Paris Hilton needs all the friends she can get at the moment – and she clearly doesn't even mind if those friends are softball-loving 77-year-old emotionally manipulative daytime TV presenters, by which we clearly mean Barbara Walters.
It's been reported that Paris Hilton called Barbara Walters from jail yesterday to describe the conditions to a supportive ear who hosts a TV show predominantly watched by cooing women. As many observers had already guessed, Paris Hilton told Walters that she wasn't eating or sleeping in jail and that she felt like she was living in a cage. To many people that would sound like a living nightmare, but don't forget that Barbara Walters has spent the last few weeks trying to placate Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck. A sleepless hunger-strike in a tiny cell or a working environment shared with an enormously obnoxious lesbian and a creationist with a voice like a dentist's drill? Forget Paris breaking out, we'd be surprised if Barbara hasn't broken in by the weekend.
Barbara Walters is the woman that famous people love to talk to. Barbara Walters was the first choice of Alec Baldwin after he yelled the word "pig" at his daughter. Babara Walters was the first choice of Tom Cruise when he wanted to announce his purchase of a sonogram machine. And Barbara Walters was the first choice of Danny DeVito after he got so drunk that he wanted to describe having sex with his wife and throw up inside his own mouth. And Barbara Walters is no stranger to trouble, either – just recently she's been in a fight with Donald Trump and watched as Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck screeched themselves stupid.
So Barbara Walters was the obvious go-to girl for Paris Hilton now that she's decided not to appeal her on-again-off-again jail sentence. In between crying hysterically and listening to the sound of other women shitting themselves, Paris Hilton apparently phoned Barbara Walters yesterday to hear the soothing sound of weirdly authoritative mispronounced consonants, and also to express her wishes to change. People reports:
During the collect call Hilton described her first days in jail as "a horrible experience," telling Walters, "I was not eating or sleeping. I was severely depressed and felt as if I was in a cage." According to ABC News, Hilton told Walters that her attitude has changed. "I used to act dumb," she said. "That act is no longer cute. Now, I would like to make a difference. God has given me this new chance."
Wait, wait – there's so much wrong with that Paris Hilton quote that we could literally pull it apart letter by letter, but instead we'll just bullet point our main concerns:
1 – Paris Hilton thinks acting dumb is no longer cute. We weren't aware that Paris Hilton acting dumb was ever cute. Puppies are cute. The sight of children feeding ducks is cute. A staggeringly vague overprivileged drink driver with a vocabulary of four words and a tendency to wank off men on the internet is not cute.
2 – Paris Hilton thinks acting dumb is no longer cute. Paris Hilton wasn't acting dumb because she can't act. We've seen House Of Wax.
3 – God has given me this new chance. God put Paris Hilton in a cushy prison, then yanked her out without warning, then threw her back into jail with even less dignity than when Saddam got hung. God hates Paris Hilton more than he hates Saddam Hussein.
4 – I would like to make a difference. How? By starting a support group for responsibility-free heiresses who don't understand that a suspended driving license means they aren't supposed to drive? By starring in a new series called The Thoughtful Life, where Paris Hilton bumbles around telling people to love one another and recycle more and, you know, like, stuff, all accompanied by one of her equally pointless friends and box of hillbilly violin sounds effects? We're dying to see how Paris Hilton plans to make a difference.
And, yes, we know that this is our second Paris Hilton article of the day. It was either this or a story about Disneyland's new Finding Nemo rollercoaster. You understand.
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Steve says
I can’t wait for her new porn film to come out, “One night in Jail with Paris Hilton!”
J says
You missed the best bit: “I felt as if I was in a cage.”
NO? REALLY? In PRISON? Who’d a thunk it?
Janene says
I DON’T KNOW WHO WROTE THIS ARTICAL, BUT I’LL TELL YOU THIS . . . GOD DOES NOT HATE PARIS NOR YOU OR ANYONE FOR THAT MATTER, WHAT GOD HATES IS SIN. AND YES GOD TELLS US THAT IF WE CONFESS OUR SINS WE WILL BE FORGIVEN. 1 JOHN 1:9 IF WE CONFESS OUR SINS, HE IS FAIITHFUL AND JUST TO FORGIVE US OUR SINS, AND TO CLEANSE US FROM ALL UNRIGHTEOUSNESS. WHY DO YOU WANT YOUR READERS TO BELIEVE THAT GOD IS THAT OF HATE . . . HE IS LOVE. READ JOHN 3:16 FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD, THAT HE GAVE HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON, THAT WHOSOEVER BELIEVETH IN HIM SHOULD NOT PERISH, BUT HAVE EVERLASTING LIFE. BY FAITH (THE REPENTANT SINNER) CAN BRING TO GOD THE MERITS OF CHRIST, AND THE LORD PLACES THE OBEDIENCE OF HIS SON TO THE SINNER’S ACCOUNT. CHRIST’S RIGHTEOUSNESS IS ACCEPTED IN PLACE OF MAN’S FAILURE, AND GOD RECEIVES, PARDONS, JUSTIFIES, THE REPENTANT, BELIEVING SOUL, TREATS HIM AS THOUGHT HE WERE RIGHTEOUS.
Leslie says
Since this revelation that you’ve seen House of Wax has come to the fore, I’m not sure I can be friends with you anymore…
Internet Pedant says
If only Paris had used Caps Lock. Then we’d have taken her seriously.
Gilbert Wham says
IT IS NOT CAPS LOCK…IT IS…SUPERFLUOUS ELLIPSES…THAT ARE…THE TRUE SIGN OF LUNACY…
aMEN.
Gilbert Wham says
That and half-mast drainpipe trousers. Seriously, have you ever met anyone showing too much sock who wasn’t at least a littlescary?
Kevin From Bathurst says
i’m still angry the bible left out the agricultural revolution
if i invented farming, i’d be pissed
Gilbert Wham says
Hence the angry, angry music of Jethro Tull…
Schmoo says
No, god likes sin – it gives him something to be annoyed about, and he’s a miserable bugger is god. Have you not seen paintings of him? Always scowling. No, what god really hates is capslock. He just can’t believe that after having bestowed upon us not one, but two complimentary sets of case with their own set of rules, that someone would choose to mock his gift by using only one. Worse still, he is flummoxed they would forego using the lovely grey lump he worked so hard on and choose the case that’s hardest to read, in the belief that it will ease ‘communication’ (by which he means forcing your opinion down other people’s throats). Poor god, I bet he cries every time that middle LED on your keyboard lights up. Maybe it should be renamed from ‘Caps’ to ‘God is crying like a little girl right now’? Maybe there should just be a little intelligence test when the capslock key is pressed? Maybe you should just wait until you have written permission from god before you use it? He could dictate it next time he’s passing a suitable mount. In summary then: Fuck off.
Viking Lumberjack says
Schmoo:
Brilliant. I couldn’t have said it better myself. Maybe we should start a campaign to save people’s souls by educating them on the proper use of the Caps Lock key? Still, you do have to admit that Janene’s argument is particularly effective in this situation because it made my eyes bleed. Perhaps we can cut her some slack for her cunning use of loud typeface to truly drive home her impeccable points.