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jonas brothers

WEBTHUMP! Tuesday 12 May 2009

by Stuart Heritage

10 – Courtney Love’s Twitter feed put through Babelfish – Mychemicaltoilet

9 – MANBABIES! – Manbabies

8 – More Keyboard Cat than you could ever wish for. Brilliant – Playhimoffkeyboardcat

7 – Man apologises for Oprah’s KFC blunder in a sinister accent – Amygrindhouse

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Jonas Brothers Topless In 3D Movie: All 12-Year-Old Girls Have Just Exploded

by Paul Gibson

Attention, girls and creepy old men: the Jonas Brothers go boobs-out in their new film!

We’ve seen some pretty nasty things at the cinema. Saw II. Albanian midgetporn. And that bit in The Love Guru between getting out of the car and getting back in the car – just sickening.

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Weekend Box Office: Tyler Perry Beats Off The Jonas Brothers

by Stuart Heritage

The Jonas Brothers are a genuine sensation – in all seriousness, they might just be the biggest act on Earth.

And the Jonas Brothers had a film out on Friday. So what’s the number one movie at the weekend box office this week? You guessed it – it’s Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes To Jail.

Poor old the Jonas Brothers – they weren’t really supposed to be beaten by a man dressed as a fat old lady for another decade until their success waned and they developed drug habits that opened them up to a world of mind-bending transsexual S&M. Those lucky Jonas Brothers.

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The Jonas Brothers Want In On Twilight 2, Begin Sobbing Now

by Stuart Heritage

So far the Twilight 2 checklist includes Dakota Fanning, scrawny werewolves and a dildo with a funny haircut.

But that’s not quite awful enough, is it? If Twilight 2 is going to go above and beyond the original, it’s going to need to pull something spectacularly awful out of the bag. Twilight 2 needs something so profoundly dreadful that teenage girls will immediately urinate themselves to dust upon sight and everyone else will want to crap their own spines out just so they won’t have to deal with the gargantuan atrocity any more.

The Jonas Brothers want to be in Twilight 2. Bingo.

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Jonas Brothers Thrilled About Massacring Stevie Wonder’s Song

by Stuart Heritage

Aside from the bit where it staggered to a conclusion after about 16 interminable hours, what was your Grammy highlight?

Our was the Jonas Brothers/ Stevie Wonder duet. No, of course we’re joking here – watching a gang of pubeless bumstreaks like the Jonas Brothers and what appeared to be a morbidly obese sealion huff and screech their way through Stevie Wonder’s Superstition was the dictionary definition of unbearable. Honestly, you’d need to be a monumental cockhammer to enjoy something as clearly abhorrent as that.

Incidentally, the Jonas Brothers have called the duet ‘perfect’. We’re just going to leave it at that, we think.

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Them Jonas Brothers Sure Do Love Barack Obama

by Stuart Heritage

Next week is undoubtedly going to be truly historic – The Jonas Brothers are playing a free concert! Squeeeeee!

We can’t breathe! Our favourite girl-haired, virgin popstars playing a concert? For free? This is totally like the best news ever! We should get there early – we want Kevin Jonas to look us right in the eye when we scream “ARRRGH! KEVINJONASILOVEYOU! ARRRGH!” at him during Lovebug!

Apparently The Jonas Brothers are playing their free concert to mark the inauguration of a man called Barack Obama, who’s like the new mayor or the world or something. But mainly – THE JONAS BROTHERS! OMG!!!

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Taylor Swift Gets Mean When Virgins Dump Her

by Stuart Heritage

Not having been dumped by a Jonas brother, we’d assume that it’d be a giant relief – because then we’d get to move onto someone who’s not a toddler.

However, Taylor Swift doesn’t quite see it like that. Taylor was dumped by a Jonas brother last month, and she’s reacted as any normal 18-year-old girl would – by making aninternet video that slags him off, by doing radio interviews that slag him off and by sort of claiming that all the angry songs on her new album are about what a turd he is.

Joe Jonas – for those of you who are able to distinguish between the Jonas Brothers and happen to inexplicably care enough to need to know which one dumped Taylor Swift, who we’re presuming you know as well – has yet to respond to Taylor Swift’s vitriol yet. Or maybe he has. To be honest we don’t care enough to find out.

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The Jonas Brothers & A Farting Dog: A Movie Match Made In, Um…

by Stuart Heritage

In generations to come, serious historians will pinpoint High School Musical 3 as the event that kickstarted the fall of mankind.

You might not think so now, but you will. Because if it wasn’t for the box office success of High School Musical 3, then there’s isn’t a chance in hell that God-bothering tweenypop virgins The Jonas Brothers would be allowed to make a movie entitled Walter The Farting Dog, about a fat dog named Walter who farts a lot.

But they are. The Jonas Brothers are making a movie called Walter The Farting Dog, based on a successful range of children’s books. We can only pray that The Jonas Brother make Walter The Farting Dog a success, because that will inevitably lead to the most perfect movie of all time – Miley Cyrus in an adaptation of Ingrid The Diarrhetic Menstruating Monkey.

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Russell Brand Forgiven By Irksome Virgins

by Stuart Heritage

Of course, the sight of Britney Spears with hair and a working pair of knickers wasn’t the only story of the MTV VMAs – there was also Russell Brand.

As the host of the MTV VMA awards, it was Russell Brand’s job to gee up the audience and remind everyone about the awe-inspiring spectacle they were witnessing. That’s technically not what Russell Brand did, though – what he did was slag off all virgins for being rubbish and then get shouted down by a tubby virgin from American Idol for it.

But it’s OK, because The Jonas Brothers – the virgin pioneers, the virgins that all other virgins aspire to be, the virgins that Russell Brand spent most of the MTV VMAs mocking for their preposterous purity rings – have forgiven Russell Brand for his comments about them. Which might make them seem like the bigger men, but let’s not forget – they are virgins, so they’re definitely not.

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Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers. This is News, How, Exactly?

by Ian Dransfield

Talking about Miley Cyrus all the time may be bad enough, but then we have to go and bring in this Jonas Brothers kid in just to see how far things can actually go downhill. As if covering the near-endless slew of nearly naked pictures of a 15-year-old isn’t bad enough, now the media feels [...]

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