Jamie Lynn Spears has a problem. She's only 16 or something, and yet in her body lies a fatherless abomination festering in feminine hormones and lady grease.
When Spears jr decided she wanted to be pregnant really, really bad, perhaps it was because she thought stretch marks would make her Zoey character all the more real. And it does. We see now that she's one of us, and that she may have been so all along.
Now that she's the first line on a hitlist recently distributed to an elite Vatican strike force though, she better think of a way to unpregnant herself really fast. Either she should gently take the baby out and stuff it into a nice married lady, or she should get married herself. At 16. Which is the plan.
Apparently.
When Jamie Lynn Spears first announced to the world that she had a baby doing things inside her, people were all 'girl be trippin.' And then people were all 'Well what are we waiting for? Get the clay ready!' And then people did get the clay ready.
But then the horrible reality set in. There just wasn't enough clay on Earth to sculpt Jamie's enormously swollen twin milk-makers. And then another horrible reality set in – Jamie was a 16 year old child giving birth to another 16 year old child. Give or take. Finally a third horrible reality set in – Spears would have to raise this child alone – with nothing but sheer will power and the aid of several dozen nannies paid for probably by her sister's owner/father.
Unless she gets married that is. Yes, if Spears gets married then all her impending woes will melt away into the stereotypical American dream. We can see it now – she'll be able to make a family's worth of grilled cheese while her husband is outside teaching their child how to mow the lawn. She'll wave from the porch with her carefully chosen spouse as a UPS man approaches with a box full of birthday wishes from her child's grandma, and she'll probably part the living-room curtains to see her kindergarten-aged off-spring returning from a hard day's work at some famous rapper's clothing factory. Oh – also she apparently moved to Columbia or something. Ironic, her living the American dream and all.
And who is she going to marry, you may ask? Rick Salomon. You read that right. Apparently Jaime Lynne Spears has gone and gotten herself engaged to the guy Pamela Anderson just erased forever. Or maybe Spears is marrying her baby-making boyfriend – we're really not striving for accuracy here. Unspecified sources tell us its the latter, though. They also said:
"She's got an engagement ring. She's been showing it off, talking about it."
Although a specific date has yet to be announced, we've heard the actual ceremony will take place sometime between third and fourth period in front of the second floor boys bathroom.
Poor goths – that's their special indoor smoking place.
Read More:
Report: Jaime Lynne Spears Sports New Engagement Ring – NY Daily News
mst3kster says
Ah, I love shotgun weddings. Everybody gets so shit-faced drunk that they end up peeing in the bride’s face.
the Real Milton says
I’d marry her
Snapper Winsten says
Of course you would the Real Milton, of course you would.
Not really striving for accuracy? Do I smell a law suit? Probably, because the Spears family really needs some press right now, ya know?