Like a teenage drama group trying to perform some heaving bosomed period drama with all the subtlety of a condom jammed up your nostril, there’s a lot of brooding going down.
Shall we gawp at it?
You may already know that this new film sees the marriage of Stewart’s Bella and Pattinson’s Edward. You can probably guess that Lautner takes his shirt off at everyone given moment too.
And you’ve probably assumed that there will be vampires kicking werewolf gangs in the face in some weird woodland homoeroticism.
Did you know about Edward and Bella having a half-vampire/half-human baby?
Is the film trying to create a character that’s as lifeless and tedious as Robert Pattinson is in real life?
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