10 Things to Get Jazzed About in 2015

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The first month of 2015 has almost come to an end, and so far it’s been moderately eventful (emphasis on moderate). In the world of celebrity, it’s hard to predict what the big stories and scandals of the year are going to be, but there are always a few things we know are going to happen that we can look forward to.

Here’s a countdown of 10 pop culturally relevant things you can potentially get jazzed about in 2015, because it’s always nice to have something to look forward to, even if it is Kim Kardashian’s book of selifes.

Does Johnny Depp Legit Think He’s a Pirate?

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The above picture is of 50-something, Johnny Depp, with his sexy 20-something fiancé, Amber Heard. The picture was taken last week and no, it was not taken on the set of the newest “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie. This is just who Johnny Depp is now: a crazy, middle-aged man who frequently dresses like a pirate.

Remember in the 1980’s and 1990’s when Johnny Depp dated Winona Ryder and Kate Moss and was super hot and a great actor? Like, people really respected him and he was pretty successful at the box office? Then he did one two many Tim Burton movies and, I guess, lost his damn mind.

Tell Me If This Sounds Familiar- Chris Brown Is An Arrogant Ass

Chris Brown ArrogantYou know, I was just thinking to myself, “Damn, it has been a minute since Chris Brown has done anything super douchey.”  And just like magic, Brown delivered us all a totally cringe worthy set of Tweets, completely making up for all the quiet time.

At this point, Chris is basically competing with Kanye for “Most Arrogant Celebrity.”  My money will always be on Yeezus, but Brown is pulling a tight second.

Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie are Finally BFF

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After a decade as sworn mortal enemies, forever hot bitches, Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie, are finally best friends forever. And by that, I mean Jen thinks the whole thing is bullshit and that “Unbroken” movie Angie directed was really good and shit. Which, I mean, to me, screams A SEXY LADY BUDDY COMEDY IS COMING!

Both Jen and Angie showed up to the Critics Choice awards last week looking hot as balls. Both were nominated (Jen for Best Actress for that movie about Betty Crocker, and Angie for Best Director for that movie about that Olympic guy who was also in a war or something), but they didn’t really cross paths or say shit to each other because, let’s be real, they never do.

Miley’s Brother is Getting Some Kennedy Action, Too

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I don’t know what they’re huffing over at the Kennedy compound these days, but whatever it is has made those hippy hillbillies, The Cyrus’, look reeeeeaaaaal appealing. As most of you know, super hunk, Kennedy cousin, and son of Arnold, Patrick Schwarzenegger, has been throwing Miley Cyrus the D since October. Well now, thanks to some telling Instagram pics, it seems like Patrick’s older sister, Christina, might be seeing Miley’s younger (and equally unhygienic) brother, Braison.

The Kennedys are American royalty and the Cyrus’ are…well…not as white trash as the family from “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo”, but slightly more white trash than the Hiltons, so if they keep hooking up I imagine a cross over of “The Beverly Hillbillies” and “Gossip Girl”, which is something I’d be totally interested in watching. Sexy secrets will be revealed during galas, and most of those secrets will involve possums. I’m into it.

The Oscars Still Don’t Like Jennifer Aniston

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Every so often, Jennifer Aniston will take a break from doing shitty romantic comedies and do some sort of indie movie where has to wear little to no make up and all her fans so “OMG, JENNIFER ANISTON IS FINALLY A SHOE IN TO GET AN OSCAR NOMINATION AND THAT WILL TOTALLY SHOW ANGELINA JOLIE!” This year, thanks to her movie “Cake” (which I know nothing about, but assume it has something to do with baking), her fans once again took on the role of believing that Jen was a sure shot for an Oscar, and once again they’ve been let down.

The Oscar nominations have been announced, and once again Jennifer Aniston was not nominated for Best Actress. But you know who was nominated for Best Actor? Steve Fucking Carrell! Michael Scott, himself. Go fucking figure!

Rihanna Might’ve Gotten All Up in Leonardo Dicaprio’s Beard

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Typically, a rumor about two sexy single celebrities hooking up at a party would be completely believable, so this whole “Rihanna made out with Leonardo Dicaprio” thing should be buyable, right? Yet for some reason, I’m just not buying it. On January 10th, Leo and Riri both attended a party at the Playboy mansion, where they were seen getting “hot and heavy” (more like she’s hot, he’s getting heavy, amirite?).

A source says things between the two got pretty steamy and they were swapping spit (the source LEGIT said swapping spit, which makes me think my mom after several white Russians is the source because I can’t imagine anyone else would say that kind of shit). However, I’m skeptical of the whole thing because, regardless of how hot Rihanna is, she isn’t a Victoria’s Secret model, and that’s kinnnnnda Leo’s thing.

Even Calvin Klein’s Embarrassed By Justin Bieber’s Tiny Penis

Justin Bieber CK adNormally I’d be against ragging on people for the way they look. But this post is about Justin Bieber and it’s pretty well known that he’s an enormous cockwomble, so we can all make an exception. Now let’s join together to point and laugh at his tiny little manhood.

Making Justin Bieber the face (and subsequently, crotch) of Calvin Klein underwear never made much sense to begin with. Twelve year old girls have no need for men’s boxer shorts, so they didn’t hire him for his influence. His default face in photos makes it look like he’s trying to read a size 8 font from the other side of a dimly lit room, so wasn’t for his face. Finally, the un-retouched versions of the shoot make it pretty clear that he wasn’t hired for his body, seeing as they airbrushed his abs, pecs, crotch bulge, and even his pubes. Or lack thereof.

Oh Look, Shia LaBeouf Is Basically Naked In A Video Again

Shia LaBeouf Sia VideoFor a minute there it seemed as if weird, artsy fartsy Shia LaBeouf was gone.  Fixed by Brad Pitt, LaBeouf again looked as if he took showers and realized that fighting with homeless guys was a bad idea.  He was even potentially starting to get hot again (I know I can’t believe I wrote that either).

But now LaBeouf is co-starring in singer Sia’s new music video, and not only is dirty hipster looking Shia back, it’s stirring up some major controversy.  Some see it as a super deep, complex dance piece.  Others see it is a pervy old dude in briefs getting way too friendly with a child.

Cameron Diaz is Really Rushed This Whole Marriage Thing

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After dating for 10 minutes and being engaged for like 5, Cameron Diaz married Benji Madden on January 5th in a star-studded ceremony held in her backyard, because all famous bitches get married at star-studded ceremonies in their backyard. It’s why I don’t believe any of these people actually want “privacy”, because as soon as a white tent goes up in a celebrity’s backyard in LA the paparazzi KNOW a wedding is happening. Backyard weddings are the opposite of low-key and subtle in Hollywood, but I digress.

Cameron married the less significant Madden brother (a man who formerly used to grind on Paris Hilton WILLINGLY) surrounded by pals like her scissor sister, Drew Barrymore, and now sister-in-law, Nicole Richie. Party animal and forever cunt, Gwyneth Paltrow, was also in attendance so you KNOW shit got wild, because that bitch parties with Beyoncé and Jay Z.