If we were Paris Hilton we'd be feeling pretty cheated right now – booted out of jail after less than a week without even a near-fatal shanking or an unhygienic, quickly-infected tattoo of a crudely-drawn anchor from a rusty needle to her name.
But all is not lost because, after the outcry that came when Paris Hilton was released from jail, a judge has now ordered Paris Hilton back to court to determine whether Paris should thrown back in jail or whether the rest of her sentence can be carried out under house arrest as planned. It'll be a hard decision, but Paris Hilton probably doesn't care either way. Sure, house arrest means that Paris will get to stay in her gigantic, luxurious LA mansion with every comfort she could ever possibly wish for – but the mansion just hasn't got the same number of violent foul-mouthed convicts who scream all night and shit themselves on purpose, and that's the stuff that a girl can get hooked on.
Well we hope you've all learnt your lesson from seeing Paris Hilton's troubles over the last few weeks. That lesson, in case you're wondering, is don't drink and drive. And if you do drink and drive, don't violate the terms of your probation by driving on a suspended license. And if you do drink and drive, and still violate the terms of your probation by driving on a suspended license, at least make sure that you sucked off a man on the internet first, because that way you can probably score a reality show and an album that nobody buys out of it, meaning that your fame gets your sentence reduced from 90 days to 45 days to 23 days in a cushy celebrity-only cell to your eventual release from jail after less than a week. The key is sucking men off on the internet. Do that more.
At the moment, it seems as if Paris Hilton was released from jail early due to some kind of unspecified 'medical condition'. This could mean anything from her wonky eye to her need to use taxis as toilets, so we don't want to speculate too much. What is clear, though, is that Paris Hilton will remain under house arrest for the duration of her original 45-day sentence. That is, unless a judge tells Paris to get back to jail, which could feasibly happen since Paris Hilton is due back in court in a few hours after her release was widely criticised by just about the whole world. Forbes reports:
The hotel heiress was headed for a courtroom showdown Friday that could put her back behind bars, as prosecutors sought to hold sheriff's officials in contempt for releasing her early from jail. Hilton was ordered to report to court at 9 a.m. and will be brought in a sheriff's vehicle from her Hollywood Hills home, said Superior Court spokesman Allan Parachini.
In a nutshell, Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer issued the order to bring Paris Hilton back to court after a petition was filed by the city attorney that demanded Paris Hilton should be returned to jail. Apparently members of the Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors have been swamped with emails and telephone calls furious at what they see to be Paris Hilton's celebrity status affording her different justice to everyone else. No doubt that, in return, the sheriff's officials will argue that Hilton's medical condition plus the rampant overcrowding of LA jails made house arrest a viable alternative.
Either way, who really cares? As we see it, one of two things could happen later, and we're equally comfortable with both. Scenario 1 – Paris Hilton will be told that she isn't too beautiful for jail and she'll be sent back to the prison. This is OK because we're told Paris was already doing well there before her release and it means she's out of our hair for a while. Scenario 2 – Paris Hilton is told she can return to serve the rest of her sentence under house arrest at home. Although this more or less makes a mockery of the justice system, we're OK with it because it pretty much buggers up any ideas that Paris Hilton had about writing a prison diary.
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Viking Lumberjack says
The most depressing thing about all this? When all is said and done, she’ll be more of a media sensation than ever before, and we’ll all be the worse off for it by having to incessantly see this lazy eyed Skeletor fight He-Man over who gets to abuse Orco at Castle Graysku…. hold that last one.
What I mean is that she’s going to be plastered over every television, news site, radio show, billboard, erect penis, cartoon, video game, and very special episode of That’s So Raven in the entire civilized world. The only way to avoid her would be to commit suicide, but even then, as your last dying breath gasped out, a new episode of the Real World would come on, possibly dooming you to an eternity of her.
Would this be considered the proverbial First Horseman of the Apocalypse?