Lindsay Lohan’s Mom Refuses To Pee In A Cup, Everyone Panics

Dina LohanIt’s no wonder Lindsay Lohan’s having trouble keeping off the hooch – having her parents would be enough to drive Mother Theresa to drink her liver to kingdom come. 

The pair have been in a constant battle since their split in 2005, with Dina doing everything from accusing her ex-husband of  beating her whilst off his tits on cocaine to a drunken interview with Dr Phil. In between his constant press releases bashing Dina and telling everyone that Lindsay is a mess,  Michael even found the time to pen an open letter to his daughter in the form of a song. Like the Von Trapps, if The Sound Of Music was set in a trailer park rather than Austria.

The latest chapter in this never-ending saga involves a lie detector test, a reality TV show, and Dina refusing to pee in plastic cup.

Michael Douglas Blames His Cancer on Constant Muff-Diving

michael-douglasWho knew that a little innocent muff-diving could lead to throat cancer? Well, it can, according to cancer survivor and oral sexpert, Michael Douglas. In an interview published yesterday by The Guardian, Dr. Michael explained that his life-threatening bout with cancer was not caused by a nasty habit like smoking, but by his selfless oral pleasuring of a female partner … specifically, eating out a chick with HPV.

I think we can all agree that the idea of Michael Douglas performing the lingus is nauseating, but put aside your own dry heaves for a moment and just imagine how poorly his lovely wife, Catherine Zeta Jones, must be feeling.

Fresh out of treatment for bipolar disorder, her husband publicly declares: “Hey World! My Academy Award-winning wife has an STD! And not just that … she passed that filthy shit on to me and nearly killed me!” She is, undoubtedly, pretty pleased with him.

Rule #1 Of The Amanda Bynes’ Playbook: Don’t Call Her Crazy

Amanda Bynes Sparks Twitter War With Lance BassAnother day, another victim to add to Amanda Bynes’ increasingly less exclusive ‘ugly’ club. Former *NSYNC member Lance Bass questioned Amanda’s mental health and she was quick to unleash her wrath.

Considering the fact that half of twitter verse has made it their sole ambition to get a response from Bynes, I reckon fame whore Lance Bass is actually in hipster heaven right about now.

‘Machete Kills’ Has Got To Be Some Kind Of Prank

machete kills posterThe latest trailer for Machete Kills has hit the internet in a blaze of fire and exploding titties, and also looking a little like one of those fake movie trailers they played at the beginning of ‘Tropic Thunder’. 

It features pretty much every Spanish-speaking mainstream Hollywood star ever, and because it’s the brainchild of Robert Rodriguez, you know it’s going to leave you wondering how it’s possible to pour so much money and starpower into a film and still come away with a B-movie.

If you’re too lazy/busy/uninterested to watch the actual trailer yourself, here’s a quick breakdown of it by someone who has never seen ‘Machete’.

Britain Gets Offended By Jennifer Lopez’s Gross Lady Parts

jennifer lopez golden globesIf her recent Britain’s Got Talent performance is anything to go by, someone needs to give Jennifer Lopez’s bikini waxer a pat on the back.

JLo took to the stage on Tuesday’s Britain’s Got Talent semi-final to perform her new single, Live It Up,  and left several viewers clutching their pearls and calling for the smelling salts. Gyrating around like only a 43-year old woman clinging on to her career for dear life can, she gave the audience of the family-oriented show a pretty good flash of her downstairs, and gave several people at Ofcom heart palpitations and sleepless nights.

 

Ke$ha Don’t Give Two Fucks – That’s Clear In Her Awful New Video

ke$ha-1Ke$ha’s ”Crazy Kids” video is set up for perfection: a catchy tune, the #1 crazy kid herself in booty shorts and gold teeth, a crowd of bearded chunkers dancing by a pool, and Will.I.Am’s disembodied, hologrammed head in an astronaut suit.

It’s magic waiting to happen … but, unfortunately, it never actually does.

For a song about letting loose, the video is disappointingly boring. Basically, Ke$ha struts through a scuzzy party house, looking like a Weird Al Yankovic spoof of herself, in giant clown glasses and big chunky cornrows.

Kelly Osbourne Cries About Death Threats From Lady Gaga’s ‘Freaks’

kelly osbourne cosmopolitan coverThis week on ‘Feuds You Didn’t Know Were Happening’, Kelly Osbourne calls out Lady Gaga for being a ‘great big hypocrite’. 

Kelly covers the latest issue of Cosmo – which by now has surely run out of ways to say they feature sex tips – and has decided to drag up a feud that everybody else lost interest in a long time ago. Presumably, this is because the ‘career’ section of the interview didn’t last very long, and Kelly’s been skinny too long for it to actually be a note-worthy story anymore. 

Gisele Bundchen Is Sick Of Photoshop, The World Is Sick Of Gisele

gisele bundchenBreak out the cake and balloon animals, because it’s time we all threw Gisele Bundchen a pity party. 

The former Victoria’s Secret angel is urging the fashion world to ditch the Photoshop when it comes to advertising campaigns, saying that “our imperfections are what makes us unique and beautiful”. Uh huh, come back when you’ve got a hunchback, moustache and wonky eyes, then we might start taking your thoughts on imperfection seriously.

Days After Flashing Her Muff, Eva Longoria Earns Her Graduate Degree

Eva-longoria-1Eva Longoria has been in the news a lot in the last week for two quite divergent, yet equally significant events. First, she gave the world a nice view of her muff at the Cannes Film Festival over the weekend.

It was unintentional of course … she was hiking up her dress to avoid dunking the hem in a puddle … but there it was in all its glory. Then, while the world was still busy oogling her vagina, she earned a graduate degree.

Needless to say, Eva probably feels somewhat more pride in the latter accomplishment. And it is an impressive feat. This is not one of those bullshit honorary degrees that celebs are constantly having thrown at them. Eva graduated from Cal State University, Northridge with a Master’s Degree in Chicano Studies.

Amanda Bynes Finally Ends Up In The Funny Farm

amanda-bynes…But sadly not for long. Amanda Bynes, everyone’s favourite unhinged child star was arrested and sent for psychiatric evaluation last night for smoking a big ol’ joint and throwing a bong out of a window.

Amanda was reportedly sat in the lobby of her Manhattan apartment building, smoking a blunt and talking to herself – a standard Thursday night for her, then – when the building official called the police. I don’t know about you, but if I received a call telling me that someone from a 90′s Nickelodeon show was sat in the lobby wearing a platinum blonde wig and blazing it up, I’d probably assume they were the ones that were high.