The theme of the 2013 Met Gala was “PUNK: Chaos to Couture” – and yet not one person showed up with safety pin through their lip and ’Never Mind The Bollocks’ scribbled in marker pen across their bare chest. Congratulations Miley Cyrus, you are now completely useless.
Unless there’s a secret branch of punk that decides to stick it to the man through carefully styled Givenchy gowns and red lipstick, some people really should have read the invitation more carefully. Some people did made a commendable effort by doing strange things to their hair and gluing random studs to themselves. Some people had obviously picked an outfit before they heard about the theme and just thought ‘screw it’. And some people were Madonna.
Katy Perry described her outfit via Twitter as “…the OG queen of PUNK, JOAN of ARC!” Are we entirely sure that she knows who Joan of Arc was? If her definition of being punk involves leading France into battle against the English and then being burned at the stake for heresy, then those are some after-party photos that I definitely want to see. It still doesn’t explain why she’s wearing a crown, though. The whole concept of monarchy is about as far from punk as you can get.
Nicole Richie looks as if she were one of the guests that dressed as normal, then hurriedly spray-painted her head with an old can of coloured hairspray she had left over from Halloween as she was leaving the house – just so she could say she’d attempted the theme. However this looks less Patti Smith and more Bride of Frankenstein that’s been involved in a Jackass stunt involving a bag of flour balanced on a door frame.
Within minutes of this photo hitting the web, you could hear the sound of Photoshop being fired up from all around the globe, people all keen to have a giggle at how much it looks like Kim Kardashian is wearing her grandma’s sofa. But in the rush of excitement, everybody seemed to skate round the face her dress seems to have built-in gloves. It literally looks like she’s about to take a flower-patterned balaclava out of her purse and her and Kanye will go all Bonnie and Clyde on the Met.
Bet you weren’t expecting to see Sarah Jessica Parker’s crotch at the Met Gala. One of the few people that actually seemed to understand the words ‘punk’ and ‘couture’, SJP actually managed to find the one place where a mohican-style hat and thigh-high tartan boots will make you one of the best dressed people in the room. Although she may have an unfair advantage, giving that she was one of the few people in attendance actually old enough to remember what punk was like.
And then there’s Madonna, wearing whatever she’s had hanging around the back of her closet since the mid-80s. It’s hard to tell whether she knew the dress code or not, as she could just as easily have worn this to drop her kids off at school or visit or her plastic surgeon’s office. Which judging by the smoothness of her face, she’s done quite a bit of lately. It would explain the wig – it could be hiding the bulldog clip being used to hold back the skin on her face. The expression on her face is also hilarious – like she’s just clocked SJP’s genital-area on display and is about to sassily warn her that it isn’t amateur hour and maybe she should leave the labia-flashing to the professionals.
And finally, the Olsens. If Katy Perry thought that Joan of Arc was punk, then it seems as if the one on the left has decided to hail Little Edie from ‘Grey Gardens’ as her inspiration. The one on the right just threw on one of those rain ponchos that tourist traps sell in vending machines. Of course, it’s entirely possible that by disregarding the dress code entirely, they are actually the most punk of all.