5 Sexy Celebs That Are Hardly Celebs Anymore


Hollywood has been jam packed with young, sexy celebrities who hit the scene, quickly become It Girls and Heart throbs, dominate bullshit magazines like Seventeen, then hit their late 20s/early 30s and basically become completely insignificant, because, let’s face it, you were never that talented, just new, young, and sexy.

I mean, remember when Megan Fox was huge and like the biggest sex symbol in the world? Now who gives a fuck about her? Hashtag no one. She’s hot, but has the acting range of my great grandmother (my great grandmother is dead). You can say that all you need to make it in Hollywood is a pretty face and hot bod, but these five celebs prove that looking good sure doesn’t lead to a long career.

Ice Cube Is A Cold Hearted Bitch

Ice CubeAt one point in history, Ice Cube was a scary ass gangsta rapper who would probably shoot you in the face if you looked at him the wrong way.  Now though, he stars in movies that involve him getting in whacky antics with children on long car rides and crap.  It’s a major step down in the toughness department.

Maybe this explains why Ice felt the need to be such a dick and take the MTV Movie Awards way too seriously this past weekend.  But I gotta say, puffing up your chest about losing an award from a show where the highlight was Zac Efron taking his shirt off doesn’t exactly scream “hard” to me.

Johnny Weir Forgives His Husband For The Birkin

Johnny Weir Victor VoronovJohnny Weir and his husband are giving me such a major case of the disappointments.   After beginning what was shaping up to be the glitteriest bitch fest of a divorce ever, the two have decided to try and give their marriage another ol college try.  Ugh, all that promise of ridiculousness just wasted.

Thankfully, they haven’t totally abandoned their drama, because they are starting off their reconciliation with a totally off the wall post nuptial agreement.  Me thinks it may not be exactly smooth sailing from here on out.

Aaron Carter Chose A Paycheck Over Nick’s Wedding

Aaron and Nick CarterIn their quest to continue to make me feel old as hell, the Baby Spice of the Backstreet Boys got married this weekend.  Nick Carter became legally bound to some “fitness expert/actress” (Funny, I don’t see that option on my tax forms) on Saturday, and in true stunt fashion, they had it paid for in return for filming.

But the real side eye comes from the fact that Nick’s worse for wear in the face younger brother Aaron, aka MR HILARY DUFF 4 LYFE, was missing from the nuptials.  It seems someone actually wanted to pay Aaron to perform, and this wasn’t at a Betty Ford clinic.

Being Everybody’s Imaginary Boyfriend Backfires On Johnny Depp

JohnnydeppYou wouldn’t imagine there are many downsides to waking up every morning and finding out that you’re Johnny Depp. Having to fight your way through crowds of adoring women on your way to buy the morning paper, maybe. 

Maybe your big wad of $100 bills won’t fit in your crocodile skin wallet. Or, just maybe, you turn up to the premiere of your latest film and are served with papers telling you that you have to appear in court and swear that you are not sleeping with some murderous nutcase. Not the one that they’re concerned about, anyway. Amber Heard does have that shifty look about her, though.

Kate Upton Has Itty Bitty Titty Envy

Kate Upton Bikini TopKate Upton is trying to become a “serious” actress.  She hopes to achieve this by playing a ditzy dumb ass blonde because that’s exactly the kind of roles that have made Meryl Streep who she is, and everyone knows a good actress always allows herself to be type-casted.

Now she has decided to take it up a notch in her quest for respect and is shit talking the 2 things that have made her famous.  And I am not talking about her brains and talent.

Lamar Odom’s Wife Khloe Kardashian is Frenching French Montana


Everybody look out, because Lamar Odom is probably going to be hitting the crack rock again soon once he finds out that his wife forever (because he doesn’t know what divorce is) is rubbing all up on weird looking rapper, French Montana. We can only hope this leads to another drugged out Lamar rap video.

Rumors have been swirling for a while now that Khloe has had something sexy going on with Pitbull’s creepy cousin (1: they aren’t really related, and 2: if Pitbull is your cousin and people are calling YOU creepy, then you must seem real sleazy) for a while now, but after her recent walk of shame, things seem pretty confirmed.

Dane DeHaan is Totally Becoming James Franco


Several months back, I wrote a list of up and coming celebs who I thought would make a splash in 2014. Dane DeHaan was one of them. He’s mega talented, has a lot of great upcoming projects, and for a weird looking dude, I’m strangely attracted to him.

However, while, just a few months ago, I found Dane unique and fresh, sexy and quirky, I’m starting to see a shady pattern that makes me think he’s kind of just ripping off fellow sexy and quirky actor, James Franco. Let’s examine the evidence, shall we?

Surprise! Lindsay Lohan has been Drunk the Whole Time!


I’ve been president of the Lindsay Lohan fan club for like 16 fucking years, and I’ve stood behind that bitch through a lot. A LOT. I bought “I Know Who Killed Me” on dvd. TWICE! IT WAS $40 WHEN I BOUGHT IT! Anyway, I always had hope she’d make some type of glorious comeback, but, to be perfectly honest, I got over that dream after rehab visit #4.

Well, apparently I can finally say that I’m smarter than Oprah, because even after rehab visit #6, Oprah still believed in that bitch and tried to give her a comeback. Lindsay has her own “reality” show on Oprah’s network about her recovery and shit, and guess what? Bitch hasn’t been all that real. Just real drunk, maybe.

Kaley Cucoco Thinks Her Tits Were Her Best Life Choice (Probably True)


There are a lot of female celebrities I look at think “Now there is a girl who is making all the right life decisions.” Kaley Cuoco is not one of them. First, she took a job on the most annoying show on television (yes I know it’s super successful and she’s making dolla billz, but I can still hate it), then she dated the super creepy and weird-looking Johnny Galecki, and then she married some guy 20 minutes after she met him at an In N’ Out Burger (that’s what happened, right?).

So when Kaley told the Bible for stupid idiots, Cosmopolitan, that getting her tits done was the best decision she ever made, I didn’t really disagree. I mean, they look pretty great, right?