There isn't a January that goes by where we don't wish we were Mr Blackwell; he's basically Santa Claus, but instead of coming out once a year to deliver presents Mr Blackwell pops up every January to complain about the clothes that Britney Spears wears.
In honesty, Mr Blackwell doesn't complain as such when he's making his Worst-Dressed list – for 47 years he's fired out round after round of machine-gunning rhyming alliterative sentences that make readers say "Ooh, that bitch" and "Wow, is Mr Blackwell still alive?" in equal measure. The main focus of hatred on Mr Blackwell's 47th Worst-Dressed list is the same as in his 46th – Britney Spears, although this time she's brought Paris Hilton along for company. You want to hear what kind of catty, Sex And The City-style barbs the elderly Mr Blackwell has got ready for Britney and Paris? You'd better read on, then.
If Britney Spears needed to pinpoint the start of her downfall – ignoring marrying K-Fed and thumping out a procession of his babies – you could argue that being labelled as the worst-dressed by Mr Blackwell a year ago is as good a place as any to start. Prior to that, Britney Spears was a pop star girl coming to terms with being a pop star woman, but after Mr Blackwell called her an "over-the-hill Lolita" in 2006, Britney really hit the skids. From then on Britney Spears was officially labelled unsexy by magazines, her naked image terrified the Japanese into hysteria and the year ended with a display of compulsive vagina-flashing that left every man, woman and child that saw the pictures with a puddle of vomit on their laps. Mr Blackwell had to choose Britney Spears as the worst-dressed of the year. There was literally no choice.
However, this year Mr Blackwell has called a tie – since Britney Spears and Paris Hilton went out dressed as morons together, Paris Hilton has also been named as Mr Blackwell's worst-dressed – a jump of five places from last year. According to Mr Blackwell himself, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton are:
"Two peas in an overexposed pod! Style-free and fashion deprived … ladies and gentlemen, the 'SCREAMGIRLS' have arrived!"
At least that'll take Paris Hilton's mind off all that drink-driving malarkey for a while. But Mr Blackwell doesn't want to waste his ten seconds in the limelight by just tearing into Paris Hilton and Britney Spears – this is the worst-dressed list, so here's who finishes off the pecking order:
2 – Camilla Parker-Bowles: "In feathered hats that were once the rage, she resembles a petrified parakeet – from the Jurassic Age."
3 – Lindsay Lohan: "From adorable to deplorable… tragically trapped in fashion's fast lane."
4 – Christina Aguilera: "La Diva Christina is a dazzling singer. But she puts good taste through the wardrobe wringer! All crass, no class!"
5 – Mariah Carey: "Fashion Pariah… has finally found her stylistic niche … let's crown her the Queen of Catastrophic Kitsch!"
6 – Paula Abdul: "Wrapped in floral fiascos that grow moldier by the hour… She's a lumpy stem on a bumpy flower."
7 – Sharon Stone: "It's clear Sharon's misplaced her fashion gift. She looks like an over-the-hill Cruella De Ville — after a seismic shift!"
8 – Tori Spelling: "All chills and no thrills, Tori's 'Down and Out in Beverly Hills!' She's definitely under fashion duress — positive proof that more is really less!"
9 – Sandra Oh: "Layered lunacy — from toes to nose."
10 – Meryl Streep: "From Streep you could weep! Her beauty-of-a-career cannot be denied — but that beast-of-a-wardrobe is pure Mother of the Bride."
Oh Mr Blackwell, please don't ever die. We love you — even though we don't really have a fucking clue who you are.