Articles tagged with: Robert Pattinson
New Moon Essentially Floods Comic-Con With Teenage Wee-Wee
No no no, this won't do at all. Everyone knows that Comic-Con is a place for lonely, slightly pallid boys. That's how it works. They wander around a giant warehouse whooping at Damon Lindelof and then go home to beat one out over the rapidly-fading memory of the booby model employed to dress up like She-Hulk. Lonely girls at Comic-Con? No. Lonely girls at Comic-Con who make noises like faulty rape alarms whenever Robert Pattinson is about to take his top off? Definitely not. But that's basically what happened when New Moon was unveiled at Comic-Con yesterday. It sounds unbearable.
No no no, this won't do at all. Everyone knows that Comic-Con is a place for lonely, slightly pallid boys. That's how it works. They wander around a giant warehouse whooping at Damon Lindelof and then go home to beat one out over the rapidly-fading memory of the booby model employed to dress up like She-Hulk. Lonely girls at Comic-Con? No. Lonely girls at Comic-Con who make noises like faulty rape alarms whenever Robert Pattinson is about to take his top off? Definitely not. But that's basically what happened when New Moon was unveiled at Comic-Con yesterday. It sounds unbearable.
New Moon: The Movie That Will Stop You Liking Radiohead
The worst thing about Twilight was probably the music. No - Kristen Stewart. No - Robert Pattinson. No - everything. But the music was pretty awful. Fake-angsty nonsense, all of it - from that Linkin Park song that sounds like the Self Harm preset on Fred Durst's old Casio to two songs by Paramore, presumably included so that people would remember Twilight as the movie with the really crappy soundtrack in case the rest of it turned out forgettable. But the New Moon soundtrack is going to be different - Thom Yorke from Radiohead wants to appear it. We really wish we were joking.
The worst thing about Twilight was probably the music. No - Kristen Stewart. No - Robert Pattinson. No - everything. But the music was pretty awful. Fake-angsty nonsense, all of it - from that Linkin Park song that sounds like the Self Harm preset on Fred Durst's old Casio to two songs by Paramore, presumably included so that people would remember Twilight as the movie with the really crappy soundtrack in case the rest of it turned out forgettable. But the New Moon soundtrack is going to be different - Thom Yorke from Radiohead wants to appear it. We really wish we were joking.
Robert Pattinson Is Sexier Than Daniel Radcliffe. Rupert Grint Still Unbearably Ugly
Hey, don't just take our word for it. Go ask the hedge-haired boy wizard himself. He's the one that said it, not us. In other news, it has been reported that 85% of people would rather drink a gallon of sour milk than a cup of tramp's widdle. Who do you think of when someone says the words "sex symbol"? Well, if you're a normal lady with a healthy libido, the answer is probably Brad Pitt, George Clooney or Stuart Heritage.
Hey, don't just take our word for it. Go ask the hedge-haired boy wizard himself. He's the one that said it, not us. In other news, it has been reported that 85% of people would rather drink a gallon of sour milk than a cup of tramp's widdle. Who do you think of when someone says the words "sex symbol"? Well, if you're a normal lady with a healthy libido, the answer is probably Brad Pitt, George Clooney or Stuart Heritage.
Robert Pattinson Shares His Vampiric Seed With Kristen Stewart. Maybe.
It's sure to come as a shock, but try not to go for your gun straight away, whether it's to go on a killing rampage or to turn the barrel on yourself. Just hold on. You can get through this. It's damn hard though. We're struggling ourselves to come to terms with the news. Be comforted in the knowledge that hecklerspray is doing everything in its power to get to the bottom of this. For you see, Robert "Rob" Pattinson has gone and got Kristen Stewart pregnant, if reports are to be believed. Tweens and spinsters: he's cheated on you.
It's sure to come as a shock, but try not to go for your gun straight away, whether it's to go on a killing rampage or to turn the barrel on yourself. Just hold on. You can get through this. It's damn hard though. We're struggling ourselves to come to terms with the news. Be comforted in the knowledge that hecklerspray is doing everything in its power to get to the bottom of this. For you see, Robert "Rob" Pattinson has gone and got Kristen Stewart pregnant, if reports are to be believed. Tweens and spinsters: he's cheated on you.
Michael Welch Doesn’t Want Robert Pattinson Murdered In The Streets By You People
We're worried about Robert Pattinson - no, genuinely - we are worried about the vampire-man from the Twilight films. After all, being relentlessly pursued all your life (for the last year) by a bunch of shrieking, cloying tweens and spinsters is hard enough. Throw in those devastating floods of urine and it's sure to annoy anyone. Even a plank of wood with a face drawn on it, which is exactly what Pattinson seems to be. And it would seem we're not alone, as Twilight co-acting person Michael Welch has expressed his discomfort at the attention lavished on young Planky.
We're worried about Robert Pattinson - no, genuinely - we are worried about the vampire-man from the Twilight films. After all, being relentlessly pursued all your life (for the last year) by a bunch of shrieking, cloying tweens and spinsters is hard enough. Throw in those devastating floods of urine and it's sure to annoy anyone. Even a plank of wood with a face drawn on it, which is exactly what Pattinson seems to be. And it would seem we're not alone, as Twilight co-acting person Michael Welch has expressed his discomfort at the attention lavished on young Planky.
Top 5 Future Movie Letdowns of 2009
It is as inevitable as day turning into night, Gordon Ramsay swearing and every odd numbered Star Trek movie being rubbish* – the summer blockbuster season is always ripe with disappointment. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news here but it’s true; this year has already proven that! - hello Wolverine, hello Terminator: Salvation - but there is hope and hype on the horizon - the year isn’t over yet. So here at hecklerspray we have decided to compile a list of films that you shouldn't be looking forward to, no matter what anybody says. *Proven wrong this year so the list is fallible.
It is as inevitable as day turning into night, Gordon Ramsay swearing and every odd numbered Star Trek movie being rubbish* – the summer blockbuster season is always ripe with disappointment. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news here but it’s true; this year has already proven that! - hello Wolverine, hello Terminator: Salvation - but there is hope and hype on the horizon - the year isn’t over yet. So here at hecklerspray we have decided to compile a list of films that you shouldn't be looking forward to, no matter what anybody says. *Proven wrong this year so the list is fallible.
You People (Almost) Killed Robert Pattinson! With A Taxi!
Are you a Robert Pattinson fan? You are? Well good for you. Do you realise that you made Robert Pattinson? You did. Without hysterical fans like you, Robert Pattinson wouldn't be one of the most desired men on the planet. He certainly wouldn't be anywhere near as rich as he is. And he wouldn't run out into the street and get hit by a taxi because he was terrified of the crowd of mad-eyed salivating teenage girls screaming his name like they were from a confusingly tweeny remake of Dawn Of The Dead. Because that happened yesterday. Good work, fans!
Are you a Robert Pattinson fan? You are? Well good for you. Do you realise that you made Robert Pattinson? You did. Without hysterical fans like you, Robert Pattinson wouldn't be one of the most desired men on the planet. He certainly wouldn't be anywhere near as rich as he is. And he wouldn't run out into the street and get hit by a taxi because he was terrified of the crowd of mad-eyed salivating teenage girls screaming his name like they were from a confusingly tweeny remake of Dawn Of The Dead. Because that happened yesterday. Good work, fans!
People Magazine: Robert Pattinson Is An Ugly Old Turdbag (Or Something)
You read that right. People magazine hates Robert Pattinson. It thinks he's a stinky old bellend with a twonky haircut. How do we know? Because People magazine has published its Summer's Hottest Bachelor list and - you should sit down for this - Robert Pattinson didn't win. No, instead the top title was snatched by Chace Crawford from some show named Gossip Girl which we don't watch because it's not about sparkly teenage vampires trying to kiss horse-faced schoolgirls to a soundtrack of legitimately bad music. Honestly, this is the most upset we've ever been at an arbitrarily-chosen space-filling magazine list. Ever.
You read that right. People magazine hates Robert Pattinson. It thinks he's a stinky old bellend with a twonky haircut. How do we know? Because People magazine has published its Summer's Hottest Bachelor list and - you should sit down for this - Robert Pattinson didn't win. No, instead the top title was snatched by Chace Crawford from some show named Gossip Girl which we don't watch because it's not about sparkly teenage vampires trying to kiss horse-faced schoolgirls to a soundtrack of legitimately bad music. Honestly, this is the most upset we've ever been at an arbitrarily-chosen space-filling magazine list. Ever.
