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Miley Cyrus

WEBTHUMP! Wednesday 18 February 2009

by Stuart Heritage

9 – Actual mad scientists – Cracked

8 – Tess Daly and a tramp, for your viewing pleasure – Holy Moly

7 – Hey foreigners, the Daily Mail thinks you’re just hilarious! – Daily Mail

6 – Ten berserk cities. We’re making it our mission to visit at least one of these in 2009 – Askmen

5 – A list of sexy prostitutes. Seriously – Manofest

4 – Kate Moss isn’t pregnant. So that’s something – Popsugar

3 – Some computer games that will probably turn your children into murderers – Gameist

2 – Awful celebrities and their terrible tattoos – Popcruch

1 – Children’s dreams as illustrated by artists. Odd – Flickr

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Miley Cyrus Sorry For Racism Storm, Also Hilariously Indignant

by Stuart Heritage

Miley Cyrus is a busy girl – do you know how long it takes to cultivate a voice like an emphysemic pensioner?

Ages. And this racism stuff is holding that up. Because, sheesh, just because Miley Cyrus is photographed pulling a face that’s universally acknowledged to be offensive to Asians, it doesn’t mean that Miley Cyrus is a racist. Or at least that’s what Miley Cyrus has claimed in spectacularly bad-tempered apology, anyway.

So let’s end this. Miley Cyrus is definitely not a racist. And hopefully that will be proved in her upcoming movie: Miley Cyrus: God, The Norwegians Are Wankers.

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‘Slant-Eyed’ Miley Cyrus Angers Millions Everywhere

by Shawn Lindseth

If what we’ve heard is correct, then Miley Cyrus is a horrible racist who hates the Japanese, loathes the Chinese, and has built hundreds of Eskimo concentration camps out of things like murky sea-ice and decomposing whale bones.

We wouldn’t convey information like that without concrete evidence to back it up – we just wouldn’t! That’s why we need to tell you Miley definitely hates the entire Asian race because she recently allowed her picture to be taken while her pasty white fingers pulled her eyes back at a very tight angle.

Adolf started similarly, but with a more Jewish flare.

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Look, It’s The First Hannah Montana Movie Trailer

by Stuart Heritage

Ready for the first Hannah Montana movie trailer? Good, because Miley Cyrus really doesn’t seem to want to.

You see, it’s obvious that Miley Cyrus really, really wants you to boycott the Hannah Montana movie when it’s released in April. That’s why she’s gone out of way to make the whole thing seem as grossly appalling as possible.

Look, there’s Miley Cyrus introducing the movie with the voice of a chainsmoking miniature troll who’s been possessed by the devil. Look, Miley Cyrus is saying her own name with a genuinely disturbing look of intense self-hatred plastered across her face.

What? There’s still a part of you that wants to go and see the Hannah Montana movie? Wait – Miley Cyrus isn’t done yet! Look, here’s Miley robotically referring to the Hannah Montana movie as “her first big-screen adventure” – which is essentially a slightly shorter way of saying “her integral second-quarter generic mass-marketed media, stationery or sweatshop-produced fashion product.” Here’s an insufferable berk on a horse! Here’s an actual verbal promise of an appearance by Rascal Flatts! Still want to go and see the Hannah Montana movie?

You do? You’re weird, you know that.

Ready for the first Hannah Montana movie trailer? Good, because Miley Cyrus really doesn't seem to want to. You see, it's obvious that Miley Cyrus really, really wants you to boycott the Hannah Montana movie when it's released in April. That's why she's gone out of way to make the whole thing seem as grossly appalling as possible. Look, there's Miley Cyrus introducing the movie with the voice of a chainsmoking miniature troll who's been possessed by the devil. Look, Miley Cyrus is saying her own name with a genuinely disturbing look of intense self-hatred plastered across her face. What? There's still a part of you that wants to go and see the Hannah Montana movie? Wait - Miley Cyrus isn't done yet! Look, here's Miley robotically referring to the Hannah Montana movie as "her first big-screen adventure" - which is essentially a slightly shorter way of saying "her integral second-quarter generic mass-marketed media, stationery or sweatshop-produced fashion product." Here's an insufferable berk on a horse! Here's an actual verbal promise of an appearance by Rascal Flatts! Still want to go and see the Hannah Montana movie? You do? You're weird, you know that.
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Miley Cyrus Wants Hannah Montana To Last Forever. FOREVER!

by Stuart Heritage

When it was reported that Miley Cyrus wanted to leave Hannah Montana, you probably reacted like a normal adult and wept relentlessly.

But it’s OK. Miley Cyrus doesn’t want to leave Hannah Montana yet. Even though she’s gained success in several other fields, like music and movies and videogames and borderline amateur softcore pornography, Miley Cyrus has vowed to remain on Hannah Montana indefinitely.

And that’s definitely good news, because so long as there’s a Hannah Montana, there’s always going to be a creepy minge-faced father figure lurking around in the background weirding everyone out in the form of Billy Ray Cyrus. And as long as that happens hecklerspray will never go out of business. Hooray for Hannah Montana and hooray for us!

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Hannah Montana To Teach Obama Kids The Art Of Womanhood

by Stuart Heritage

Malia and Sasha Obama are lucky kids – first they get a puppy and now they get to hang out with a raspy, prematurely sexual 16-year-old. Cuh!

In what’s being seen as a clever move to remind them that they’re not as important as they think they are, Barack Obama’s two daughters have been invited to meet the one man on earth who’s more powerful than their own father – Billy Ray Cyrus.

Billy Ray Cyrus has invited Malia and Sasha Obama to visit the set of Hannah Montana, and he’s positive that they’ll accept. After all, Sasha Obama is only a few ears away from reaching that important ‘taking photos of yourself in your underwear and plastering them all over the internet’ phase of her childhood and, by meeting Miley Cyrus, she’ll be getting tips from a veteran.

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Relax, Miley Cyrus’s Much Older Boyfriend Totally Loves Jesus

by Stuart Heritage

You might think that, because he’s five years older than her and wriggles about in knickers for a living, Miley Cyrus’ boyfriend is a rum sort.

But he’s not. He’s really not. Miley Cyrus has been on the radio in America defending her alleged new boyfriend Justin Gaston to the hilt, claiming that he’s ‘awesome’ and a ‘really great Christian guy’. And what Miley Cyrus says, we have no option but to believe. Justin Gaston, you’re awesome and a really great Christian guy and we apologise for thinking wrongly of you.

And the fact that on the same day as Miley Cyrus’ interview, pictures were leaked onto the internet of Justin Gaston rolling around on the floor in his underwear with an unidentified woman and giving the camera the finger? Well that’s just awesome and Christian too. We hear that Jesus did a very similar thing once himself, actually.

You might think that, because he's five years older than her and wriggles about in knickers for a living, Miley Cyrus' boyfriend is a rum sort. But he's not. He's really not. Miley Cyrus has been on the radio in America defending her alleged new boyfriend Justin Gaston to the hilt, claiming that he's 'awesome' and a 'really great Christian guy'. And what Miley Cyrus says, we have no option but to believe. Justin Gaston, you're awesome and a really great Christian guy and we apologise for thinking wrongly of you. And the fact that on the same day as Miley Cyrus' interview, pictures were leaked onto the internet of Justin Gaston rolling around on the floor in his underwear with an unidentified woman and giving the camera the finger? Well that's just awesome and Christian too. We hear that Jesus did a very similar thing once himself, actually.
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Kid Who Hacked Miley Cyrus’ Gmail Gets Raided By The FBI

by Shawn Lindseth

It wasn’t so long ago that some guy hacked into Hanna Montana’s Gmail account, stole some pictures of her soaking wet, and forced the world to look at them while they surfed the net at work and what-not. Such massive overexposure to a pretty much genderless, pre-pubescent body made everybody outside of the Glitter household [...]

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Miley Cyrus’ Dad Loves Her Much Older Knicker-Model Boyfriend

by Stuart Heritage

Just about the whole world went to the great big hideously expensive Miley Cyrus Disneyland 16th birthday party – with one notable exception.

And, of course, that was Justin Gaston – the 20-year-old undercracker model who might very well be Miley Cyrus’ special and conspicuously older boyfriend. It’s not really a surprise that Justin Gaston didn’t go to Miley Cyrus’ birthday party – he’s too old for Disneyland and was probably doing something cool like riding a motorbike or drinking cider at a bus stop or something.

But Miley Cyrus’ dad Billy Ray Cyrus doesn’t mind. He’s heaped praise on Gaston despite his no-show. And so would you too, if you knew that pretending to enjoy the fact that your little girl is probably in some kind of relationship with a full-grown man was the only thing stopping said little girl from financially abandoning you the second she turns 18.

Just about the whole world went to the great big hideously expensive Miley Cyrus Disneyland 16th birthday party - with one notable exception. And, of course, that was Justin Gaston - the 20-year-old undercracker model who might very well be Miley Cyrus' special and conspicuously older boyfriend. It's not really a surprise that Justin Gaston didn't go to Miley Cyrus' birthday party - he's too old for Disneyland and was probably doing something cool like riding a motorbike or drinking cider at a bus stop or something. But Miley Cyrus' dad Billy Ray Cyrus doesn't mind. He's heaped praise on Gaston despite his no-show. And so would you too, if you knew that pretending to enjoy the fact that your little girl is probably in some kind of relationship with a full-grown man was the only thing stopping said little girl from financially abandoning you the second she turns 18.
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Miley Cyrus Has Big Dumb Disneyland 16th Birthday Party

by Stuart Heritage

Thanks to the economy, you probably now live under a park bench existing on nothing but rain – but, hey, look at the lovely time Miley Cyrus is having!

This week saw Miley Cyrus celebrate her 16th birthday in Disneyland. That is to say, all of Disneyland. Miley Cyrus’ parents hired out all of Disneyland for Miley, invited thousands of guests and then lit up the Californian dusk with a firework display of epic proportions.

As great as that sounds, there was a sour edge to the weekend as well – Miley’s dad Billy Ray Cyrus insisted on performing Achy Breaky Heart to the assembled guests. So, while your parents never did anthing as ostentatious as renting out Disneyland for your 16th birthday, at least you can relax in the knowledge that a pouting vagina-faced idiot didn’t nause everything up by singing the world’s worst song in the middle of it either. Yours was better.

Thanks to the economy, you probably now live under a park bench existing on nothing but rain - but, hey, look at the lovely time Miley Cyrus is having! This week saw Miley Cyrus celebrate her 16th birthday in Disneyland. That is to say, all of Disneyland. Miley Cyrus' parents hired out all of Disneyland for Miley, invited thousands of guests and then lit up the Californian dusk with a firework display of epic proportions. As great as that sounds, there was a sour edge to the weekend as well - Miley's dad Billy Ray Cyrus insisted on performing Achy Breaky Heart to the assembled guests. So, while your parents never did anthing as ostentatious as renting out Disneyland for your 16th birthday, at least you can relax in the knowledge that a pouting vagina-faced idiot didn't nause everything up by singing the world's worst song in the middle of it either. Yours was better.
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