Paris Hilton's lawyer has said that his newly banged-up client is "doing well" in jail so far, by which we're taking to mean that only one of her lungs has been punctured by an institutionalised violent offender wielding a razor blade in a toothbrush.
Now that Paris Hilton has started her 23-day jail sentence for violating her probation after being arrested for drink-driving, certain details have started to emerge. As well as the worryingly vague "doing well" quote, we've also discovered that Paris Hilton was "focused and cooperative" when she checked into jail, that Paris Hilton's first meal was cereal and bread and that several of Paris Hilton's fellow jailbirds like to shit in their own trousers. It's just like an episode of The Simple Life, only with more eating and being cooperative and doing well and stuff.
Now that Paris Hilton is in jail, she'll need to steel herself as much as possible. Not only are there prisoners who want to kill her and eat her shoes, but 23 days is literally the longest stretch of time that Paris Hilton will go without a) pissing into a taxi, b) making pop albums that nobody really likes or c) fellating men and letting them film it for the internet. It doesn't matter that Paris Hilton is serving a greatly reduced sentence in the world's swankiest prison, because Paris Hilton will still be punished just like everyone else.
Because she was caught driving on a suspended license following her drink-driving arrest, Paris Hilton's next few weeks will spent locked in a 3.7m x 2.4m cell with just one hour to shower, make phone calls or watch TV – a punishment worse than it sounds because it still takes Paris Hilton about 70 minutes to learn how to work a shower, make a phone call or realise that there aren't real people trapped in her television set and that they can't hear her when she shouts at them. But it doesn't matter because, according to her lawyer, Paris Hilton is doing just fine in jail. BBC News reports:
Paris Hilton… is doing well after her first night in a Los Angeles jail, her lawyer has said. Richard A Hutton added she would now "reflect on her life, to see what she can do to make the world better… She knows it's wrong, but her attitude is 'I'm going to come in here, I'm going to do my time, I'm going to get it over with and I'm going to show the world who I really am'."
It's an admirable way for Paris Hilton to carry herself, even if that 'make the world better' line is easily enough answered by the response 'why don't you just stay in prison forever then, you wonk-eyed fool'. However, life at the Century Regional Detention Facility isn't quite as swish if you're not famous for sucking off men on the internet, as former prisoner of two whole days Shamarra Thomas told the BBC:
"You have people defecating on themselves, urinating on themselves, sleeping on the ground – it's horrible."
Let's hope that Paris Hilton doesn't spend her free hour in prison among these trouser-shitters, because it's not hard to imagine that Paris would quickly pick up the habit as a way of swiftly integrating herself into the jail community, only to be unable to kick it after she's released. And, as Paris would quickly learn, doing a splattery poo down the inside of your leg in polite company is never really as funny as you think it'd be.
From experience, yes.
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