Sometimes we wish we we were part of the LA celebutante scene, but we've never had a failed recording contract or a doltish reality TV show and we've never sucked off a man on tape, so we're not sure of where we'd stand in the general hierarchy.
But, oh, if we were in the close-knit circle of pointless, vapid, responsibility-free, lazy-eyed Los Angeles celebutantes, then we'd know exactly what was going on between Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton at the moment. And we'd probably also have better tits. Anyway, according to reports, Lindsay Lohan is claiming that Britney Spears' new best friend Paris Hilton hit her at a party. Or perhaps she didn't. Regardless of what exactly happened between Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears at the weekend, we're sure that a good old-fashioned mud-wrestle will go at least some way to repairing whatever damage has been caused so far.
Paris Hilton is a woman with so many personas that you never know which one you'll get at any given point in time. You might get The Simple Life Paris Hilton, who stumbles around mumbling about temperatures and messing up tasks that a trained monkey could easily do. You might get the internet sex tape Paris Hilton, who mostly just lays around listlessly while some dude prods her with his danglies. You might get the pop superstar Paris Hilton, who writhes around a lot much to everyone's crushing indifference. Or you might get the real-life Paris Hilton, who drink-drives and gets restraining orders against her and apparently punches reality TV stars in nightclubs.
With Lindsay Lohan, on the other hand, you kind of know what you're in for – a whiny partygirl who crashes her car just as much as she gets spuriously ill who is so obnoxious that William H Macy wants to kick her in. When Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan get together it's usually eventful – in the past Lindsay Lohan has accused Paris Hilton of hacking into her phone – but throw Britney Spears into the mix as well and things get really confusing.
You'll remember that, in a breathtakingly pointless exhibition of post-Federline freedom, Britney Spears has been hanging out with Paris Hilton a lot. Their little jaunts out together included a house party on Friday night that Lindsay Lohan also attended. Dose reports what happened next:
Splash News cameras caught Lohan storming out of the party, where she loudly announced to the throngs of paparazzi, "Paris Hilton is crazy!" When questioned about her comment, the always-lucid Linds ranted, "I don't know. If I knew, then I would know, but I don't know." Before leaving, Lohan told photographers, "She just threw her drink on me, and elbowed me … There's no reason." She then pretended that she forgot something and asking to be let back into the house. Once on the other side of the gate, the actress began yelling "Cunt! Cokehead!"
Then the next day Lindsay Lohan walked up to a video paparazzo, pointed to an invisible bruise on her arm and said this into his camera:
"This is a video that Paris Hilton, and I'm saying this on tape, she hit me last night for no reason apparently, at my friend's house and I didn't know she'd be there, and she hit me and she hit me with a drink and poured it all over me. And it hurts and it's not OK. And I'm sorry for everyone that thinks I'm crazy. I'm not; I'm just trying to act."
Somewhat tediously, things don't end there either, as Paris Hilton's slave Elliot Mintz has also given his version of the story:
"At no time did Paris ever throw anything at Lindsay; at no time did Paris ever hit her, assault her, touch her, have any physical contact with her. I believe that a drink was thrown at Paris. I believe that harsh words were exchanged. But in recent days and recent weeks, you will note that Lindsay has said some very disturbing and very unpleasant things about Paris. [It's] without foundation, without truth, it's offensive to Paris and it might even be defamatory, and this must stop."
You might wonder why we're reporting about a poxy little squabble about nothing that happened between two overprivileged numbskulls with no proper connection to the real world. And we're working on an answer. We'll get back to you.