Girls Gone Wild’s Joe Francis: Retarded Juries Should Be Shot Dead

Joe Francis Press ConferenceAll things considered, Joe Francis is a real charmer. He first squirmed into the public eye in the late 90s as the founder of the illustrious Girls Gone Wild franchise, and he still pops up in the news periodically … usually for some shockingly assholish legal issue.

Over the years, Old Joe has been arrested countless times for a variety of unpleasantness, including, but not limited to, child abuse and tax evasion. Earlier this month, he was found guilty of three counts of being a huge arrogant asshole … oops! I mean false imprisonment and one count of assault likely to cause great bodily injury. Like I said, he’s a charmer.

Displeased with the recent verdict, Joe made an unwise decision to sound off on video during an interview with The Hollywood Reporter, and the result is beyond amazing. Nearly as entertaining as Girls Gone Wild: Funkin’ at Freaknik (my personal favorite).

Paris Hilton Is Still Trying Not to Suck At Making Music

paris-hiltonRemember way back when Paris Hilton was still relevant? Well, we must have all somehow been transported back to 2006, because she’s started dropping hints about her new album.

Lil Wayne’s mentor Birdman announced on Twitter that he’s signed the heiress to his label, Cash Money Records, which is also home to Drake, Nicki Minaj, Tyga and Busta Rhymes. Have fun imagining a conversation between Paris Hilton and Nicki Minaj, for a second. There’s a pretty good chance it would end in Nicki rugby-tackling Paris to the ground and taking her hair extensions as a trophy.

The Only Bits Of Eurovision Worth Knowing About

Eurovision_Song_Contest_2013_logo Eurovision, the sparkly Olympics of the music world, was held in Sweden last Saturday, and as usual, there was only about 10% of it actually worth watching.

And it wasn’t so much about the cheesy techno songs as it was just one big game of ‘Who Can Come Up With The Strangest Gimmick’. Some went with giant disco balls, some went with lesbian kisses and Ukraine went with a 7-ft giant dressed as a viking.

Brad Pitt: Probably the Most Handsome Boring Person Alive

brad-pitt-esquire-1The whole Angie-versus-Jen debate is tired to say the least, but the man behind the fantasy cat fight, Mr. Brad Pitt himself, has thrust it back in our faces with comments he made in a new interview in Esquire Magazine.

In the interview, Brad suggests that he was a great big pothead around the time of his marriage to Jennifer Aniston. He began feeling “burnt out,” the poor thing, and then his life was transformed by ”an epiphany — a decision not to squander [his] opportunities” … by which he clearly means his opportunities to nail Angelina Jolie.

We all know the story: Mr. and Mrs. Smith, yada yada, and here they are a hundred kids later. Keep in mind, Angie was still pretty dirty at that time. Freshly divorced from Billy Bob, only one kid, and not yet the savior of all the world’s people. Friends was still a primetime network hit and Jennifer/Rachel was the world’s sexy/perky darling with the hair-style that launched a thousand ships.

Sarah Silverman’s Perfect Night Involves Bong Hits and Masturbating

sarah_silverman-1Sarah Silverman is definitely onto something with her description of the “Perfect Night” in her new music video spoof. Alternating between video vixen-sexpot and her characteristic quirky-dorky, Sarah claims that her perfect night would be to:

“Stay at home, order in, watch a movie, then masturbate.”

It’s hard to argue with that. And when she adds in bong hits and dental floss, you realize you found your soulmate.

Prepare To Need Therapy After Watching Tan Mom’s Music Video

tanning momLennon. Dylan. Hendrix. Bowie. These are just some of the musical legends that ‘Tanning Mom’ Patricia Krentcil is reminiscent of in her debut music video.

A video so deep that it speaks to the viewer on a personal level, moving them to see the world around them in a new light. A melody so haunting, so beautiful, that it could make even the hardest man shed a tear.

Just kidding. Although if you’re a fan of Windows Movie Maker, ‘The Robot’, and middle aged women in bikinis being groped  behind the presidential podium, then you are in for a treat, my friend.

6 Least Mind-Numbing Moments from the Billboard Awards

justin-bieber-bbmaLast night’s Billboard Awards Show was pretty tedious … but, if you stuck with it, there were a few good moments here and there. Justin Bieber was booed by the audience and didn’t even cry. Nicki Minaj and her giant ass gave Lil’ Wayne a lap dance. Miguel literally cold-cocked a fan. The dude from A-Ha joined Pitbull and Christina Aguilera on-stage, and he hit that high note in “Take On Me” (lip synced it, actually, but whatever). And Prince proved that he still rules the school.

The actual awards themselves were predictable, with Taylor Swift winning pretty much everything. The only one she didn’t snag was the Millenium Award, which went instead to everyone’s favorite bratty little turd, Justin Bieber.

Beyonce Is Not Happy With You Discussing Her Uterus

beyonce h&m shootTwitter near enough exploded with congratulations when multiple sources came forward to claim that Beyonce and Mr Beyonce were once again expecting the pitter-patter of tiny feet. The woman herself was apparently not so thrilled. 

Rather than a simple ‘yes or no’ answer, Beyonce decided that the best way to address the rumours was in the style of a fourteen year old white girl – through passive aggressive quotes posted on her Instagram account. Bonus drama-queen points for deleting it a short time later. C’mon Bey, you’re better than that.

Admit It, You Kind Of Like Kanye West

kanyewest
No wait, don’t keep scrolling. It’s about time that as a society, we embraced the ugly truth. Kanye West isn’t as bad as we once thought. 

Much like mould on a fine cheese, Yeezy is growing on us, and although it may seem like an icky idea, you’ll be glad it did in the long run. Sure, we once hated his guts for being a narcissistic douchebag, but who ever heard of a humble rapper? Sure, he constantly has a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp, but maybe a list of all the reasons he’s kinda-sorta-maybe not so bad might put a smile on his face and make him feel his Kanye Best?

Diddy Goes Downtown, the First Black Dude to Rock the Abbey

diddy-downton-abbeyLast night, the wee section of the twit-O-sphere that digs both hip hop and British period dramas, wet its collective pants over Diddy’s announcement that he had become a series regular on Downton Abbey. But, alas, it was all in jest … Diddy, that jokester, was just promoting his new Funny Or Die video.

In the video, Diddy clarifies recent press announcing that the upcoming fourth season of his “favorite show of all-time – Downtown Abbey,” will include a black cast member, by explaining that he himself has been there from the beginning. The video then shows footage of Diddy wreaking havoc on Downton, even daring to call the marvelous Dowager Countess “a little bitchy.”