Vacant bundle of grinning sinew, Taylor Lautner, is going to be immortalised in wax at Madame Tussauds. Cue: WE CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE WAXWORK DUMMY AND THE THING THAT STARRED IN ALL THOSE TWILIGHT FILMS comment.
In all seriousness, there will be very little to differentiate between the wax Lautner and the real one.
Look at him. He’s barely human as it is. He’s just a flickering heart and dormant brain set amongst a tower of resin moulded muscles. He’s the closest thing we’ve got to a walking, talking, livin’ sex-doll for depressed, horny fortysomethings.
That said, if you’re one of the legions of shrieking Twihards who look to be graduating from the first throes of masturbating over your Twilight ring-binder, looking toward something you can hump for real without getting anyone arrested for statutory rape, then this waxwork is just the thing!
However, like the depressing chastity of the Twilight films, you’ll have to wait a little while (feel free to scream I WILL WAIT FOR YOU UNTIL THE END OF TIME TAYLOR! at the top of your lungs, if you like).
Lautner’s more-real dummy will be unveiled to the pinging of hundreds of training bras at Madame Tussauds in January.
This all comes on the back of Taylor got his hands and feet set in cement on the Hollywood Walk of Fame alongside Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart.
Alas, concerning the latter, they were so gaspingly tedious that the cement didn’t even part as they put their hands in, too bored to even obey the laws of physics.
Either way, when Taylor’s star wanes, they can just cover it in glue and roll it around the floor of a barber shop until Tussauds end up with a lifelike Chewbacca dummy.