Gossip for grown-ups
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Let’s get all television on your collective peepers for just a moment, as we recap the superb first series of the hallucinogenic series, Breaking Bad. Walter White (Bryan Cranston) is a middle-aged schmo, working as a high school chemistry teacher and moonlighting at a car wash to make ends meet for his pregnant wife (the preposterously named Skylar) and their disabled child, Walt Jnr. If you’re not already depressed by the already EastEnders Christmas Special storyline, then things take a turn for the worst as Walt is diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. It’s when Walt chooses what to do with the last days of his life that makes this show so riveting, that you’ll be clamouring for your next fix.
Despite your possible concern over our wellbeing, we haven’t got everything totally muddled up and confused. Yes, we know that the majority of you may thought we've confused Joy Orbison with Roy Orbison, but the two couldn’t be more different. One of them is an old American who sings songs about pretty woman and California being blue. The other is an up and coming electronic star from that London place, making records that are selling out instantly. We’re keeping it on a dubstep/ambient/feelgood vibe again - this is the sort of ...
Look, I know you’re busy, so I’ll make this quick. What with all the problems with the economy, the BP oil spill, those contagious monkeys hanging round your flat, that growth on the inside of your right nasal passage and all that stuff, you probably haven’t been keeping up with the latest news involving ‘kind of used to be famous, scarily orange girls who fall out of nightclubs for a living’, such as Tara Reid. God knows you haven’t been following her straight-to-video film career, right? I mean, no one has. Most of the films she made in the last two years don’t even have Wikipedia pages. How is that possible? Even Hitler Bacon has an entry, and that sounds made up (and totally delicious).
Leonardo DiCaprio, you are an idiot. An actual, dribbling, barely comprehensible buffoon. Your stupidity alarms us. Haven't you been watching? What's the most important lesson that anybody has learnt over the last couple of weeks? That's right - that you don't make Mel Gibson angry. You just don't. You do whatever he says, because if you don't you'll end up on the receiving end of 30 increasingly terrifying phonecalls where Mel Gibson will swear at you, tell you that you deserve to be raped, berate you for lack of enthusiasm when it comes to oral sex and pant like a weirdo for upwards of 45 minutes at a time. To reiterate, YOU DON'T MAKE MEL GIBSON ANGRY. So what has Leonardo DiCaprio done? He's decided that he doesn't want to be in Mel Gibson's new film any more. The idiot. May God have mercy on his soul.
Remember when we told you that American Idol's dream judges included Elton John and Justin Timberlake? You do? Good. And remember when you thought that Elton John and Justin Timberlake would never judge American Idol because, even by Simon Cowell's standards, they'd both be too ridiculously expensive? Also good. Now think to yourself - if you had to pick a judge for American Idol who was less famous than Elton John and Justin Timberlake, and so desperate for work that they'd probably do it on the cheap, who would you pick? Jennifer Lopez? Funny, that's exactly who the American Idol producers have reportedly picked, too. Not to replace Simon Cowell, you understand. Jennifer Lopez will replace Ellen DeGeneres. She's left too. Did we mention that? We meant to.
What could an acquitted paedophile and alleged Nazi fetishist like Michael Jackson and PopCap games, the producer of many bland and unoriginal flash-based casual games that people gain a Warcraft-like addiction to, possibly have in common? Aside from the obvious evils on both fronts the answer is Plants vs. Zombies. Plants vs. Zombies is a tower defence style game in which the player assumes the role of a homeowner who uses plants to deter zombies from stealing his house/eating his brain/doing whatever the hell it is zombies actually do. Thrilling, I know.
The first Sushi Cat game was a breath of fresh air. It was simple, it was pretty and it was fun. So how have the makers of Sushi Cat improved the formula for Sushi Cat: The Honeymoon? Funny story: they haven’t. Sushi Cat: The Honeymoon is EXACTLY THE SAME as Sushi Cat. Not that it matters, of course - we still played it all the way from beginning with a stupid great smile on our face in spite of several pressing deadlines. Sushi Cat is awesome. And we say that ...
Good news, everyone! Cheryl Cole has recovered from her malaria! She's completely, definitely 100% better. How do we know this? Because she was seen buying a coffee at a service station recently? No, it's because staff at the coffee shop described Cheryl Cole as looking 'pale' and 'thin' and 'not fully with it' when she bought her coffee. Pale and thin and not fully with it? That's the Cheryl Cole we know and love! Obviously there's still a way to go until she's back at the peak of her powers - when she bought the coffee Cheryl Cole was wearing jeans and a cotton top and not an impractical-looking designer dress made out of cutlery, and she didn't even beat up any toilet attendants when the opportunity presented itself - but this paleness, thinness and vagueness is a very good sign. Well done Cheryl Cole!
