Gwyneth Paltrow Used to Be Really Cool

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Recently, Gwyneth Paltrow took to Instagram to post a Throwback Thursday pic from 1992 with her ex-boyfriend, Donavan Leitch. She was 19, not famous, and, dare I say, looked pretty cool (yes, I think people look cool when they smoke. I’m such a nerd). Then I thought: Man, remember back when Gwyneth Paltrow was really fucking cool?

It was a glorious time called the 1990s and everyone from Johnny Depp to Leonardo DiCaprio to Madonna was exponentially cooler. EVEN Gwyneth Paltrow. In fact, she was kind of a big deal in the world of cool. Of course, this was before she was the pretentious, kale-loving cunt we all know and hate today.

David Copperfield has Rich White People Problems

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It’s days like this that make me thankful I don’t live in a swanky, Manhattan apartment, because you never know what kind of asshole is going to live in your building and have a giant indoor pool which might eventually burst and flood the whole damn building. The asshole in this particular scenario is David Copperfield, whose swanky ass pool recently burst (how does that happen?!) and flooded his whole NYC apartment building, leaving a bunch of rich folk with some damp shit.

When I first heard this story, I was like “David Copperfield must be a pretty shitty psychic if he didn’t see this coming”, then I remembered he was a magician, not a psychic. Miss Cleo could never afford an 8,000 square foot Manhattan apartment with a full size indoor pool. Miss Cleo would be lucky to afford a $10 blow up pool from Walmart to throw in a backyard in Queens.

Shocker of the Year: Liza Minnelli is Back in Rehab

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Announcing that Liza Minnelli is in rehab again is like announcing that Kim Kardashian has posed nude for another magazine pictorial, or that Chris Brown done something douchey again. It’s like, yeah, and what? People anticipate that shit. But anyway, here it is: the beloved goddess that is Liza is once again in rehab. 

Minnelli, 69, is back in rehab for a drug and alcohol problem. I’m not even sure how many times she’s been in and out of rehab, or what drugs she is on now, but Liza has always been super open about her tru luv always relationship with painkillers, so one can assume.

No Shit Sherlock: Diplo States the Obvious

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Remember a little while ago when that DJ guy (or whatever he is), Diplo, dissed Taylor Swift for having no ass? Like he even started a kickstarter to buy her a booty? (Talk about taking things to a whole other level). Well, apparently Diplo, the genius that he is, has learned that when you’re barely a somebody, you don’t fuck the high priestess that is Taylor Swift.

In a recent interview, Diplo admitted that messing with Taylor and starting a feud with her was one of the biggest mistakes of his career. All I can say is “Duh, Bitch!” You don’t just show up out of nowhere and fuck with the Regina George of the industry. In the words of Antoine Dodson: “You are so dumb! You are really dumb! Fo real!”

Apparently Pamela Anderson is a Serial Baby Killer

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Pamela Anderson has been called many things during her 20+ years of fame: plastic, sex goddess, floozy, ignorant, tramp, hot mess, etc. However, her soon-to-be ex-again, Rick Salomon, has really taken the cake when it comes to Pamela Anderson name calling. Salomon recently made a ton of accusations against Anderson and he legitimately called her a “serial baby killer”.

Apparently the Queen of Peta bullshit has a real fucked up abortion fetish. Now, I’m not talking about the kind of woman who gets pregnant by accident and chooses abortion because she knows that’s for the best, because that shit happens and it’s awful. No, Pam allegedly gets pregnant ON purpose so she can have an abortion! I’d say this was some obvious bullshit if it weren’t for the fact that Rick isn’t the first Pammy ex to make this claim.

20 of the Biggest Celebrity MILFs

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Remember back when Kim Kardashian “broke the internet” with her lubed up ass magazine cover? And remember how that uppity bitch Naya Rivera was all like “OMG, you’re a mother now” as if having a kid means you can’t be sexy and naked whenever you want (Naya is pregnant now, so I look forward to calling hypocrite when she poses for MAXIM after having her baby).

Women have babies all the damn time and amazingly stay insanely hot and beautiful. In fact, some of them get straight up hotter AFTER they have kids. Here are twenty celeb moms who should change their names to Febreeze because they are fresh to death.

Madonna Jerks Off Kanye’s Ego and Says Other Dumb Shit

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As a broad born in the 1980’s, I used to worship Madonna as a God and thought everything about her, her music, and her manipulation of the media was fucking brilliant, but nowadays it’s kind of like she’s just trying way too hard. I don’t find her innovative anymore, now she’s like someone’s weird grandma trying really hard to stay young and hip and sexy with the kids.

Madonna has been saying controversial shit for years, but before she kind of always had a point. Now, it’s like she’s just saying shit for the sake of saying shit, like when she recently announced that Kanye West was the new, black Madonna, and that gay rights are way more advanced than women’s rights. Mhmm.

Robin Wright Throws Major Shade at Sean Penn’s Dick

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Well, well, well, it seems like Robin Wright has been drinking a whole lot of hate-orade these days, because bitch is throwing some major shade at her ex-husband, Sean Penn’s, dick-giving skills in “Vanity Fair” magazine. Robin recently gave an interview to the super fancy magazine and indirectly made a jab at her exes jabbing skills (see what I did there?) by proclaiming her current, and much younger, piece, Ben Foster, to be the best person ever at making her lady parts happy.

To be fair to Sean, their marriage was pretty shitty the last few years of it (they were constantly separating and getting back together), so there is a good chance he was just fucking her with an old sweet potato he’d put spray tan on, because apparently that’s how I imagine Sean Penn’s dick looks?

Kim Kardashian Looks Like a Harry Potter Villain

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Ever since they got together people have been saying that Kanye West is basically just turning Kim Kardashian into his life size, high fashion Barbie doll. I mean, I buy it, because Kim used to dress like every other cheap hoe at the club, and now she’s in fucking Balmain ads. However, it wasn’t until they arrived in Paris for Fashion Week that I realized Kanye’s transformation of Kim had finally been completed.

Kim showed up to PFW giving major Sharon Stone in “Basic Instinct” meets early 90’s Linda Evangelista vibes and I can’t even be mad at it. In fact, dare I saw it’s kind of her best look? I never thought I’d see the day where I’d think that Kim Kardashian looked genuinely high fashion, but here we are. Kanye’s work here is done.

5 Celebs Who Like ‘Em Young

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Lately, people have been making this big deal out of the fact that rapper, Tyga, 25-years-old, is dating Kylie Jenner, the 17-year-old youngest spawn of Kris Jenner. I get that a should-be high school senior (Kylie is homeschooled) dating a mid-twenties father is kind of weird, but when it comes to celebrities this kind of shit is basically a dime a dozen.

No, I’m not just talking about the Woody Allens and Roman Polanskis, but a lot of celebs that can be considered somewhat respectable have preferred much younger significant others. So before you get all uppity about Tyga and Kylie, let’s have a look at some celebs who dated a lot younger and no one seemed to find it scandalous at all.