Despite technically being her biological father, Billy-Ray has always seemed to have been a sort of peripheral figure in the life of Miley Cyrus. We, like most people, just assumed that this squealing, garishly coloured infant that was thrust onto our screens/music charts/cinemas/nightmares a few years ago was grown organically in one of Disney?s many factories, like all teen stars. Possibly incubated in pork render, agar, MSG, and ?fairy dust? (which is the trademarked term they use for the last remaining precious spoonfuls of Uncle Walts ejaculate, apparently).
So imagine our surprise when we learnt that it was none other than the combination of the by product of a faux cowboy?s testicles and a genuine human woman?s warm embracing vagina that were contracted out to design and produce her. Under the aegis of the Disney corporation, obviously (probably).
Because of this embarrassing start to life, Miley has tried to distance herself from the biological process that marks her out from the rest of Disney and shown almost no emotional response to her ?parents?. Until now.
Not only has see been shown demonstrating an emotion, she is apparently ?furious?. This shows us three things.
1. That she has clearly broken free of her handler
2. That Disney has seen fit to upgrade her ?demonstrable human emotion chip? to level II
3. The teasing she must already get from the unbiologically grown Disney properties is just going to get worse. Seriously, you'd never get this level of emotion from good Disney children like the Jonas Brothers.
So what did her (technical) father do? Only gave a bloody interview to GQ where he wheezed out that he:
blamed the Disney series for “destroying” his family and causing his daughter to “go off the track”
The track he is referring to is probably where she started singing ?Warpigs? in the middle of ?Can't Be Tamed? during a live performance in Berlin. Either that or all the druggy revelations, and the tattoo, and the racisty slurs, and the lap dance, and the nude photos. All that stuff.
All of which was of course Disney?s fault.
She's clearly malfunctioning and needs to be taken back to the Disney upgrade center where she can be stripped and given a complete overhaul, cleaned, undrugged pipes, a new purity chip, the whole works.
Basically, they need to give her a complete doing over and stick their large manly tools in every available socket until she's drained and helpless and possibly gasping for more.
Normally, we?d apologise for the double entendre there, but you know what? Sod it, she's legal. Go nuts.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!
Johnny says
Miley’s awesome! She’s rich, famous, pretty, and can actually sing. She doesn’t use autotune or anything like that. And she can play the guitar.
That’s a lot more than you can say about Rihanna or Beyonce.