Articles tagged with: jonas brothers
The Jonas Brothers Want In On Twilight 2, Begin Sobbing Now
So far the Twilight 2 checklist includes Dakota Fanning, scrawny werewolves and a dildo with a funny haircut. But that's not quite awful enough, is it? If Twilight 2 is going to go above and beyond the original, it's going to need to pull something spectacularly awful out of the bag. Twilight 2 needs something so profoundly dreadful that teenage girls will immediately urinate themselves to dust upon sight and everyone else will want to crap their own spines out just so they won't have to deal with the gargantuan atrocity any more. The Jonas Brothers want to be in Twilight 2. Bingo.
So far the Twilight 2 checklist includes Dakota Fanning, scrawny werewolves and a dildo with a funny haircut. But that's not quite awful enough, is it? If Twilight 2 is going to go above and beyond the original, it's going to need to pull something spectacularly awful out of the bag. Twilight 2 needs something so profoundly dreadful that teenage girls will immediately urinate themselves to dust upon sight and everyone else will want to crap their own spines out just so they won't have to deal with the gargantuan atrocity any more. The Jonas Brothers want to be in Twilight 2. Bingo.
Jonas Brothers Thrilled About Massacring Stevie Wonder’s Song
Aside from the bit where it staggered to a conclusion after about 16 interminable hours, what was your Grammy highlight? Ours was the Jonas Brothers/ Stevie Wonder duet. No, of course we're joking here - watching a gang of pubeless bumstreaks like the Jonas Brothers and what appeared to be a morbidly obese sealion huff and screech their way through Stevie Wonder's Superstition was the dictionary definition of unbearable. Honestly, you'd need to be a monumental cockhammer to enjoy something as clearly abhorrent as that. Incidentally, the Jonas Brothers have called the duet 'perfect'. We're just going to leave it at that, we think.
Aside from the bit where it staggered to a conclusion after about 16 interminable hours, what was your Grammy highlight? Ours was the Jonas Brothers/ Stevie Wonder duet. No, of course we're joking here - watching a gang of pubeless bumstreaks like the Jonas Brothers and what appeared to be a morbidly obese sealion huff and screech their way through Stevie Wonder's Superstition was the dictionary definition of unbearable. Honestly, you'd need to be a monumental cockhammer to enjoy something as clearly abhorrent as that. Incidentally, the Jonas Brothers have called the duet 'perfect'. We're just going to leave it at that, we think.
Them Jonas Brothers Sure Do Love Barack Obama
Next week is undoubtedly going to be truly historic - The Jonas Brothers are playing a free concert! Squeeeeee! We can't breathe! Our favourite girl-haired, virgin popstars playing a concert? For free? This is totally like the best news ever! We should get there early - we want Kevin Jonas to look us right in the eye when we scream "ARRRGH! KEVINJONASILOVEYOU! ARRRGH!" at him during Lovebug! Apparently The Jonas Brothers are playing their free concert to mark the inauguration of a man called Barack Obama, who's like the new mayor or the world or something. But mainly - THE JONAS BROTHERS! OMG!!!
Next week is undoubtedly going to be truly historic - The Jonas Brothers are playing a free concert! Squeeeeee! We can't breathe! Our favourite girl-haired, virgin popstars playing a concert? For free? This is totally like the best news ever! We should get there early - we want Kevin Jonas to look us right in the eye when we scream "ARRRGH! KEVINJONASILOVEYOU! ARRRGH!" at him during Lovebug! Apparently The Jonas Brothers are playing their free concert to mark the inauguration of a man called Barack Obama, who's like the new mayor or the world or something. But mainly - THE JONAS BROTHERS! OMG!!!
Taylor Swift Gets Mean When Virgins Dump Her
Not having been dumped by a Jonas brother, we'd assume that it'd be a giant relief - because then we'd get to move onto someone who's not a toddler. However, Taylor Swift doesn't quite see it like that. Taylor was dumped by a Jonas brother last month, and she's reacted as any normal 18-year-old girl would - by making an internet video that slags him off, by doing radio interviews that slag him off and by sort of claiming that all the angry songs on her new album are about what a turd he is. Joe Jonas - for those of you who are able to distinguish between the Jonas Brothers and happen to inexplicably care enough to need to know which one dumped Taylor Swift, who we're presuming you know as well - has yet to respond to Taylor Swift's vitriol yet. Or maybe he has. To be honest we don't care enough to find out.
Not having been dumped by a Jonas brother, we'd assume that it'd be a giant relief - because then we'd get to move onto someone who's not a toddler. However, Taylor Swift doesn't quite see it like that. Taylor was dumped by a Jonas brother last month, and she's reacted as any normal 18-year-old girl would - by making an internet video that slags him off, by doing radio interviews that slag him off and by sort of claiming that all the angry songs on her new album are about what a turd he is. Joe Jonas - for those of you who are able to distinguish between the Jonas Brothers and happen to inexplicably care enough to need to know which one dumped Taylor Swift, who we're presuming you know as well - has yet to respond to Taylor Swift's vitriol yet. Or maybe he has. To be honest we don't care enough to find out.
The Jonas Brothers & A Farting Dog: A Movie Match Made In, Um…
In generations to come, serious historians will pinpoint High School Musical 3 as the event that kickstarted the fall of mankind. You might not think so now, but you will. Because if it wasn't for the box office success of High School Musical 3, then there's isn't a chance in hell that God-bothering tweenypop virgins The Jonas Brothers would be allowed to make a movie entitled Walter The Farting Dog, about a fat dog named Walter who farts a lot. But they are. The Jonas Brothers are making a movie called Walter The Farting Dog, based on a successful range of children's books. We can only pray that The Jonas Brother make Walter The Farting Dog a success, because that will inevitably lead to the most perfect movie of all time - Miley Cyrus in an adaptation of Ingrid The Diarrhetic Menstruating Monkey.
In generations to come, serious historians will pinpoint High School Musical 3 as the event that kickstarted the fall of mankind. You might not think so now, but you will. Because if it wasn't for the box office success of High School Musical 3, then there's isn't a chance in hell that God-bothering tweenypop virgins The Jonas Brothers would be allowed to make a movie entitled Walter The Farting Dog, about a fat dog named Walter who farts a lot. But they are. The Jonas Brothers are making a movie called Walter The Farting Dog, based on a successful range of children's books. We can only pray that The Jonas Brother make Walter The Farting Dog a success, because that will inevitably lead to the most perfect movie of all time - Miley Cyrus in an adaptation of Ingrid The Diarrhetic Menstruating Monkey.
Russell Brand Forgiven By Irksome Virgins
Of course, the sight of Britney Spears with hair and a working pair of knickers wasn't the only story of the MTV VMAs - there was also Russell Brand. As the host of the MTV VMA awards, it was Russell Brand's job to gee up the audience and remind everyone about the awe-inspiring spectacle they were witnessing. That's technically not what Russell Brand did, though - what he did was slag off all virgins for being rubbish and then get shouted down by a tubby virgin from American Idol for it. But it's OK, because The Jonas Brothers - the virgin pioneers, the virgins that all other virgins aspire to be, the virgins that Russell Brand spent most of the MTV VMAs mocking for their preposterous purity rings - have forgiven Russell Brand for his comments about them. Which might make them seem like the bigger men, but let's not forget - they are virgins, so they're definitely not.
Of course, the sight of Britney Spears with hair and a working pair of knickers wasn't the only story of the MTV VMAs - there was also Russell Brand. As the host of the MTV VMA awards, it was Russell Brand's job to gee up the audience and remind everyone about the awe-inspiring spectacle they were witnessing. That's technically not what Russell Brand did, though - what he did was slag off all virgins for being rubbish and then get shouted down by a tubby virgin from American Idol for it. But it's OK, because The Jonas Brothers - the virgin pioneers, the virgins that all other virgins aspire to be, the virgins that Russell Brand spent most of the MTV VMAs mocking for their preposterous purity rings - have forgiven Russell Brand for his comments about them. Which might make them seem like the bigger men, but let's not forget - they are virgins, so they're definitely not.
Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers. This is News, How, Exactly?
Talking about Miley Cyrus all the time may be bad enough, but then we have to go and bring in this Jonas Brothers kid in just to see how far things can actually go downhill. As if covering the near-endless slew of nearly naked pictures of a 15-year-old isn't bad enough, now the media feels compelled to report on the fact that two 15-year-olds used to go out with each other. For a bit. And young Hannah Montana has gone and told us all about it. And hecklerspray apparently feels the need to talk about it. If there was an ounce of dignity left in the world, this 'news' is surely the swansong for that poor little blighter. It never stood a chance. Yet there it is, splashed all over the entertainment press: "Miley Cyrus: Breaking Up With Nick Jonas Was Hard" or the much more tempting: "Miley Cyrus: ‘Maybe I’ll End Up Marrying Nick Jonas’" - every publication getting in its own two cents on the matter, covering a two year relationship between two very young teenagers. And this is news. That people want to read. Can someone wake us up from the medically-enforced coma we're about to put ourselves in when the world stops being so clinically insane, thanks.
Talking about Miley Cyrus all the time may be bad enough, but then we have to go and bring in this Jonas Brothers kid in just to see how far things can actually go downhill. As if covering the near-endless slew of nearly naked pictures of a 15-year-old isn't bad enough, now the media feels compelled to report on the fact that two 15-year-olds used to go out with each other. For a bit. And young Hannah Montana has gone and told us all about it. And hecklerspray apparently feels the need to talk about it. If there was an ounce of dignity left in the world, this 'news' is surely the swansong for that poor little blighter. It never stood a chance. Yet there it is, splashed all over the entertainment press: "Miley Cyrus: Breaking Up With Nick Jonas Was Hard" or the much more tempting: "Miley Cyrus: ‘Maybe I’ll End Up Marrying Nick Jonas’" - every publication getting in its own two cents on the matter, covering a two year relationship between two very young teenagers. And this is news. That people want to read. Can someone wake us up from the medically-enforced coma we're about to put ourselves in when the world stops being so clinically insane, thanks.
