Look! LOOK! Look at the faces of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart! Stare at them. Try and force the image to stay in your mind. You can’t, can you? You’ve forgotten what they look like already, even though you’re still staring at them!
Jesus H. Balls, these people are dull. They’re criminally dull. They’re so dull that they could have sex in the street and everyone would mistake them for a sleeping policeman.
Want proof? Robert Pattinson has taken Kristen Stewart on a date. A date in Barnes in Surrey. To a cafe. What a wretchedly tedious couple they are.
See, most famous people do outlandish things to keep us plebians entertained. They fly helicopters under bridges and have sex on beds covered in cocaine and rose petals. They make these grand gestures because they’re bored of their own wealth, enabling us to look on aghast and agog.
However, RPattz and Kristew are as thrilling as an ad-break on QVC. They’ve got all the vim and vigour of a sleeping chestnut.
The most thrilling news from this gaspingly despairing duo is that Pattinson decided to go back to Barnes where he grew up and point at things, saying ‘I used to stand there. Sometimes for a whole hour’ and ‘I knew someone who nearly went into that newsagents.’
Apparently, they donned disguises (yeah right – they obviously blended in with the uninspiring backdrop just fine) to go to see his old primary school.
Amazing.
One onlooker, who vaguely recalls someone hanging around, said:
“Rob wanted to show Kristen everything about where he’d grown up.
“He even took her to the local cafe where he used to hang out and his old boozer.”
Next week: Pattinson slowly looks up from a fork of unflavoured noodles and nearly says something about the temperature of them before lowering his head and quietly blowing on them while Kristen Stewart stands motionlessly by the window
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!
Jen says
So phony. It’s getting close to Nov movie premiere so Summit want them to start the fake showmance. Why can’t they just be two people working on a movie, fans will still come out and see the movie any way. Summit is pathetic.
nanci says
This take on their “adventure” is very cute. I’m sure R & K would get a good laugh as well. This is EXACTLY what they’ve been saying about themselves in every interview since the dawn of time. They admit to being boring & can’t figure out all the fuss anymore than you can. I don’t know them but they seem to be pretty honest people. Rob has already stated that we would never date anyone because he was forced to do so, and Kris is way too independent and strong-willed to let Summit or anyone else dictate her life. I will never believe Summit is guilty of creating a fake romance. The beauty of it is – they didn’t have to – it just happened and it’s solid and real.
Ven says
There two are so boring, and I love them! :-)