Pete Wentz wants the whole world to know he definitely hasn’t got Ashlee Simpson pregnant, and he wouldn’t even know how to if she asked him.
Alright, not exactly that, but Ashlee Simpson definitely isn’t pregnant, and Pete Wentz has lashed out at the media for saying she is by calling it a ‘witch hunt’ – which seems more like a cruel jibe at the expense of Ashlee Simpson’s nose than a clever comment about celebrity culture, really.
But anyway, the point is that Ashlee Simpson isn’t pregnant and Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson didn’t just get engaged because he knocked her up accidentally. Which means that Pete Wentz must be marrying Ashlee Simpson for something other than a sense of misplaced guilt. Weird.
You have every reason to fear a baby created by Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy and Ashlee Simpson. Just look at them – look at how sharp their hair looks. That hair hasn’t been straightened – it’s genetic.
And if Pete Wentz’s abnormally sharp hair gene and Ashlee Simpson’s abnormally sharp hair gene were to combine, there’s a strong chance that the resulting unborn baby’s ultra-sharp, ultra-straight haircut would pierce Ashlee Simpson’s abdominal wall and stab her to death from the inside. It’d basically be an Omen-style scenario, but about haircuts.
Anyway, you don’t have to worry about that, because Ashlee Simpson isn’t pregnant. True, Ashlee and Pete may have just got engaged, but that doesn’t have to mean that she’s got a tiny curled-up emo baby living in her belly. If you believe that Ashlee Simpson is pregnant, Pete Wentz says that you’re nothing but a victim of the culture of lies perpetuated by the mainstream media to suppress your independent thought, or something. People reports:
Pete Wentz is addressing rumors that fiancée Ashlee Simpson is pregnant, calling it a “witch hunt” in an email. “There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood,” he wrote to MTV News Monday. “This is all news to me. I can’t wait for the story about how I’m really in a gay relationship and this is all just a cover … I mean really, this is crazy … I mean we’re engaged, that’s true, and happy about it.”
You heard it hear first, folks – Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy is in a gay relationship and his engagement to Ashlee Simpson is all just a cover. The man said so himself.
Anyway, it might seem like a stupid exaggeration to call speculation about Ashlee Simpson’s womb a ‘witch hunt’ but actually it does bear some truth – back in 1450 witches were often hunted by the publishing of false pregnancy rumours in weekly magazines. Well, pregnancy rumours and ‘Top 100 Witch Bikini Body Secrets Revealed!’ features.
But all you really need to take from this is that Ashlee Simpson isn’t pregnant. And if you think that she is then Pete Wentz will find you. He’ll find you and he’ll hunt you down like a witch. Like a witch!
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mst3kster says
If Pete was in a gay relationship, wouldn’t he be with the man-face herself – Ashley’s sister?
euclid says
Didn’t Wet Pentz just tell us he’s gay and the marriage is a fraud?
Good for him for coming clean! I’ve always thought the truth will out.
OMG I AM SO STUPID HOW CULD I RITE SUCH MEEN
THINGS HE IS JUST SO CUTE AND RICH AND FAMIS AND
TALENTD ND I’M JUST JELOUS RNT I? HATERZ!!!
euclid says
(That’s my version of a Fight Club post)
gir says
Pete Wentz is gay, yeah, THAT’s news. *rolls eyes while feigning interest*
munch says
Gay?
I always thought transsexual.