten ways. Would that ALL our wayward celebrities could trip on so fortuitous a stone.