Paris Hilton – the vacant, lazy-eyed star of an internet porn video, a TV show about how funny it is to be stupid and a CD so bad it makes us want to stab ourselves in the face – has been arrested for drink-driving.
Reports are suggesting that Paris Hilton was arrested early this morning in Hollywood when a police officer noticed that she "exhibited the symptoms of intoxication." We're not sure what these symptoms are, but we'd imagine they involve simpering around listlessly and pointlessly slurring to herself about how hot everything is. Oh wait, they're not the symptoms of Paris Hilton being intoxicated, they're just everything Paris Hilton has ever done in her life.
Of all the people in the world who would turn to drink, Paris Hilton seems to have the most reasons. Maybe Paris Hilton became sad about her wayward romances, or maybe it was the way the Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie aren't friends any more, or maybe Paris Hilton is using alcohol as a substitute for sex, or maybe it's because nobody has bought her album. Either way, it looks like Paris Hilton – who has a history of car crashes and, less relevantly, pissing into taxis – has been caught drink-driving, as CNN reports:
Hilton was arrested shortly before 12:30 a.m. in Hollywood, said police officer I. Isabella, who declined to give his first name. "The officers observed that Hilton exhibited the symptoms of intoxication. A field sobriety test was conducted at scene, and the officers determined she was driving under the influence," Isabella said, reading a police statement.
Apparently, Paris Hilton was then taken to a police station where she was booked on suspicion of misdemeanor DUI and released. That's it? No calling for someone to shoot her in the head? No rants about the fucking Jews? No Sugar Tits? We must say that we're mighty disappointed at Paris Hilton for seemingly not doing anything remotely interesting during her arrest, although we hear the forthcoming Banksy Paris Hilton arrest remix is going to be a blinder.
[story by Stuart Heritage]