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Miley Cyrus

Miley Cyrus Never Ever Leaving Hannah Montana Ever. Ever.

by Stuart Heritage

Hannah Montana made Miley Cyrus a star – well, to be more accurate it was Hannah Montana, constant implied teenage nudity and a creepy dad.

But for now let’s just assume that Hannah Montana made Miley Cyrus famous. It was a great set-up – Disney got hundreds of millions of dollars and Miley Cyrus got to be brought up surrounded by people all too scared to ever disagree with her, giving her dangerously false expectations for the rest of her life – but there may be trouble on the horizon.

Rumour has it that Miley Cyrus feels she’s got too big for Hannah Montana and is trying to get fired from the show. However, Disney has shot down these reports and has promised all the young fans that Miley Cyrus will remain on Hannah Montana forever. Nice try, Miley. Don’t you know that the only way to leave a creatively stifling kid’s TV show is to get pregnant? Did Jamie Lynn Spears teach you nothing?

Hannah Montana made Miley Cyrus a star - well, to be more accurate it was Hannah Montana, constant implied teenage nudity and a creepy dad. But for now let's just assume that Hannah Montana made Miley Cyrus famous. It was a great set-up - Disney got hundreds of millions of dollars and Miley Cyrus got to be brought up surrounded by people all too scared to ever disagree with her, giving her dangerously false expectations for the rest of her life - but there may be trouble on the horizon. Rumour has it that Miley Cyrus feels she's got too big for Hannah Montana and is trying to get fired from the show. However, Disney has shot down these reports and has promised all the young fans that Miley Cyrus will remain on Hannah Montana forever. Nice try, Miley. Don't you know that the only way to leave a creatively stifling kid's TV show is to get pregnant? Did Jamie Lynn Spears teach you nothing?
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Miley Cyrus Introduced To Creepy Older Underwear Chap By Dad

by Stuart Heritage

The day most men are introduced to their 15-year-old daughter’s 20-year-old underwear model boyfriend is usually they day they go bald and/or start sniffing glue.

But not if you’re Billy Ray Cyrus. If you’re Billy Ray Cyrus then your 15-year-old daughter will never introduce you to her 20-year-old underwear model boyfriend. That’s because if you’re Billy Ray Cyrus, your 15-year-old daughter is Miley Cyrus and it’s you who’ll introduce her to the aforementioned 20-year-old underwear model.

That’s right – it turns out that Billy Ray Cyrus is responsible for hooking Miley Cyrus up with her new, much older, mostly naked boyfriend Justin Gaston. Normally we’d suggest that Miley Cyrus’ ex-boyfriend would be feeling pretty inadequate because of this, but given our suspicion that Miley Cyrus’ ex-boyfriend was actually Billy Ray Cyrus anyway, we’ll probably just leave it.

The day most men are introduced to their 15-year-old daughter's 20-year-old underwear model boyfriend is usually they day they go bald and/or start sniffing glue. But not if you're Billy Ray Cyrus. If you're Billy Ray Cyrus then your 15-year-old daughter will never introduce you to her 20-year-old underwear model boyfriend. That's because if you're Billy Ray Cyrus, your 15-year-old daughter is Miley Cyrus and it's you who'll introduce her to the aforementioned 20-year-old underwear model. That's right - it turns out that Billy Ray Cyrus is responsible for hooking Miley Cyrus up with her new, much older, mostly naked boyfriend Justin Gaston. Normally we'd suggest that Miley Cyrus' ex-boyfriend would be feeling pretty inadequate because of this, but given our suspicion that Miley Cyrus' ex-boyfriend was actually Billy Ray Cyrus anyway, we'll probably just leave it.
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Hey, Miley Cyrus’ New Boyfriend Likes Taking His Clothes Off Too

by Stuart Heritage

Being Miley Cyrus’ boyfriend must be horrible – you’d be constantly fighting the urge to slap Billy Ray Cyrus’ silly face every time you saw it.

In fact, 15-year-old Miley Cyrus has got quite the wishlist when it comes to her boyfriends. Firstly you can’t be intimidated by Miley Cyrus’ fame and wealth. Secondly you have to be as gormlessly God-fearing as she is. And thirdly, if you’re so much older than her that it’s a little bit creepy and you use your body as a sexual object for a living, then that’s great too.

So, with that in mind, say hello to Miley Cyrus’ new boyfriend – he’s Justin Gaston, he’s 20 years old and he’s an underwear model. If this hasn’t ended in tears by this time next year, then we’re afraid we’ll have to go away and question everything we thought we knew about the universe.

Being Miley Cyrus' boyfriend must be horrible - you'd be constantly fighting the urge to slap Billy Ray Cyrus' silly face every time you saw it. In fact, 15-year-old Miley Cyrus has got quite the wishlist when it comes to her boyfriends. Firstly you can't be intimidated by Miley Cyrus' fame and wealth. Secondly you have to be as gormlessly God-fearing as she is. And thirdly, if you're so much older than her that it's a little bit creepy and you use your body as a sexual object for a living, then that's great too. So, with that in mind, say hello to Miley Cyrus' new boyfriend - he's Justin Gaston, he's 20 years old and he's an underwear model. If this hasn't ended in tears by this time next year, then we're afraid we'll have to go away and question everything we thought we knew about the universe.
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Miley Cyrus to Host Massive Party: hecklerspray Trying to Get Guestlisted

by Ian Dransfield

You’d think we’d be bored of Miley Cyrus coverage by now. Well, we are. But that doesn’t stop us from doing it – especially not when she’s selling tickets to her super-mega-ultra sweet 16. Yes, she of Hannah Montana fame and the one that likes to get all (almost) nude for the sake of every [...]

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Christina Applegate Makes Cancer Look Like a Boob

by Ian Dransfield

Christina Applegate’s cancer has left the building, along with two old friends. You can call it brave, you can call it smart, but regardless of what words you want to use to describe it, Christina Applegate has kicked the botty of cancer by having her boobs lopped off in a double mastectomy. As selfish as [...]

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Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers. This is News, How, Exactly?

by Ian Dransfield

Talking about Miley Cyrus all the time may be bad enough, but then we have to go and bring in this Jonas Brothers kid in just to see how far things can actually go downhill. As if covering the near-endless slew of nearly naked pictures of a 15-year-old isn’t bad enough, now the media feels [...]

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Miley Cyrus in Appearing Nearly Nude Non-Shocker. Again.

by Ian Dransfield

No. Just no. There’s a line, it was already crossed and now it’s being urinated on from the other side. This has to stop. Right now. One more time, for the road, Miley Cyrus has got half naked, someone has taken photos and one more time, for the road, they have been uploaded on to [...]

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Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry to Avoid Frankly Weird TV Kiss, Fortunately

by Ian Dransfield

There’s some damn weird logic working in this world. If a 23-year-old male singer were to say that they wanted to kiss a 15-year-old pop sensation on Sunday, they would rightly be chastised. Probably shot or lynched too. Or just looked down on a lot. They’d probably write a book about their experiences a few [...]

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Miley Cyrus: Condom Salesman Extraordinaire?

by Stuart Heritage

We’re so jealous of Miley Cyrus. She poses in a wet T-shirt on the internet and becomes a sensation – we do the same outside a greengrocers and we get arrested.

It isn’t on, really. And what’s more, a company has just offered Miley Cyrus a million dollars to become the face of its condom range. We’re so angry! Don’t these people know that becoming the face of a range of condoms is our sole life’s aim? We’d be so much better at stopping amorous couples from getting pregnant than stupid Miley Cyrus.

Or maybe not. In retrospect, getting Miley Cyrus to advertise contraception would be just about the best way to promote teen abstinence – imagine the phrase ‘coated with a tingling lubricant’ intoned in Miley Cyrus’ ancient emphysemic shriek. When would that make you want to have sex again? Never, that’s when.

We're so jealous of Miley Cyrus. She poses in a wet T-shirt on the internet and becomes a sensation - we do the same outside a greengrocers and we get arrested. It isn't on, really. And what's more, a company has just offered Miley Cyrus a million dollars to become the face of its condom range. We're so angry! Don't these people know that becoming the face of a range of condoms is our sole life's aim? We'd be so much better at stopping amorous couples from getting pregnant than stupid Miley Cyrus. Or maybe not. In retrospect, getting Miley Cyrus to advertise contraception would be just about the best way to promote teen abstinence - imagine the phrase 'coated with a tingling lubricant' intoned in Miley Cyrus' ancient emphysemic shriek. When would that make you want to have sex again? Never, that's when.
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Miley Cyrus Sorry For Being All Shrieky And Young And Whatever

by Stuart Heritage

Hey you! If you like news stories about people you’ve barely heard of possibly being somewhat rude about people you’ve never heard of, are you ever in for a treat!

And, since this story contains a public apology, you can bet your balls that it features Miley Cyrus as well. And it does! Miley Cyrus has apologised for a YouTube video of her apparently mocking Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato, who are apparently Disney stars or something. Honestly, not a clue.

Anyway, we have the offending Miley Cyrus video for you after the jump. Chances are it’ll make just as little sense to you as did to us, but at least it proves one thing beyond reason – that Miley Cyrus has the speaking voice of an abusive, chainsmoking pensioner.

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