Britney Spears is Bringing All the Sexy

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For those of you who doesn’t read my posts religiously and engage in my constant self-indulgence, I’ll let you know that less than a month ago I got married, which isn’t what this post is about. What it IS about is that in a cruel twist of fate, mere weeks after I got married the sex Goddess that is Britney Spears released a lingerie line, which means instead of looking like a fucking hobo in my $10 Victoria’s Secret knock-off wedding negligee, I could’ve looked like the refined beauty that is Britney Spears.

I accepted a long time ago that God hates me, but it’s become painfully obvious that he loves comeback queen B. Spears because her lingerie line (which I 100% believe she fully designed herself) is on point. Not since 2001 has Britney Spears presented me with a piece of clothing that I would wear, so this is exciting for me.

Scarlett Johansson is Amazing at Naming Kids

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I’ve always liked Scarlett Johansson. I mean, she’s a talented hot babe, so what’s not to like? However, this week I went from just liking Scarlett to thinking she’s totally fucking awesome. On September 4th, Scarlett gave birth to her first child with fiancé Romain Dauriac, a little girl that they named after two of The Golden Girls.

That’s right, Johansson upped her awesome game by naming her daughter Rose Dorothy, and as someone who fucking loves The Golden Girls and owns every season on boxset, I could not be more pleased. This kid is so fucking lucky; not only does she get to suck on Scarlett Johansson’s luscious boobies, she’s also named after two amazing bad bitches from one of the greatest television series of all time.

A Bunch Of Second Rate Celebs Got Hitched This Weekend

Ashleey Simpson Evan RossAshlee Simpson, Jenny McCarthy, and Gabrielle Union all became official “Mrs'” this weekend to their equally unimportant significant others.   Not that any wedding would really matter after BRANGELINA tied the knot, but these were all super blah to read about.

But man can I just say, there is nothing more annoying than people planning big ass shit you feel obligated to go to during long weekends.  Like I want to spend my relaxing 3 day weekend at your wedding, pay a buttload of money in the form of a gift, just to eat some under-seasoned chicken and potatoes.  I really have to change out of my yoga pants for this shit? Come on.

Pamela Anderson is Really Decisive With Relationships

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Pamela Anderson might be a grown ass woman in her forties, but for as long as I can remember (which is probably as long as she’s been relevant), her love life has been more like a goddamn teenage girls. Bitch jumps the gun and files for divorce before she’s actually over somebody all the fucking time, and it’s proven to be no different with third husband, Rick Salomon.

Pammy married Rick in late 2007, then got an annulment in early 2008. They remarried in 2014, and a few months later BAM! She filed for divorce again. But, being Pamela Anderson, the type of woman who never truly gets over any of the dick she’s ridden, Pam has decided “Nah, Imma keep grinding on Paris Hilton and Shannon Doherty’s former slam piece for just a little longer.”

Even Canada Is Sick Of Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber Hat tattooosJustin Bieber is really begging for a little time in the clinker.  For a guy on probation, he has really been pushing buttons and just asking to add to his mug shot gallery.  Multiple fights, accidents, rumors of bribing Homeland Security.  It’s just non stop with this asshole.

Now, even Canada is over Bieber’s ridiculousness and has arrested him.  You have to be pretty shitty to get arrested in Canada.  I am almost impressed.

The World Just Got A Lot Unfunnier – Joan Rivers Has Died

Joan RiversOh shit, I am so full of sad today.  After a rough few days following a botched procedure, the amazing Joan Rivers has died today.

In honor of her passing, the least E! could do is ban all Kardashian shows for at least 48 hours and just air The Fashion Police nonstop.  I could deal with Giuliana Rancic’s annoying voice just to see Rivers in all her bitchy glory.

British GQ Must Be Having a Really Slow Year

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On Tuesday night in England, Kim Kardashian and Lindsay Lohan were partying in designer gowns in the same room while I was in sweatpants watching “Once Upon a Time” on Netflix because life is a cruel place and God continuously likes to play practical jokes on me. Speaking of practical jokes, GQ Magazine is getting really good at them, because the party the ladies were attending was the GQ Awards where Kim fucking Kardashian was awarded Woman of the Year.

I don’t know what I’m more upset about: the fact that Lindsay Lohan was in the room and they didn’t give the award to her (they’re probably waiting for her 30th birthday to give her the Woman of the fucking MILLENIUM award), or the fact that I fully stand behind this bullshit. Either way, both GQ and I are obviously making some bad judgement calls.

Jennifer Lawrence Naked Under Clothes; Probably Has Sex

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Unless you’ve been living with the Amish these last few days, then you’ve probably heard about the biggest nudey pic photo leak in Hollywood history. Some low life douche bag, who I assume looks like the comic book guy from “The Simpsons”, decided to hack dozens of famous broads computers and leaked nude pics of everyone from former It Girl, Kirsten Dunst, to current It Girl, Jennifer Lawrence.

As much as I fucking love looking at celebrity boobs (it’s legit a favorite pastime of mine), I’m getting pretty fucking sick of seeing lame ass losers who spend all day jerking off to anime in their stepmom’s basement, invading the privacy of young women. It’s pretty bad when I, Krysta Fitzpatrick, World’s Okayest Celebrity Blogger, thinks you need to get a fucking life.

6 Celebrities Who Need To Calm The Hell Down

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 In case you haven’t noticed, I’m really into celebrity culture, and, for the most part I find it all pretty fucking entertaining. Most celebrities seem to find the humor in the whole “celebrity” thing, but some of them are just so goddamn intense that there aren’t enough chill pills in the world to calm them down.

After close review and severe eye-rolling, here are 10 celebrities that really need to learn to calm the fuck down and get out of their own assholes. As I am not a celebrity, no, I have not included myself on this list.

The Beyonce and Jay Z Divorce Was a STUNT!

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File this under: HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS COMING?! This whole Beyonce and Jay Z marriage on the rocks thing has made zero fucking since to me, as they are the Brangelina of music and still seem genuinely in love (at least according to Instagram, which I always trust 100%). However, after so long even I, a devout Bey Z lover, couldn’t help but think that maybe where there is smoke there is fire.

BUT THEN, on Wednesday, Matthew Knowles, Beyonce’s dad and former manager, gave a radio interview and insinuated something that I cannot believe my little conspiracy theory obsessed mind didn’t come up with before: THE ENTIRE THING WAS A STUNT TO BOOST CONCERT TICKET SALES!