We're starting to get the impression that if you left Rosie O'Donnell in a room with a nothing but a pile of dust, 20 minutes later Rosie O'Donnell would be bellowing abuse at the dust and rolling around the floor trying to crush all the dust in her fist.
Obviously it'd help if the dust was quite as staggeringly objectionable as Elizabeth Hasselbeck, though – because then Rosie O'Donnell and the Elizabeth Hasselbeck dust would end up having the same sort of deafeningly embarrassing 10-minute screeching argument as Rosie O'Donnell and the real Elizabeth Hasselbeck had on The View yesterday. We think the argument was about the war in Iraq, although it ended up being the kind of babbling, directionless, full-volume, split screen squabble that you normally only hear on the last train home. Needless to say, though, fans of seeing overbearing lesbians and fundamentalist right-wing bubbleheads furiously howling at each other with no clear winner on a daytime TV show – with only the magic word 'Alicia Silverstone' being used to momentarily sedate them – should totally check out the video of The View feud on the next page.
The nearest thing we have to The View in the UK is Loose Women, which is more or less the same except that an average edition of Loose Women features the woman who used to be married to Chris Evans bickering with someone who used to be on Emmerdale about curtains for 20 minutes before Curtis Stigers sings everyone a lovely song, as opposed of a group of ludicrously narrow-minded people who openly hate each other trying to bark their own abusive badly-formed opinions louder than anyone else because a discussion about the war got out of hand, which is sort of more The View territory.
The View has given us some golden moments over the last year or so. There was Danny DeVito lurching about drunk, calling President Bush "numbnuts" and belching vomit into his own mouth; there was Alec Baldwin's cack-handed justification for calling his 11-year-old daughter a "rude, thoughtless little pig" and, possibly best of all, there was Rosie O'Donnell Vs Donald Trump – which is a) the most harrowing sex dream you're ever likely to have and b) such an elongated farce of playground insults that even Madonna decided to briefly wade in.
Rosie O'Donnell is leaving The View soon, and after Baldwin and Trump and DeVito she needed a sort of high to go out on. So thank heavens for Elizabeth Hasselbeck – the cartoonishly right-wing pro-gun pro-life former reality TV idiot, exact personification of the reason some people don't like America and co-host of The View – for starting to screech wildly about the war on yesterday's The View, because her opinions happened to be the exact opposite of Rosie O'Donnell's, and people should know by now that that's fightin' talk. This is basically the fight between Rosie O'Donnell and Elizabeth Hasselbeck in bulletpoint form:
- Another co-host of The View with a voice like a cement mixer reads a list of why George Bush should be thrown out of office while Elizabeth Hasselbeck tuts and yelps like a Tourette's suffer being electrocuted. They argue.
- Elizabeth Hasselbeck uses the word 'Iraq', prompting an uncharacteristically angry response from Rosie O'Donnell.
- All hell breaks loose and nobody seems to realise how embarrassing they're being until someone mentions Alicia Silverstone and everyone calms down. Take a look for yourselves…
However borderline hilarious the video of Rosie O'Donnell and Elizabeth Hasselbeck screeching at each other is, we're sad to report that the two of them seem to have patched things up, as E! Online reports:
"I honestly think, I believe that we are mature women who can resolve," [Hasselbeck] told Extra. "I hope we can. I would hope that a disagreement or a heated debate wouldn't be the end of a relationship…This happens all the time with people…to not address something that was obviously starting to bug us would be a disservice to ourselves."
Meanwhile, Rosie O'Donnell responded on her crazy blog:
"a split screen/ new heights or lows/ depending on who u ask."
Next week – Rosie O'Donnell mishears two The View crew members talking about "a rack," thinks they're having a discussion about Iraq and kills them both with a clawhammer. On TV, right where everyone can see it.