Posts tagged as:

Robert Pattinson

Justin Bieber Is Terrified Of The Beliebers. Diddums.

by Michael Park

There’s nothing worse on this earth than being so scared to leave your own home that you sit inside eating biscuits, drinking tea with rum in it and writing snarky articles on the internet to compensate for the bitterness you feel in other people’s success. Well, aside from being a hecklerspray, writer where our existence [...]

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Robert Pattinson In Sweet Elephant Threesome

by Mof Gimmers

Robert Pattinson, a man so terminally dull that people in comas have revived themselves briefly to turn off their own life support machines, is starring in a film with elephants, which is nice isn’t it? In this film, he has a threesome. Not with two lady elephants, mind. Nope, R-Pattz gets to chow down in [...]

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Robert Pattinson And Kristen Stewart Spotted Kissing In Attempt To Thwart Tedium

by Mof Gimmers

The gossip columns are alight with the news that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have been seen kissing each other – and not on-set! Yes indeed! They’ve swapped spittle with their own well-deserved free will in the back of a car! However, we suspect that the pair actually didn’t kiss. Rather, after staring at each [...]

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Charlie Sheen Has Tiger Blood. Other Celebrities Have…

by Paul Gibson

As the sound of riotous laughter at Charlie Sheen’s kerraazy antics begins to quieten, and morph into more of an embarrassed chuckle, we must ask ourselves what the tragic actor’s manic spree of self-delusionary word vomiting has left us with. Has he changed the world somehow, perhaps by using his “warlock brain” to unlock the [...]

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Witherspoon So Bored By Pattinson’s Flacid, Grey Penis That She Infects Him With Smallpox

by Michael Park

Limelight-shy attention whore and alleged Dr. Conrad Murray copycat killer* Reese Witherspoon has spoken on her inevitable sex scenes with human floorboard impersonator Robert Pattinson in their new film Waterboarding For Elephants. Witherspoon, whose enjoyment of shooting rifles at paparazzos is well-documented, claiming that her gasping disappointment at the size, shape and colour of her [...]

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Robert Pattinson Helps Kristen Stewart’s Birthday By Merging Into The Wallpaper

by Mof Gimmers

Robert Pattinson, the most boring human mankind has ever produced, apparently helped Kristen Stewart celebrate her 21st birthday by trying to embarrass her. And how does one go about embarrassing a pal? Well, there’s a myriad of ways. You can tie them to a lamppost, naked. You can leap out of a cake brandishing compromising [...]

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Robert Pattinson Charms Elephant With Little More Than Endurance

by Mof Gimmers

As every single human on Earth knows (we’re all programmed from birth to wait for this moment), Robert Pattinson is in a film called Water for Elephants. It stars Robert Pattinson, water and, crucially, some of our elephant cousins. Of course, the film needs someone with charisma and acting prowess which, in the case of [...]

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Robert Pattinson Is A Grotesquely Fat Blob

by Mof Gimmers

Robert Pattinson, a man so dull that the colour beige commits suicide in his presence, has told us all something planet-splittingly massive. He has admitted that he wasn’t able to keep up his fitness regime up after he filmed his last Twilight topless scene. Y’mean he isn’t always a rippling God of sinew, tissue and [...]

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Justin Bieber Probably Had A Vivid Wet Dream About Robert Pattinson

by Amy Grindhouse

That’s probably a gross title about a 17-year-old’s masturbatory efforts – but like this whole yelling mean things at people on the Internet for a living thing, we’re running with it. Justin Bieber has reportedly been telling people that he had some kind of affectionate, pandering, possibly homoerotic meeting with Robert Pattinson that only took [...]

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Joe Jonas Is Not Gay And Has Split Up With Ashley Greene (Cue Slurs)

by Mof Gimmers

Joe Jonas and Ashley Greene have, crushingly, called time on their romance. What will us plebs aspire to now in matters of the heart. For here, we lie jaded, broken and listlessly twitching on our knees, wondering if true love even exists anymore. It is gone, blown away on a cruel, tender breeze along with [...]

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