This Week in Body Shaming: Michale Buble and Selena Gomez

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Where do I even start with this shit? Ok, I’ll start with Michael Buble, I guess, because I’ve always fucking hated that guy and thought he was a total tool and now finally, FINALLY, the rest of the world is starting to see my way. The other day, Michael Buble posted the above pic and caption to his Instagram account, and people got really pissed. And no, it wasn’t just because of that smug douche bag look on his face.

Michael was in line somewhere and noticed that the girl in front of him was wearing some pretty unflattering shorts. Unlike the rest of us who might’ve merely thought to ourselves “Girl, those shorts aren’t doing you any favors” then gone on with our days, Michael decided it would be JUST HILARIOUS to take a picture of himself with the unsuspecting woman in the background so he could make fun of her on a public level.

Laverne Cox Slays in Allure Magazine

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This morning I was scrolling through my phone checking out the recent gossip that I could possibly report on when I skimmed past a pic of what I thought was a nude Beyoncé. I obviously went back, and when I did I realized it was not Beyoncé, but the transgendered queen of my heart, Laverne Cox.

Allure magazine has been doing a nude issue for years now featuring some beautiful female celebrities posing for stunning nude photos, but this is the first time they’ve featured a transgendered female celebrity. Which, heads up, is huge.

Taylor Swift Might Be Having Sex For Reals

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Over the years, the media (myself included) have made fun of Taylor Swift for basically being a virgin who can’t drive, who probably invites her boyfriends for sleepovers that involve tea parties with her cats and fave stuffed animals (I’m the wrong person to be making fun of that, because if you throw in “watch Love it or List it while wearing a cat night dress” you have my evening routine). However, it’s starting to seem like, GASP, T Swizzle might be doing it for reals!

As you may or may not know, Taylor has been dating Calvin Harris for like a month or so now (that we know of), and this past weekend he was seen leaving her house IN THE MORNING! Implying he had slept over. As much as it weirds me out, let’s be real: Taylor Swift is probably having sex.

Madonna Traumatized Drake at Coachella

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Though the world of internet memes would have you believe that Drake is desperate for love, even the softest man in rap has his limits. Cue Madonna, who performed with him this past weekend at Coachella (aka the festival of assholes) and decided to go all dementor on Drake’s ass by sucking out his soul on stage in front of a bunch of high rich kids who wanted to pretend to be hippies for a couple of days.

The look on Drake’s face in the exact look I had when my mom had one too many drinks at the family Christmas party and started grinding on me to Bruno Mars. Actually, scratch that, the look on Drake’s face reminds me of the first time I tried grapefruit juice. I fucking HATE grapefruit juice. It tastes like someone drank a ton of poison, threw it up, bottled it, and called it juice. Maybe that’s what Madonna taste like now?

Amy Schumer and Amber Rose Made the Best Ass Song Ever

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In case you haven’t noticed (how could you not notice?!), butts and butt fetishes have totally taken over the world. I mean, 2014 was really the year of the ass in music (we all know I’m hoping 2015 will be the year of the side boob), and while I thoroughly enjoyed all the big booty videos, none of the songs and videos really did the female ass any justice…until now.

Comedian Amy Schumer and person who is famous for some reason, Amber Rose, got together and made a song and accompanying music video about booties that really captures the beauty, and utility, of the female buttocks. The song? “Milk Milk Lemonade”.

Kylie Jenner Lets Us All Know Her Nips Are Pierced

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For a few months now, Kylie Jenner has been hinting to the public that she has her nips pierced. A couple of months ago she posted the selfie on the right to Instagram which blatantly showed off a nipple piercing. Then she quickly deleted that pic and posted the one on the left instead, which blasts significantly less nip. I’m sure Kris Jenner called her and was like “No teenager daughter of mine is going to be blasting that much nip on the internet” lolololol.

Anyway, Kylie’s been hardcore on the Snapchat lately, and when she’s not posting super weird videos of her sexually molesting her older sister, Kendall (I’m not even joking, but I just can’t with that shit right now), she’s posting more sexy selfies, weird videos of her being weird, AND pics that pretty much say “Yes, I do have my nips pierced, take that, the no one I’m rebelling against!”

Giuliana Rancic Continues to be a Damn Idiot

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 What is Giuliana Rancic’s deal (aside from spelling her name stupid and looking like an alien of some sort)?! Bitch has always been annoying, but nowadays she’s basically a straight up idiot. First, making stupid comments about Zendaya, and now dissing a Spice Girl like she’s all that and a bag of chips. Pfft. More like Giuliana Rancid, am I right?!

Apparently, Giulana dated Jerry O’Connell in the early 2000’s (who knew?) and he cheated on her with a bunch of way hotter celebs, like his current wife, former supermodel (and former Mrs. John Stamos because that bitch is DUMB. WHO LEAVES JOHN STAMOS FOR THE FAT KID FROM “STAND BY ME”???), Rebecca Romijn, and former Spice Girl, Geri Halliwell.

Another Kardashian’s Spin-Off is Happening

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Just the other day, I was thinking to myself: Man, the Kardashians really haven’t had enough television shows. I mean, sure they’ve had 10 seasons of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”, several season of them “taking” some place like New York, Miami, or the Hamptons, and then there was that season of “Khloe and Lamar”, but is that really enough? According to E! the answer is no. No it is not.

For those of you wondering what’s like to be bff with the Kardashians and work at their DASH store you are in LUCK! E! will soon bring you “Dash Dolls”, an inside look at the life of the sexy DASH LA employees, featuring Khloe’s bff, Malika, and her twin sister, who isn’t really on KUWTK like Malika is so I’m not going to look up her name.

T-Pain is Terrible at Keeping Secrets

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If you ever have a really important secret that you don’t want the world finding out, like that you have herpes or you think Khloe Kardashian is the prettiest Kardashian sister, then I strongly suggest you do not tell T-Pain, because that auto-tuned motherfucker does not know how to keep his mouth shut. In a recent radio interview T-Pain was asked about working with FKA Twigs and he dropped the bombshell that she was busy touring and being engaged to Robert Pattinson.

Once he realized he’d not only put his foot in his mouth, but his whole body from the waist down, he tried to play the whole thing off like it was an April Fool’s joke, but it was too late. Every Twi-hard from here to Ohio to Cairo (I assume there are Twi-hards everywhere) were officially crying tears of rage and betrayal into homemade “ROBSTEN FOREVER” T-Shirts.

Gwyneth Paltrow Used to Be Really Cool

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Recently, Gwyneth Paltrow took to Instagram to post a Throwback Thursday pic from 1992 with her ex-boyfriend, Donavan Leitch. She was 19, not famous, and, dare I say, looked pretty cool (yes, I think people look cool when they smoke. I’m such a nerd). Then I thought: Man, remember back when Gwyneth Paltrow was really fucking cool?

It was a glorious time called the 1990s and everyone from Johnny Depp to Leonardo DiCaprio to Madonna was exponentially cooler. EVEN Gwyneth Paltrow. In fact, she was kind of a big deal in the world of cool. Of course, this was before she was the pretentious, kale-loving cunt we all know and hate today.