Without irony or hyperbole, the Teen Choice Awards sounds like the worst place on the face of the planet.
Why? Because Robert Pattinson was there. And The Jonas Brothers were there. And it was held yesterday, in Los Angeles in the summer. And Robert Pattinson and The Jonas Brothers are famed for making teenage girls urinate uncontrollably. And the sun is famed for its ability to evaporate liquid. So put it together and what do you get? Piss clouds. You get thousands of people at the Teen Choice Awards inhaling giant clouds of each other’s piss.
Plus: Miley Cyrus! Ugh.
The People’s Choice Awards is probably the greatest awards show on Earth, because all the awards are chosen by the people. Specifically they’re chosen by the people who happen to be attention-starved, borderline-obese housewives with gigantic haircuts from ridiculous little towns who vote because they’re propelled by a warped determination to give Two And A Half Men the recognition that they wrongly assume it deserves.
What’s great about the People’s Choice Awards is that, thanks to its name, it makes all of humanity look like a collection of blundering dimwits who’d happily spend a full afternoon crashing into the same locked patio door again and again wondering why a wizard had decided to suddenly make the air go hard. Really, it’s excellent.
But what if the People’s Choice Awards isn’t crackpot enough for you? What if you want to combine the astonishing dunderheadedness of the People’s Choice Awards with an auditorium full of thousands of teenage girls who cry and scream at such a staggering volume that passers-by could quite easily be forgiven for assuming that they were witnessing all-out infanticide? Well in that case you need the Teen Choice Awards, which was held yesterday – presumably in an effort to keep the rest of the planet quieter and comparatively urine-free for a few hours.
The LA Times has news of the winners:
“Twilight” won?11 of its 12 Teen Choice Awards nominations… Robert Pattinson crushed Dev Patel, and Kristen Stewart beat Friedo Pinto. “Twilight” also claimed more offbeat categories such as best romance, liplock and rumble. Miley Cyrus claimed six kudos, including best comedy TV show, comedy actress, music/dance movie actress, hissy fit, music single and summer song.
In addition, The Jonas Brothers won five awards and Zac Efron picked up two. Not to be outdone, though, Britney Spears managed to pick up one Teen Choice Award as well. Ostensibly Britney took home the worryingly vague ‘Ultimate Choice Award’, although it doesn’t take a genius to see that she was only invited so that the winners’ collective management could hold her up and say “See? THIS is what happens to you if you stop listening to us! Now get out back out there and make us all rich before your testicles descend!”
But still, we’re sure that the likes of Twilight, Robert Pattinson, The Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus are all thrilled to have won their Teen Choice Awards. After all, no awards mean more thn ones voted for by a bunch of easily-manipulated hormonal wazzocks.
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Jo says
Stuart, I am well past being a teenager but it pisses me off big time that you keep referring to teenage girls pissing themselves all the time! Why do you think that is what teenage girls do? Having been one myself (oh and having had a teenage daughter) let me assure you that is not what they do.
Scream, cry, make fools of themselves by going overboard on things you obviously can’t stand but pee themselves? Sorry to burst your bubble, but teenagers don’t generally piss their lives away (unless they’re the type who binge drink on sugary blue and pink alcopops of a weekend).
Make a deal with you. You stop writing about teenage girls pissing themselves and I’ll stop thinking you can’t think of anything else to write about them.
Hope we can dry this up once and for all.
Shooty* says
“Robert Pattinson crushed Dev Patel, and Kristen Stewart beat Friedo Pinto”
They had wrestling?
Sunny says
“You get thousands of people at the Teen Choice Awards inhaling giant clouds of each other
Robyn says
Well Jo, it sounds like you wasted your life. I for one spent my entire teenage girlhood weeing myself at regular intervals. I can only assume that your time as a teenager was spent wearing industrial-sized Tena Lady pads to avoid the public realisation that you were, in fact, constantly mid-flow. Shame on you for denying your true urine-soaked formative years. I pity your denial.
Andrew says
“Robert Pattinson crushed Dev Patel” – damn straight he did. If there was one piece of overhyped nonsense bigger than Twilight it was Slumdog Millionaire.