You may have seen pictures of Lisa Marie Presley recently and wondered how she got so enormous, but now we have the answer – Lisa Marie Presley ate a baby.
Wait, no, not that's not entirely true. In fact what's happened is that Lisa Marie Presley – daughter of Elvis Presley – is merely pregnant, as her spokesman has confirmed.
This will be Lisa Marie Presley's third child but, given that she's looking more and more like Fat Elvis with each passing day, it's unknown whether Lisa Marie will want to give birth to her baby in the regular way or die trying to crap it out of her arse on the toilet. As a mark of respect to her father, you understand.
For all the benefits of being Elvis Presley's only daughter – like never having to wait any longer than five minutes for a deep-fried squirrel burger as a child or getting to have sex with well-established dreamboat hunks like Nicolas Cage and Michael Jackson – there are bound to be drawbacks.
Just ask Lisa Marie Presley. She is Elvis Presley's only daughter and, when she's not floating on a cloud of joy because she's probable touched Michael Jackson's penis, she has to live with the fact that Elvis still makes more money than she does even though he's been dead for 30 years. Plus she's a Scientologist, so she probably has to put up with hanging around Tom Cruise and Kirstie Alley a lot more than any human deserves to.
However, Lisa Marie Presley has one thing that Elvis Presley never had, and that's a functional female reproductive system. And she just keeps rubbing that in the dead man's face, because Lisa Marie Presley is pregnant again. Hello reports:
Elvis' only daughter is expecting her first child with guitarist and music producer husband Michael Lockwood this autumn. "The couple are incredibly overjoyed," says Lisa's spokesperson, who confirmed the happy news on Friday. The new arrival will be Lisa's third baby. She has a daughter Riley, 18, and son Benjamin, 15, with ex-husband, musician and actor Danny Keough.
The news of Lasa Marie Presley's pregnancy will come a blessed relief to anyone who saw the photos of her earlier this week looking all gigantic. But at least now we all know that a woman we don't care about is only fat because she's pregnant and not because she eats a lot of chips. Truly, we can sleep soundly now.