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Pregnant celebrities

Mariah Carey Wants Nick Cannon’s Babies Inside Her Guts

by Stuart Heritage

Now that she’s got married to Nick Cannon, Mariah Carey has thrown out the celebrity rulebook.

Everyone knows that the celebrity courting ritual involves an absurdly quick marriage to someone you just met, then an equally quick divorce followed by the adoption of an African kid who you decide to name Jifrizznia Grundlequack and then raise alone, filling it with a warped notion of reality that will ruin their lives when they grow up.

Not Mariah Carey, though – after her absurdly quick marriage to Nick Cannon, Mariah Carey apparently wants to skip the divorce and go straight to the child section. And get this, Mariah Carey doesn’t even want to adopt one – she wants to play god and grow a baby in her own stomach. Looks like it might be time for Mariah Carey to start taking her nutty pills again.

Now that she's got married to Nick Cannon, Mariah Carey has thrown out the celebrity rulebook. Everyone knows that the celebrity courting ritual involves an absurdly quick marriage to someone you just met, then an equally quick divorce followed by the adoption of an African kid who you decide to name Jifrizznia Grundlequack and then raise alone, filling it with a warped notion of reality that will ruin their lives when they grow up. Not Mariah Carey, though - after her absurdly quick marriage to Nick Cannon, Mariah Carey apparently wants to skip the divorce and go straight to the child section. And get this, Mariah Carey doesn't even want to adopt one - she wants to play god and grow a baby in her own stomach. Looks like it might be time for Mariah Carey to start taking her nutty pills again.
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Ashlee Simpson & Pete Wentz Totally Getting Married On Saturday

by Stuart Heritage

Everyone loves a nice wedding, don’t they? Or failing that, a mediocre wedding. Or failing that, a wedding between Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz.

And it’s a good job that everyone loves that, because it’s been reported that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are going to get married this very Saturday. We know! It clashes with Norwegian Constitution Day! We’re so torn!

But what about the details of this Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz marriage extravaganza? Has it been officially confirmed? No. Where will it be held? We don’t know. Does this mean that Pete Wentz definitely knocked Ashlee Simpson up? Probably. What if he hasn’t? Then they’re both idiots. How long will this marriage last, anyway? Probably like a week maybe.

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Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes Brewing Up Another Baby?

by Stuart Heritage

Tom Cruise is back in the A-list, baby – if ‘A-list’ means going on a daytime TV show twice and having lunch with the oldest man alive, of course.

And what better way could there possibly be for Tom Cruise to celebrate his resurgent career than by having sex with his wife until a little person who looks like him crawls out of her genitals?

That’s right – if reports are to be believed, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are trying for another baby, with those close to the couple making it clear that Katie Holmes has ‘got the itch.’ But as soon as thisresilient bout of vaginal thrush clears up, Tom and Katie will definitely try and have another baby.

Hecklerspray: king of the clumsy vaginal thrush joke since 2005.

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We Know The Gender Of Angelina Jolie’s Pregnant Stomach-Children

by Shawn Lindseth

We heard of a woman once who was pregnant, and two weeks into her second trimester her doctor realised it was just with a cantaloupe she’d swallowed whole some months before. It sat idly in the belly because her stomach juices made it swell too big for her intestinal track.

Needless to say she delivered by cesarean and both mother and melon are doing well. The younger of the two is reportedly in kindergarten right now – and having considerable trouble learning to count.

We heard of another lady that once pooped out a handgun.

What we’re getting at here is if you’re a woman and you find your belly sick and swollen, you can never tell what’s inside you. Except for Angelina Jolie. She knows for a fact what’s in her – gender and all.

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Jamie Lynn Spears: It’s A Girl, Apparently

by Stuart Heritage

If you thought all you needed to know about Jamie Lynn Spears’ baby was that it’d be genetically cursed for a lifetime of misery, think again.

That’s because the gender of Jamie Lynn Spears’ unborn baby has apparently sneaked out. According to reports, Jamie Lynn Spears’ mother Lynne Spears was overheard telling people that Jamie Lynn’s having a little girl.

A girl! How wonderful for Jamie Lynn Spears. Now, with the gender determined, Jamie Lynn Spears and her boyfriend can start planning for the baby in full, by buying it a range of Little Slutz knickerless play outfits and a Baby’s First Pressure Your Dolly Into Fame So You Can Vicariously Dine On Its Flesh toyset. Well, Jamie Lynn Spears will want to train her daughter up nice and early.

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Ashlee Simpson Wrongly Hopes We Care About Her Pregnancy

by Stuart Heritage

Ashlee Simpson is either pregnant or not pregnant, and if you’ve spent more than one second thinking about it you probably deserve to be drowned.

And, even though most people wouldn’t even give a soggy fart about Ashlee Simpson’s unborn baby even if was 300 feet tall and had lasers for eyes, it hasn’t stopped Ashlee Simpson from going on TV and being all like ‘maybe I am, maybe I’m not’ some more in the vain hope that all this pointless teasing will sell some more copies of her album.

It’s a tactic that Ashlee Simpson has clearly spent a lot of time thinking about. More than one second, in fact. So it goes without saying that she should be drowned. We don’t make the rules.

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Wait, Ashlee Simpson Really Is Pregnant Now?

by Stuart Heritage

Forget war or paedophile priests or Tibetan freedom protests, the only thing the world wants to know about today is the state of Ashlee Simpson’s uterus.

If you thought the rumours about Ashlee Simpson’s pregnancy were put to bed when her fiance Pete Wentz called them ‘crazy’ earlier in the week are true, then think again. It’s been reported that Ashlee Simpson really is pregnant all along and that PeteWentz and Ashlee Simpson want to get married as soon as possible before she gets all swollen and crap.

But why did Pete Wentz say Ashlee Simpson wasn’t pregnant when she really was? Was he telling the truth, making up a barefaced lie or is he just a bit stupid? We wouldn’t like to say, but let’s not forget that he is in Fall Out Boy, so the stupidity option probably shouldn’t be discounted.

Forget war or paedophile priests or Tibetan freedom protests, the only thing the world wants to know about today is the state of Ashlee Simpson's uterus. If you thought the rumours about Ashlee Simpson's pregnancy were put to bed when her fiance Pete Wentz called them 'crazy' earlier in the week are true, then think again. It's been reported that Ashlee Simpson really is pregnant all along and that PeteWentz and Ashlee Simpson want to get married as soon as possible before she gets all swollen and crap. But why did Pete Wentz say Ashlee Simpson wasn't pregnant when she really was? Was he telling the truth, making up a barefaced lie or is he just a bit stupid? We wouldn't like to say, but let's not forget that he is in Fall Out Boy, so the stupidity option probably shouldn't be discounted.
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Pete Wentz: Look, I Haven’t Knocked Ashlee Simpson Up, OK?

by Stuart Heritage

Pete Wentz wants the whole world to know that he definitely hasn’t got Ashlee Simpson pregnant, and he wouldn’t even know how to if she asked him.

Alright, not exactly that, but Ashlee Simpson definitely isn’t pregnant, and Pete Wentz has lashed out at the media for saying that she is by calling it a ‘witch hunt’ – which seems more like a cruel jibe at the expense of Ashlee Simpson’s nose than a clever comment about celebrity culture, really.

But anyway, the point is that Ashlee Simpson isn’t pregnant and Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson didn’t just get engaged because he knocked her up accidentally. Which means that Pete Wentz must be marrying Ashlee Simpson for something other than a sense of misplaced guilt. Weird.

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It’s Rumour Time: Beyonce Is Pregnant!

by Paul Sorrenti

Rumour has it that one single sperm out of the millions and millions found in Jay-Z’s roca-jizz has won the race to fertilize Beyonce’s little ovarian egg. According to Actress Archives, Beyonce was recently spotted in NYC with her belly seemingly being pushed out from the inside – a phenomenon synonymous with pregnant women. And [...]

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Kerry Katona Shits Out Another One

by hecklerspray staff

Idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot, fucking idiot Kerry Katona has managed to squeeze out another baby shaped shit after two days in labour.

Two days in labour? That must have hurt like fuck. Good.

Max Clifford, Katona’s publicist and therefore an evil, evil sub-human bastard, had these words to say of the joyous occasion:

Kerry is fine, she had a natural labour after being induced at lunchtime today. Max is great, he’s a little small, but Kerry’s baby Heidi was only 4lbs, 9oz when she was born premature.

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