Master of snoozemonies (sorry) Robert Pattinson has said that he would lay down his life if it meant saving the ones he loved. The news comes as hundreds of sharpened spears were found at the home of anti-Twilight campaigner Allan Thorneyflat.
The star of Twilight and forgettable footnote in the Harry Potter series claimed during a TV interview that if it came down to it, he would know what to do prompting thousands of Twihards to question whether Pattinson’s life was really worth all that bother. Here at hecklerspray, we know the consequences of wishing death on someone and in Pattinson’s case, we really, really don’t.
Why?
That’s simple. We have it on good authority that if Robert Pattinson died and was interred in a standard casket in a standard grave (dug to a depth of 7 feet), by the time putrifaction set in his essence would have already killed 90% of the indigenous tree populace in the immediate vicinity. It is projected that by the time his body fully decayed, 86% of the world’s trees would have wilted and died out of sheer boredom.
We don’t want that.
Anyway, the hopefully invincible 25-year-old admitted to Danish TV that he was a chivalrous young man when it came to romance. Speaking from inside an impressive, gilted suit of armour, Pattinson said;
“I think if you love anyone, you kind of feel like that. If you’re in love with anyone, I think the majority of people would say, ‘If I have to die for this person, I will.'”
He won’t if it’s unnecessary though. We imagine that he has a chart of possible outcomes that he keeps close at hand every time he leaves the house. We’ve never seen it but we imagine it looks something like this.
- Mugging – Her.
- Bank robbery – Me.
- Twihards charging down the street in force – Police horse.
- Abducted and held for ransom – Pay ransom.
- 160ft Dragon threatening the city and by consequence Kristen – Me.
It’s probably scrawled on the other side of his “to do” list which has had the same item left on it for years.
- Learn to act.
It has to be real love though. Pattinson believes that you can only truly know you love someone when you’re faced with a straight choice between their death and yours. He added in his droning, monotonous timbre;
“I mean, you don’t really love someone if you’re like, ‘No. Just let them die’.”
That could get really, really awkward. Want to know if Robert Pattinson really loves Kristen Stewart? You know what you have to do. Allan Thorneyflat can’t do it. He’s in jail.
kelly says
You used to be snarky and funny. What happened? New writer?
Tish says
You know your kind of writing (if that is what you call this slop) should be banned from ever being printed. If you think you are being funny I have news for you you’re not. My Dad always said if you can’t say something nice about someone keep your mouth shut. I say the same thing to you. I hope your fingers drop off so you are unable to continue to put out this bull*****.
Emm says
Glory to your Dad!
Tish says
I like to smell my own farts, i especially like the ones that come up through the water when im taking a bath, sometimes i like to add a little bubblebath in the mix, you should try it…………..its like my own little army of smelly bubbles.
I also like to eat cheese and i have a strange fascination with other guys genitalia.
Well Emm, thanks for your kindness !!
Mangosta says
I LOVE comments like this as they highlight the dribbling, boggly-eyed madness of the ‘ban everything I disagree with’ fascists. How do you reconcile the motto ‘if you can’t say something nice about someone keep your mouth shut’ with ‘I hope your fingers drop off’?
Emm says
“I also like to eat cheese and i have a strange fascination with other guys genitalia”
Own your kink! There is nothing “strange” about it! Whatever rocks your boat. P.S. There are better places to ventilate your frustration. Start with Savage Love.Watch out for your cholestarol .
LeFarts says
Odd folks on this page………..im going now, you guys are nuts !!