Jennifer Garner Hates Bromances

Jennifer Garner Kevin Smith BEn AffleckI know Ben Affleck is supposedly reaching his “respectable peak” now with his career, doing serious shit like Argo and all, but I kind of miss old Affleck.  The funny guy who had a little booze bloat to his face, had a pretty open love for dancers in g-strips and pasties, and wasn’t above a dick joke or making hysterical movies with Kevin Smith.

But that Ben is long gone, and while many thought that was due to just maturity, according to Smith it had more to do with his fun-sucking wife, Jennifer Garner.  Seems Bennifer 2.0 is not a fan of donkey show humor.

Orlando Bloom Tried To Bitch Slap Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber vs Orlando BloomSome mornings, I wake up and the sun seems to be shining extra bright.  Today was one of those mornings thanks to the news that Orlando Bloom tried to do what the rest of the world has wanted to for years- he attempted to knock Justin Bieber the hell out.

Of course, this was a fight just waiting to happen since the rumors began a couple of years ago that Bloom’s ex wife slept with the overgrown toddler.  I am just sad to hear Bieber didn’t get knocked out.

Lana Del Rey is Apparently Really Bad in Bed

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A part of me is starting to think that, while Lana Del Rey really wants to be the female version of Kurt Cobain, she’s kind of becoming the female version of Kanye West: every time she gives an interview she spews a bunch of eye roll inducing garbage. Her interview with Complex magazine was no different.

Lana, who is apparently pulling a Megan Fox, since every time I see her, her face looks just a liiiiittttle different, decided to talk about all the industry dick she’s ridden and how it’s gotten her nowhere. I guess, unlike her song says, her pussy doesn’t actually taste like Pepsi cola.

The 50 Shades of Grey Movie Actually Looks Kind of Hot

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So, a couple of years ago, I did that stupid thing that all females at the time were doing: I read “Fifty Shades of Grey”. I thought the writing was atrocious and the characters were really fucking stupid (No one says “Later Babes” or “Holy Cow”), but it was essentially porn for chicks, so I kind of dug it.

However, when I found out it was going to be turned into a movie, I automatically assumed it was going to be total garbage. You can’t try and make a porn into a real, regular theatre going movie. Plus, the story itself is just awful. However, now that the trailer is out, dare I say that the movie looks kind of…good?

Nicki Minaj is the Picture of Pure Class on Her Single Cover

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Nicki Minaj isn’t really known for being modest or shy with her body (bitch takes more topless selfies than Justin Bieber), but the artwork for her new single, “Anaconda” is a little much, even for Nicki. She’s clearly taking the whole “Baby Got Back” line “My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” line to heart.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good ass shot as much as anybody, but this is a little fucking ridiculous. If Nicki bent over half an inch I could tell whether or not she bleaches her asshole, and that’s not really something I need to know.

Calvin Klein is Lowering it’s Standards with Justin Bieber

seriouslyck?

Calvin Klein is one of my all-time favourite labels. Their clothes, underwear, and fragrances are legendary, so you’d think they’d get someone equally as iconic to represent them and be their spokesperson? Well, in the words of Squints from “The Sandlot”: If you was thinkin’ you wouldn’ta thought that. Yep, Justin Bieber is their new spokesmodel.

Back in the 90′s, Calvin Klein helped make “heroin chic” the look. Now, it would seem, they’re trying to make “white boys with dirt staches who wanna look latino” happen. Calvin Klein, stop being Gretchen Wiener. Stop trying to make stupid things happen.

Ryan Gosling Knocked Eva Mendes Up By Accident

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Well, I have to tip my hat to Eva Mendes. Not only did she land the most wanted dick in the world, Ryan Gosling, but when he seemed kind of over it, she pulled out the pregnancy card. Preach girl, you know how to play that shit!

New sources (probably Rachel McAdams) are saying that baby Gosling was actually conceived via goodbye fuck. Yes, that’s right, Ryan was done with Eva’s ass, but still decided to bareback it in her one last time and then BAM! Baby! Take notes, bitches, because this is how you keep a man like Ryan Gosling.

Brad Pitt Is Shia LaBeouf’s Sober Muse

Shia LaBeoufShia LaBeouf has been having a rough couple of years.  He’s become anti showers, but pro Jameson for breakfast.  It’s turned him from becoming a child star to legitimate actor success story, to the typical child star to hot mess tale.

But now, Shia has finally found a reason to ditch the bottle.  It’s not for good reasons, like a desire to stop fighting homeless dudes at 3 o’clock in the afternoon, but more because he has a new coworker he really wants to impress.

So, Naya Rivera Married A Complete Stranger

Naya RiveraDearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the coronation of Naya Rivera, henceforth known as Queen of the Rebound Relationship.

Or whatever coronations sound like. The Glee star married fellow actor Ryan Dorsey last Saturday, only three short months after calling off her engagement to Big Sean. Not to question the course of true love or anything, but can anyone in attendance confirm that there was a large double-barreled shotgun pointed directly at the grooms head?

The Top 10 Sexiest TV Detectives

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People who solve crimes are pretty sexy. I mean, not as sexy as criminals, because everyone loves a badass, but overall, being the person who figures shit out and saves the day is pretty hot. Just look at Columbo! (Just kidding, don’t look at Columbo, he’s a troll, but damn does he solve a good mystery).

Anyway, unlike in the real world, where detectives aren’t all that hot, television detectives are usually total fucking babes with chips on their shoulder and dark pasts, which I find very appealing. Here is a ranking of the top 10 tv detectives that make me drool.