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Pregnant celebrities

Jessica Alba To Never Speak English To Her Baby

by Stuart Heritage

We’re starting to get the impression that Jessica Alba is running out of ways to keep her pregnancy sexy.

That’s not to say that she didn’t do a good job initially – in the early stages Jessica Alba all but demanded that everyone in the vicinity had to gawp at her massive new boobs for hours on end. But then that was followed by a confusing mid-section where Jessica Alba revealed that she kept chucking her boyfriend out. That’s a sort of fiery thing to do, and fiery can sometimes be a little bit sexy, so we all went along with it.

And now? Now Jessica Alba has announced that, um, she’s only going to talk Spanish to her new baby. Which is… well, it’s crap, let’s not beat around the bush.

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Angelina Jolie ‘Only Got Pregnant To Stop Brad Pitt Running Off’

by Stuart Heritage

When Brad Pitt tells Angelina Jolie to jump, she says “how high?” And when Brad Pitt tells Angelina Jolie to start filling her guts up with unborn children, she’ll stuff twice as many as he asked for up there.

That’s the insinuation being made, anyway. Angelina Jolie reportedly only decided to fall pregnant with twins because she was scared that Brad Pitt would leave her if she didn’t.

If that’s true then Angelina Jolie is a fool. She should come and shack up with us, because we’d never ask her to get pregnant if she didn’t want to. In fact, we hate children so much that we’d make her drown all her existing kids in the bath before we let her move her stuff in. That’s the exact opposite of what Brad Pitt wants, which is why we’re confident that Angelina Jolie will choose us.

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Jennifer Lopez Has Two Big-Arsed Babies On The Way

by Stuart Heritage

As Jennifer Lopez is so fond of reminding us, she used to have a little now she got a lot – but it seems that she was discussing the contents of her over-stuffed womb all along.

That’s because Jennifer Lopez isn’t just pregnant, but pregnant with twins. David Lopez broke the news of Jennifer Lopez’s impending twins during an interview on a Spanish-language TV show.

Although let’s not forget that the Spanish word for ‘twins’ and the Spanish word for ‘underwhelming singing voice’ are very similar, so there’s a good chance that David Lopez was merely providing a randomly-timed, somewhat harsh critique of Jennifer Lopez’s performance style for the Spanish-speaking community.

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Jessica Alba Kicks Her Boyfriend Out Twice

by Stuart Heritage

Having seen several of her films, we thought that the only emotions Jessica Alba could convincingly portray were low-level dimness and moderate-level dimness.

How wrong we were – it turns out that Jessica Alba is also pretty good at ferocious anger, too. Apparently pregnancy hormones have sent Jessica Alba so mental that she keeps throwing her boyfriend Cash Warren out of their house.

At least Jessica Alba is blaming it on the pregnancy hormones, but she should be more honest – if we’d let a man called Cash knock us up we’d be pretty bloody livid too.

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Jessica Alba Loves Her Massive Boobies Something Special

by Stuart Heritage

Now that another man’s unborn baby is living in her stomach, Jessica Alba runs the risk of alienating her biggest market – the horny teenage boy.

And while the pregnancy means that they won’t get to see Jessica Alba running around in her skimpies on film for a while, Jessica has thrown them a proverbial bone by talking at length about how big and squashy her newly-engorged boobs are.

Teenagers, don’t wank yourself into a blistered stump just yet – you haven’t exactly heard what Jessica Alba has to say yet.

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Now Mary Lynn Rajskub Off 24 Is Pregnant Too

by Stuart Heritage

If any of you are planning to go to Los Angeles any time soon, don’t drink the water whatever you do – chances are you’ll end up full of babies.

It’s true – every female celebrity you can think of has announced a pregnancy in the last couple of weeks and now the trend’s continuing with Mary Lynn Rajskub, 24′s Chloe O’Brian, revealing that she’s pregnant, too.

Of course, if real life was like 24 then Mary Lynn Rajskub would have to be pregnant for 6,480 episodes. But then if real life was like 24 then Mary Lynn Rajskub’s baby would be an offensively stereotypical Muslim hellbent on trying to poison the world by pumping a deadly virus out of its mother’s bumhole.

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Reporter Bust Generally Confirms Angelina Jolie’s Pregnancy

by Stuart Heritage

Forget bloating stomachs and tender boobies – the only way we’ll ever know if Angelina Jolie is pregnant with twins or not is if reporters start getting arrested near her house.

What’s that? A reporter has been arrested near Angelina Jolie’s house? Then the prophesies are true – Angelina Jolie is going to be a mother again!

Either that or she and Brad Pitt just enjoy trying to lock up anyone who tries to get too close to them for free. But, screw it, let’s just go with the pregnancy thing.

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Is Katie Holmes Pregnant With Another Little Thetan?

by Stuart Heritage

As we all know, the best way to get yourself out of a pickle when videos of you babbling religiously appear on the internet is to knock your wife up.

That appears to be the case anyway – Katie Holmes has fuelled speculation that she’s pregnant by buying a T-shirt with ‘Big Sister’ written on it for her daughter Suri. So does this mean that Katie Holmes is pregnant?

Hardly – unless Tom Cruise has miraculously found a nice big glob of Hubbard-spunk in the bottom of his jizz-jar that didn’t get used up when he was getting Katie Holmes pregnant with Suri.

Or something.

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Gwen Stefani’s Up The Duff Again

by Stuart Heritage

In a few months’ time, there are going to be billions of little celebrity babies running around and screaming and crapping themselves, and that’ll partly be Gwen Stefani’s fault.

Because, in what seems like the millionth case of celebrity knocking-up lately, Gwen Stefani has apparently confirmed that she’s 13 weeks pregnant with her second baby. By our calculations, that means that Gwen Stefani fell pregnant on October 23 – with experts suggesting that the new Stefani baby was the product of commemorative lovemaking to mark the sixth anniversary of the Chenchen Moscow Theatre Siege.

Well, we’re suggesting it anyway. And we’re sort of experts. Right?

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Possibly Pregnant Avril Lavigne Not Pregnant Says Avril Lavigne

by Stuart Heritage

Imagine the glorious baby that would be created if obnoxious pop brat Avril Lavigne ever had a baby with syrup-faced goon Deryck Whibley.

And imagine it hard, because you won’t get to see it for a while. Although reports have been fizzing around claiming that Avril Lavigne is expecting her first baby, Avril’s reps have dashed everyone’s hopes by claiming that none of it is true.

But, hey, at least now that she probably isn’t pregnant Avril Lavigne gets to remain the cleverest and most mature person in her family. Unless she has a pet gerbil, of course.

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