Miley Cyrus Would Be Awesome in a Lesbian Porn Video

Miley Cyrus in "Decision"Pop star Miley Cyrus has been offered an incredible opportunity to realize her two most fervent desires … to be the constant center of attention and to be perceived as a grown-ass woman. All she has to do is accept a very gracious offer made to her by Sex.Com to star in a soft-core porn version of her new music video “Decisions.” 

Miley is featured in the song by Israeli dubstep artist Borgore, and the video shows Miley and Borgore dancing in a club setting along with porn star Jessie Andrews. The song itself is incredibly horrible, with really clever, hard-core lyrics like “bitches love cake.” Miley chimes in on the chorus and repeats, ad nauseum: “I wanna eat the whole cake” and “I’m not sharin’.” The video is okay, but the song is so awful that it’s difficult to enjoy.

In a letter to Miley’s representatives, Martin Ellison, the Communications Director for Sex.Com, indicated that they would like to make a “naughty XXX version” of the music video. While they would be satisfied with just a naked make-out session between Miley and porn star Jessie, they wouldn’t say no if Miley got carried away and wanted to do more. (Very clever tactic, Sex.Com, let the star be in charge … especially one with such obvious control issues.)

Evidently, Jessie did not take much convincing. More than just a video vixen, she’s a notable actress in her own right. In addition to appearing in Borgore’s video for “Flex” (the two used to date), she has starred in films including Jurassic Cock 5 and My Stepdaughter Tossed My Salad 2, and even won the Adult Video News award for Best Actress earlier this year for her breathtaking work in Portrait of a Call Girl.

miley cyrus and jessie andrews

The music video in question, for Borgore’s “Decisions,” includes elements that are meant to shock … as music videos tend to do. And, as is also commonly the case, some of it works and some of it doesn’t. The video begins with Borgore, wearing an idiotic hat, pedaling a weird contraption down the street and towing an enormous cake behind him. Then it shifts to the Roosevelt Hotel in L.A., where you see midgets in tuxedos shoving regular-sized women in their asses.

Inside the hotel’s club, Borgore struggles to choose between a variety of fancy cakes, which evidently represent potential futures. Then Miley, looking like a blond Annabella Lwin from Bow Wow Wow, makes out with a man wearing a unicorn head (apparently her fiance Liam Hemsworth, but you don’t see his face). There are cute little goats here and there. Then there’s a sexy cake fight in which Miley has cake smeared all over her cleavage. Then, finally, Borgore is pedaling again in the sunrise, but this time he’s towing a rough-looking Miley in a billowy gown.

Ellison’s letter indicates that they intend to replace Liam with Jessie. It’s unclear, however, whether she would keep the unicorn head on. In my estimation, this is an important point to nail down. Otherwise, they’re clear in their intentions to keep the shoot as true to the original as possible.

“We feel quite confident that we can secure the same venue, along with the same goats and little people. All that’s missing is MILEY!!”

While his businessman’s legitimacy may be compromised by his use of multiple exclamation points, his enthusiasm certainly is contagious. Because Miley clearly has a good head on her shoulders and consistently makes mature decisions, I have every confidence that she will in this case as well.

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