There are many things that Paris Hilton can't do in jail – like feel the sweet breeze of freedom or suck blokes off on camera for perverts to watch on the internet – but luckily Paris Hilton is allowed to phone up Ryan Seacrest from jail now and again.
And despite all the rumours that Paris Hilton has spent her jail sentence starving herself and crying all the time, her conversation with Seacrest instead suggested that jail has had a profoundly positive effect on Paris Hilton's life. Not only is Paris Hilton determined to use her fame for good when she gets out of prison, but Paris also announced that jail has made her grateful for every last grain of freedom that everyone usually takes for granted – like food and pillows and earning millions of dollars every year for doing nothing more than dawdling around acting like the world's stupidest numbskull. You know, the basics.
Paris Hilton is due out of jail next week. We know, time flies when you're locked in a building full of butch women shitting in their trousers, right? But Paris Hilton knows only too well that the inevitable onslaught of blanket month-long Paris Hilton media coverage following her release from jail will be enough to explode the ribcage of most normal human beings, and that's why Paris Hilton has been trying to break us all in slowly.
Although technically nobody's stopped hearing about Paris Hilton since she was sentenced to jail and then went to jail and then left jail and then went back to jail, Paris is aware that people want to know more about the tragic plight of a girl who was cruelly locked up, even though she thought she was too beautiful, just because she got drunk and drove her car and then drove it again when she wasn't supposed to. So, to help the public with this apparent desire to hear all about her, Paris has been calling her famous chums.
First Paris Hilton called Barbara Walters to break the mindblowing revelation that standing in a small room with bars in it it was "like a cage" and also that she'd found God. And now Paris Hilton has telephoned Ryan Seacrest to say how much she misses pillows and stuff. People reports:
"I'm so much more grateful for everything that I have, even just to have a pillow at night or food," Hilton told E! News's Ryan Seacrest in a phone conversation from Century Regional Correctional Facility. "You know my gratitude has gone up so much and I just realize that the media used me to make fun of and be mean about it," she tells Seacrest in the interview for Thursday's show. "Frankly [I'm] sick of it and I want to use my fame in a good way."
The media used to make fun of Paris Hilton? When did this happen? Why weren't we informed? We guess we were so busy reporting on how Paris Hilton urinates in taxis and can't sell any albums and gets dropped by her talent agency and dresses worse than anyone else to notice any of this so-called fun-making.
Still, now that Paris Hilton has used her 'one phone call to a personality-free celebrity' quota, you're all free to go and make the most of your weekend – because come next week you're going to be sick to death of hearing about Paris Hilton.
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