Keep this to yourselves, right, but there's this woman called Paris Hilton, and this Paris Hilton girl – whoever she is – might be in jail at the moment; but don't tell anyone that Paris Hilton is in jail because it's a secret and nobody else knows.
Well, nobody else apart from everyone else in the entire bleeding world, that is. By now you of course know that over the course of the last week Paris Hilton went to jail, got released from jail, got hauled back into court, was sentenced to serve her entire 45-day sentence in jail and cried a bit. Now Paris Hilton has decided that she won't appeal against her sentence, which isn't all that bad really – not only will Paris Hilton emerge from jail looking totally way more malnourished than all her envious celebutante friends, but she'll also be released in time to discover the winner of Big Brother. We can't see what all the fuss is about, really.
When Paris Hilton is released from jail in little over a month's time, we get the impression that she's going to start her own one-woman version of the A Team, although a particularly crap version seeing as how Paris Hilton isn't a crack team of anything and she was sent to prison for a crime she did commit. And the chances of her cobbling together a makeshift tank out of a van and some old bits of pipe are pretty weak. And none of the A Team ever sobbed like a child and called out for their mothers when they were sentenced.
Not so long ago, Paris Hilton was released from her arduous 23-day sentence in a fancy celebrity jail for violating probation following a drink-driving arrest. It was all supposed to be so easy after that – she'd see out the rest of her sentence under house arrest, which would be mostly identical to prison except Paris Hilton could order as much delicious food in from an unlimited number of fancy restaurants as she liked and didn't have to watch burly women shitting in their trousers as much. But no, a judge quickly called Paris Hilton back to court only to send her back to prison for the full 45 day term.
At this point, ensconced in jail again, Paris Hilton's options have been severely limited. There won't be any more 'Paris Hilton is too beautiful for jail' petitions because the ubiquitous pictures of Paris Hilton's screwed-up face sobbing in court completely disprove that theory, plus Paris can't complain that all her fellow inmates want to kill her because she'll be locked in a cell on her own out of harm's way for 23 hours of each day. So there's nothing for Paris Hilton left to do except attempt a little dignity by refusing to appeal her sentence, in the face of reports she's refusing to eat and is in a hopelessly fragile mental state, as Metro reports:
Jailed heiress Paris Hilton has vowed to serve her time after being put back in prison… 'This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done,' she said. 'During the past several days, I have had a lot of time to reflect and have already learned a bitter but important lesson from this experience.' … and added: 'I would hope going forward that the public and the media will focus on more important things, like the men and women serving our country in Iraq, Afghanistan and other places around the world.'
We know it's a sign of weakness, but we feel for Paris Hilton a little bit. As much as she deserves punishment for breaking the terms of her probation, the cack-handed indecision of the Los Angeles justice system has meant that Paris Hilton has spent a week being paraded around in front of the world's media in the most humiliating way possible. And, after all, this is the hardest thing that Paris Hilton has ever done. Admittedly the second hardest thing was when she tried to spell her own name all by herself once in 2002, but that's probably by the by.
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