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Pregnant celebrities

Angelina Jolie Talks Babies! Also Iraq And Stuff

by Stuart Heritage

Everyone alive is sick of listening to Angelina Jolie prattle on about humanitarian issues all the time – that’s a fact.

That’s fine – a firebrand like Angelina Jolie must be used to the criticism from strangers by now – but it has to hurt when Angelina Jolie’s own unborn children start to launch violent internal attacks on her own abdominal wall just to shut her up.

Because that’s what’s happened – during a discussion about Iraqi education policy in Washington on Tuesday, Angelina Jolie was forced to talk about her own unborn twins in public for the very first time because they wouldn’t stop booting her in the gut with all their might. Heartwarming stuff, huh?

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Jamie Lynn Spears To Marry Guy Whose DNA Thrives Within Her?

by Shawn Lindseth

Jamie Lynn Spears has a problem. She’s only 16 or something, and yet in her body lies a fatherless abomination festering in feminine hormones and lady grease.

When Spears jr decided she wanted to be pregnant really, really bad, perhaps it was because she thought stretch marks would make her Zoey character all the more real. And it does. We see now that she’s one of us, and that she may have been so all along.

Now that she’s the first line on a hitlist recently distributed to an elite Vatican strike force though, she better think of a way to unpregnant herself really fast. Either she should gently take the baby out and stuff it into a nice married lady, or she should get married herself. At 16. Which is the plan.

Apparently.

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Matt Damon’s Wife Pregnant With Matt Damon’s Baby

by Stuart Heritage

Like many people, Matt Damon’s boyishly handsome face routinely fools us into thinking that he’s not old enough to produce sperm in his testes yet.

But he is. Because Matt Damon is 37 years old, which is plenty old enough to knock his wife up a bunch of times. And just to remind of that fact, Matt Damon has got his wife Luciana pregnant again.

Matt Damon’s reps haven’t confirmed how far along Luciana is but that’s beside the point – the point is that we’re a maximum of nine months away from hearing the latest, most harrowing, legally-questionable and morally-dubious version of I’m Fucking Matt Damon the world has ever seen.

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Lisa Marie Presley Sues For Not Being A Massive Lardarse

by Stuart Heritage

Because she’s pregnant, Lisa Marie Presley has very naturally bloated out to the size of, say, Luxembourg – but that doesn’t mean she’s very happy about it.

You see, Lisa Marie Presley was only forced into confirming the pregnancy because The Daily Mail ran some pictures of her looking so fat that you’d think she needed to be transported everywhere on a reinforced forklift truck.

But Lisa Marie Presley isn’t fat, she’s pregnant. And so wounded by the thought that a British newspaper would have the nerve to call her fat that she’s suing The Daily Mail. Nobody knows what Lisa Marie Presley will spend her damages on if she’s successful, but the smart money’s on cake. Cake and biscuits. And pies. Oh, and sausages. Lots of delicious sausages.

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Lisa Marie Presley Violently Pregnant

by Stuart Heritage

You may have seen pictures of Lisa Marie Presley recently and wondered how she got so enormous, but now we have the answer – Lisa Marie Presley ate a baby.

Wait, no, not that’s not entirely true. In fact what’s happened is that Lisa Marie Presley – daughter of Elvis Presley – is merely pregnant, as her spokesman has confirmed.

This will be Lisa Marie Presley’s third child but, given that she’s looking more and more like Fat Elvis with each passing day, it’s unknown whether Lisa Marie will want to give birth to her baby in the regular way or die trying to crap it out of her arse on the toilet. As a mark of respect to her father, you understand.

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Kerry Katona’s Unborn Baby Already A Chip Off The Old Block

by hecklerspray staff

According to the ever-reliable News of the World, the walking arsehole known as Kerry Katona is still taking cocaine four months into her pregnancy.

She has also allegedly been seen smoking up to 20 cigarettes at a time. But, guys, hold on a minute before you judge! It’s alright! Kerry’s not stupid. No way! Dr. Katona tells friends:

“It’s OK – you can wean the baby off the coke afterwards. It’s only booze that can cause serious damage.”

Yeah! Fuck off science! Kerry knows best. Just point your saggy bucket vagina in the direction of The Priory and fire.

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Jamie Lynn Spears No Longer A Pregnant Schoolgirl

by Stuart Heritage

Bad luck perverts – just when you were getting around to thinking that there was something arousing about Jamie Lynn Spears being a pregnant schoolgirl, she goes and lets you down.

No, Jamie Lynn Spears hasn’t given birth, instead she’s passed her high school equivalency GED exam. So, freed up from the stigma attached to being a pregnant schoolgirl, Jamie Lynn Spears can now stretch out her horizons and become the plain old pregnant non-schoolgirl teenage strumpet with a bleak regret-filled future that she’s always longed to be.

Congratulations Jamie Lynn. Live the dream.

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Angelina Jolie Definitely Either Pregnant Or Just Fairly Lumpy

by Stuart Heritage

The whole ‘Angelina Jolie: is she pregnant or isn’t she pregnant’ debate has literally been the one major talking point of everyone in the universe over the last few weeks.

Actually, that’s a lie. The ‘Angelina Jolie: is she pregnant or isn’t she pregnant’ debate hasn’t been anything like a talking point at all because the answer is yes, Angelina Jolie is very obviously pregnant and only an idiot would question it.

And to make it clearer, Angelina Jolie was seen at an awards show this weekend in a tiny dress with her belly poking out. So it’s either pregnancy or irritable bowel syndrome; something we’ve chosen to uncover by hooking a secret microphone up to Angelina Jolie’s arse and measuring how loud and messy-sounding all her farts are. Honestly, you can thank us later.

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Jennifer Lopez Finally Gives Birth To Those Twins Of Hers

by Stuart Heritage

According to highly scientific calculations, Jennifer Lopez has been pregnant for anywhere between 12 and 15 years.

Or rather Jennifer Lopez was pregnant – last night Jennifer Lopez gave birth to the twin babies she’s been expecting since the summer of 1963.

Not a whole lot is known about Jennifer Lopez’s twins yet – it’s only been a matter of hours since they were born, after all. However, judging by the size of Jennifer Lopez in the latter stages of her pregnancy, we can safely assume that each twin was the size of a fully-grown overweight nightclub bouncer from Dagenham by the time it shawshanked out of her birth canal.

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Jamie Lynn Spears: A Bit Of A Slag Apparently

by Matthew Laidlow

When the world found out that Jamie Lynn Spears was up the duff, hell didn’t quite freeze over. It just appeared to be another wacky story in the long running and never ending tale of the Spears family clan.

More than anything it was a relief for Britney who could enjoy her own antics without being hassled by photographers. Hecklerspray was only vaguely aware that there was more than one Spears child, anyway, so we weren’t too bothered to find out that another Spears baby was going to be born. Jamie Lynn’s sweet and innocent portrayal in Zoey 101 kind of fell flat on its arse after that. And now she’s been described a bit of a slag. Words every future mother wants to hear.

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