What’s worse than faux-broody simpering glittercock vampires? Bruno Mars, that’s what. He’s far, far worse. He’s magnolia emulsion personified. He’s about four inches tall with three feet of hair and has answered the question nobody wanted answering: Who is the next Jack Johnson?
And thanks to fate being more cruel than a clone army of Mugabes, somehow both of these shuddering worlds of colostomy have collided.
That’s right – the Twilight Breaking Dawn (Part 1) soundtrack will be lead by Bruno Mars, complete with put on emoting and grotesque politeness, thinly masking his ghoulish contempt for the earholes of the world.
Mars will be singing a song called ‘It Will Rain’, which is a great artistic statement you’ll inevitably agree. Bruno Mars may not be able to do a thing about the rain itself, but he has an umbrella… an umbrella that he’ll invariably try and tap off with you beneath.
It doesn’t stop there either.
The Joy Formidible, The Noisettes and Iron & Wine will be submitting tracks to the chastityflick. In the case of the latter, we’ll get to hear music so limp that it can barely form a sound at all, thanks to being so very, very earnest and shy.
Hateful, hateful stuff.
If you’re stupid enough to buy the deluxe version of the soundtrack, your ears will be treated to a song by the spiteful Hard-Fi too.
Meanwhile, the spineless of the world will all huddle ’round each other and cry into each other’s laps as they’re overcome with the overwrought emotion of it all.
Honestly. Go kill yourselves if you’re not already undead.
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Rena says
Honestly, he’s not that bad of a songwriter but given his recent track record [ignoring collabs with other artists, which he manages to do well], all he can sing is sappy songs.
Sappy, exaggerated, excruciatingly annoying love songs.
I honestly can’t wait until those crappy songs are wiped off the airwaves and replaced with songs that show his talent as a singer and writer.
Dominique says
WOW….I wonder why there is only one comment….I mean seriously….don’t even know what to say except I’m appalled that this was even posted