Articles tagged with: Pregnant celebrities
Clay Aiken Impregnates 50 Year Old Woman Who’s Really Been Asking For It
Gay community – red rover red rover send Clay Aiken on over! Because a woman is currently pregnant with his child. That’s right, we said a woman is currently pregnant with Clay Aiken’s baby – a female woman too, not the cheap kind with the snap-on lady parts. Not only did he render a woman with-child using nothing but the powers of his magic mind, but it’s some 50-year-old woman too – one who mathematically speaking should have been barren at least 20 years ago. But why isn’t she barren? We don’t know – but we assume it has something to do with her rubbing stereo speakers all over her woo-woo while Measure of a Man plays on repeat in the cassette player. And we want you all to know we’re serious about that too – Africa’s population is currently booming for that same Aiken woo-woo rubbing reason - it really works!
Gay community – red rover red rover send Clay Aiken on over! Because a woman is currently pregnant with his child. That’s right, we said a woman is currently pregnant with Clay Aiken’s baby – a female woman too, not the cheap kind with the snap-on lady parts. Not only did he render a woman with-child using nothing but the powers of his magic mind, but it’s some 50-year-old woman too – one who mathematically speaking should have been barren at least 20 years ago. But why isn’t she barren? We don’t know – but we assume it has something to do with her rubbing stereo speakers all over her woo-woo while Measure of a Man plays on repeat in the cassette player. And we want you all to know we’re serious about that too – Africa’s population is currently booming for that same Aiken woo-woo rubbing reason - it really works!
Ashlee Simpson Definitely Pregnant With Wentzbaby No.1
Speculation about whether or not Pete Wentz only married Ashlee Simpson because she was pregnant has been raging on for months - but now the mystery is over. He did! Pete Wentz did only marry Ashlee Simpson because he accidentally knocked her up and then felt bound by guilt and duty to quickly marry her and hope that nobody would notice. By which we mean Ashlee Simpson is pregnant! Definitely pregnant! It was never really a very well-kept secret, but apparently Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson hadn't confirmed the pregnancy before because of fears for the unborn baby. But now it's out in the open Pete and Ashlee can totally start their hardball negotiations for magazine photoshoots and baby hair straightener product endorsement deals and shit.
Speculation about whether or not Pete Wentz only married Ashlee Simpson because she was pregnant has been raging on for months - but now the mystery is over. He did! Pete Wentz did only marry Ashlee Simpson because he accidentally knocked her up and then felt bound by guilt and duty to quickly marry her and hope that nobody would notice. By which we mean Ashlee Simpson is pregnant! Definitely pregnant! It was never really a very well-kept secret, but apparently Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson hadn't confirmed the pregnancy before because of fears for the unborn baby. But now it's out in the open Pete and Ashlee can totally start their hardball negotiations for magazine photoshoots and baby hair straightener product endorsement deals and shit.
Jessica Alba Gets Married, Shotgun Style
As the Bible states, "If thou accidentally knock a girl up and can't convince her to get rid of it, thou has to marry her." And if anyone knows that it's Cash Warren, the man who recently managed to get Jessica Alba pregnant. Because, frightened that God would curse the baby with stupidity or - worse still - not looking like Jessica Alba if He found out that the baby was conceived out of wedlock, Jessica Alba and Cash Warren have snuck off and got married. So congratulations to Jessica Alba and Cash Warren. When we get married, we want it to do it in a last-minute panic because an unplanned pregnancy has ruined the rest of our lives, too. That Jessica Alba, she's so lucky.
As the Bible states, "If thou accidentally knock a girl up and can't convince her to get rid of it, thou has to marry her." And if anyone knows that it's Cash Warren, the man who recently managed to get Jessica Alba pregnant. Because, frightened that God would curse the baby with stupidity or - worse still - not looking like Jessica Alba if He found out that the baby was conceived out of wedlock, Jessica Alba and Cash Warren have snuck off and got married. So congratulations to Jessica Alba and Cash Warren. When we get married, we want it to do it in a last-minute panic because an unplanned pregnancy has ruined the rest of our lives, too. That Jessica Alba, she's so lucky.
Britney Spears Not Pregnant, Just Fat From Gobbling Brain Pills
You may have been aware of rumours suggesting that Britney Spears had somehow managed to get pregnant. Well, relax, because apparently she isn't. True, Britney Spears might have a bit of a belly on her at the moment, but Britney says it's just her bipolar medication bloating her stomach out. But that's the thing with psychiatric brain medication, isn't it? Full of carbs. If only Britney Spears was diagnosed with another illness - like some kind of horrific wasting disease or the Ebola virus - instead of bipolar disorder, then they'd be lovely and happy and thin as a rake. No wonder she's so mental.
You may have been aware of rumours suggesting that Britney Spears had somehow managed to get pregnant. Well, relax, because apparently she isn't. True, Britney Spears might have a bit of a belly on her at the moment, but Britney says it's just her bipolar medication bloating her stomach out. But that's the thing with psychiatric brain medication, isn't it? Full of carbs. If only Britney Spears was diagnosed with another illness - like some kind of horrific wasting disease or the Ebola virus - instead of bipolar disorder, then they'd be lovely and happy and thin as a rake. No wonder she's so mental.
Ashlee Simpson Gets Married, Turns Out She’s Pregnant
Hooray for love and life! Ashlee Simpson has married Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz and has a little celebrity hybrid leeching on her insides.
They swapped declarations of love and commitment in front of close friends and family yesterday during a fairytale wedding ceremony (it was Alice in Wonderland themed) and Ashlee chose to reveal her pregnancy to everyone at the reception, OK! Magazine reported.
Barely a month has passed since Ashlee announced her engagement to Wentz. Barely a month has passed since the pregnancy rumours started. Back then Pete Wentz said this:
There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood. This is all news to me. Oh yeah, hecklerspray knows how to hunt down a witch!
Now Dustin Hoffman Blabs About Angelina Jolie’s Due Date
Angelina Jolie must be wondering why she even bothered going all the way to poxy Cannes. Supposedly there to promote Kung Fu Panda, Angelina Jolie has actually ended up having to sit in a room with her co-stars and listen to them carping on about all the secrets of her pregnancy. First Jack Black accidentally confirmed that Angelina Jolie was pregnant with twins, and now Dustin Hoffman has apparently revealed that her babies are due to be born on August 19. But that's nothing, because Angelina's other Kung Fu Panda co-star Jackie Chan refuses to be outdone - and you'll discover why just as soon as he's finished bronzing his 30ft papier mache representation of what the inside of Angelina Jolie's dilating cervix looks like.
Angelina Jolie must be wondering why she even bothered going all the way to poxy Cannes. Supposedly there to promote Kung Fu Panda, Angelina Jolie has actually ended up having to sit in a room with her co-stars and listen to them carping on about all the secrets of her pregnancy. First Jack Black accidentally confirmed that Angelina Jolie was pregnant with twins, and now Dustin Hoffman has apparently revealed that her babies are due to be born on August 19. But that's nothing, because Angelina's other Kung Fu Panda co-star Jackie Chan refuses to be outdone - and you'll discover why just as soon as he's finished bronzing his 30ft papier mache representation of what the inside of Angelina Jolie's dilating cervix looks like.
Angelina Jolie Officially Pregnant With Twins! Twiiiiins!
Anyone with even a passing interest in this stuff will have known for ages that Angelina Jolie is pregnant with twins. But, people, guess what - Angelina Jolie is pregnant! With twins! And this time it's official, because Jack Black accidentally shot his gob off about how many kids Angelina Jolie was hiding up her uterus during a promotional interview for Kung-Fu Panda in Cannes, and Angelina Jolie was forced to confirm it. In other unrelated news, the bear community is also kind of pissed off at Jack Black for accidentally breaking the story that they occasionally shit in the woods from time to time.
Anyone with even a passing interest in this stuff will have known for ages that Angelina Jolie is pregnant with twins. But, people, guess what - Angelina Jolie is pregnant! With twins! And this time it's official, because Jack Black accidentally shot his gob off about how many kids Angelina Jolie was hiding up her uterus during a promotional interview for Kung-Fu Panda in Cannes, and Angelina Jolie was forced to confirm it. In other unrelated news, the bear community is also kind of pissed off at Jack Black for accidentally breaking the story that they occasionally shit in the woods from time to time.
Mariah Carey Wants Nick Cannon’s Babies Inside Her Guts
Now that she's got married to Nick Cannon, Mariah Carey has thrown out the celebrity rulebook. Everyone knows that the celebrity courting ritual involves an absurdly quick marriage to someone you just met, then an equally quick divorce followed by the adoption of an African kid who you decide to name Jifrizznia Grundlequack and then raise alone, filling it with a warped notion of reality that will ruin their lives when they grow up. Not Mariah Carey, though - after her absurdly quick marriage to Nick Cannon, Mariah Carey apparently wants to skip the divorce and go straight to the child section. And get this, Mariah Carey doesn't even want to adopt one - she wants to play god and grow a baby in her own stomach. Looks like it might be time for Mariah Carey to start taking her nutty pills again.
Now that she's got married to Nick Cannon, Mariah Carey has thrown out the celebrity rulebook. Everyone knows that the celebrity courting ritual involves an absurdly quick marriage to someone you just met, then an equally quick divorce followed by the adoption of an African kid who you decide to name Jifrizznia Grundlequack and then raise alone, filling it with a warped notion of reality that will ruin their lives when they grow up. Not Mariah Carey, though - after her absurdly quick marriage to Nick Cannon, Mariah Carey apparently wants to skip the divorce and go straight to the child section. And get this, Mariah Carey doesn't even want to adopt one - she wants to play god and grow a baby in her own stomach. Looks like it might be time for Mariah Carey to start taking her nutty pills again.
