Azealia Banks Needs to Calm the Hell Down

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For a little while, Azealia Banks had it all: she was a critically acclaimed up-and-coming rapper, she was hot, her song “212” was one of the hottest jams of 2012 (and it still remains my JAM), and she was bitchy-ass Karl Largerfield’s muse, performing at Chanel shows and shit. Then she started acting like a crazy bitch, didn’t release anymore music, and became a never-was before she could even become a has-been.

Well, Banks is back on the scene again, but it’s not so much for her music as it is for her ridiculous attempts at trying to constantly feud with Iggy Azalea. Banks has nothing but extreme hate for Iggy who she calls “Igloo Azalea” (an attempted diss about Iggy being white), so instead of working on her own career, she just sits around ranting about Iggy’s to anyone who will listen. Yeah, cool story, bitch.

The Sex Tape of Your Nightmares if Coming

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I hope you guys saved your receipts, because you’re all going to need to return whatever bullshit gifts you bought for people because a true Christmas miracle is upon us! The suicide rates will NOT be going up this holiday season, because the best Christmas film since “The Muppet Christmas Carol” is upon us! That’s right, a Mama June and Sugar Bear sex tape might be on the way!

Oh, I’m sorry, did I say that the suicide rates would not be going up this holiday season? I meant they will, they 100% will, because if this thing happens people won’t be able to resist watching it, and once you watch Mama June all nekkid and getting her groooove on, you can never unsee that shit.

Taylor Swift Had the Best 25th Birthday of All-Time

 

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Taylor Swift might sing about some relatable shit that people love, but in real life there is nothing relatable about Taylor Swift. Everything she does is pretty go big or go home, and that includes her 25th birthday. The above pic is from her birthday party, which included supermodel Karlie Kloss, girl group HAIM, Jay Z, Beyoncé, Justin Timberlake wearing a poop emoji mask, and Sam Smith. Not pictured: everyone from Selena Gomez to Emma Roberts. So yeah, not your typical 25th birthday party.

Taylor Swift and a bunch of people performed at the New York Jingle Ball the other night, then Tay Tay decided to have a few peeps back to her Tribeca apartment for an after party/birthday party an it was probably the best party ever because fuckin’ Jay Z was there! Somewhere out there, Kim Kardashian is ugly crying because Beyoncé and Jay Z couldn’t make it to her wedding, yet they attended Taylor Swift’s 25th birthday party.

Hayden Panettiere’s Baby was Not an Elf OR a Giant

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After being pregnant for what seems like a million years, Hayden Panettiere and her fiancé, Wladimir Klitschko, finally welcomed their baby last week. Even though Hayden is some sort of sprite creature and Wladimir is clearly a giant or an ogre of some kind, reports are coming in that their daughter was born 100% human and even weighed in at a totally average 7 lbs. 14oz.

When I found out that 5 foot in heels Hayden was having a baby with hot, Ukrainian Shrek I became instantly concerned for her vagina. I mean, that thing is probably already destroyed just from having sex with Wladimir, so just imagine what having his giant baby might do to her! Luckily for Hayden, her baby turned out totally normal sized.

Miley Cyrus Just Got Grosser

Miley Cyrus Paris Hlton CostumeAfter Twerk-gate 2013, many thought Miley Cyrus has reached rock bottom.   She had already taken off all her clothes and humped machinery, she wore an adult latex diaper and humped a Canadian singer about to enter D list status, so really how much lower could she go?

Well excuse me for not knowing how deep the well of nastiness goes, because Miley has gone further than I ever imagined.  And she went there with the Heiress of STDs.  I bet Liam Hemsworth looks at his clean dick daily and thanks God he got out when he did.

Even Gross Leonardo DiCaprio Can Takes 20 Bitches Home

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Back in the day, (and literally like a year ago) Leonardo DiCaprio was a timeless hunk to end all timeless hunks. Now? He’s gained some weight, has an unsuccessful man bun, and his face looks like Demi Moore’s crotch via 1983 (I feel like this isn’t the first time I’m referenced Demi Moore’s luscious early-80’s bush. You need to Google that shit).

However, that doesn’t stop him from rolling in pussy, because even fat and hairy Leonardo DiCaprio can get enough snatch to fill the goddamn Titanic. Leo was partying in Miami this past weekend, and while Drake was getting his ass kicked by P. Diddy and Miley was showing off her disco ball tits, Leo was dragging TWENTY girls home with him. TWENTY. I’d like to see how many still hot Leo could get.

Drake’s Feud with Diddy is the Lamest Rap Feud EVER!

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This has not been Drake’s week. First, Chris Brown apparently reignites their feud by bringing up how Karrueche Tran cheated on him with Drake while he was in prison (bitches still need to get that dick. Or, in Drake’s case, warm snuggles while Luther Vandross plays). NOW, he’s feuding with former pal, P. Diddy, who punched him in the face Sunday night (or Monday morning, it was 4am) for some reason or another.

Drake is one of the softest rappers in the game. Everyone knows this. The internet is covered in memes dedicated to this fact. So, I’m genuinely baffled how he has so many damn feuds. I mean, I guess I get the Chris Brown one. Chris Brown would spend a year feuding with a desk he accidentally walked into, but Diddy? Diddy is almost as soft as Drake. The only way this feud could get any lamer was if Ja Rule was involved.

I’m Guessing The Drake/Chris Brown Feud Is Back On

Chris Brown Karrueche TranOh, Chris Brown.  Karma is a bitch, and one that doesn’t take kindly to douchebags at that.  After showing the world how shitty of a person and boyfriend he is when he decided to kung foo Rihanna’s face, he continued his streak of being a crappy significant other with his next relationship.  And it seems like the time has come for karma to rear its head.

Not only has Brown’s girlfriend given him the heave-ho, but according to Chris she also cheated one him with one of his sworn enemies.  The same enemy Rihanna also messes around with from time to time.  Full circle, baby.

Kendra Wilkinson Has Convinced Me To Become a Stripper

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You know, I’ve never considered stripping a serious or profitable career. I basically figured it was just for girls with daddy issues who had to keep themselves coked up just to get through the night, ya know? I mean, I’ve been to strip clubs and I can’t say that those girls seem like they fucking love their job, but I guess those girls aren’t Kendra Wilkinson.

Former stripper turned Hugh Hefner wrinkley dick older, turned Football wife, turned reality star whose husband cheated on her with a trans woman, claims that back in her stripping glory days she made $500,000 in SIX MONTHS! Who would’ve thought a fake blond with a great body, cute face, and fake tits could make so much money in America taking her clothes off?! Oh, right…

Miley Cyrus Looks Like the Floor of a 90’s Gay Bar

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Sometimes I look at Miley Cyrus and I don’t even know what to fucking say. It’s like, you look like total shit, but I kind of love you for it, and Bangerz was a great album, but how many experimental drugs are you on at this very moment, you know? The glamorous outfit featured above is what Miley wore to her concert in Miami last night, and like the rest of her Bangerz costumes, I have no fucking clue what’s going on.

It’s like Miley built a time machine, went to New York in 1992, found out where James St. James and the other club kids were partying, went there, picked up random items she found on the floor, made an outfit out of it, got back in her time machine, then performed wearing said outfit at her concert in December 2014.