So far the Twilight 2 checklist includes Dakota Fanning, scrawny werewolves and a dildo with a funny haircut.
But that’s not quite awful enough, is it? If Twilight 2 is going to go above and beyond the original, it’s going to need to pull something spectacularly awful out of the bag. Twilight 2 needs something so profoundly dreadful that teenage girls will immediately urinate themselves to dust upon sight and everyone else will want to crap their own spines out just so they won’t have to deal with the gargantuan atrocity any more.
The Jonas Brothers want to be in Twilight 2. Bingo.
One of the biggest letdowns about Twilight for us – apart from the boring story, the creepy pro-conservative agenda, the direction, the acting, the lighting, the makeup, the setting, the title screen, the costumes and the constant bloody Robert Pattinson with his stupid hair and funny accent and “Blah blah blah, look at me, I’m Robert Pattinson, I’m so great” – was the soundtrack.
Because while Paramore are good – no, actually we take that back. Paramore are terrible. Paramore are the worst band in history. We’d rather listen to a zoo burn down than listen to Paramore – they weren’t a great fit for the Twilight audience. True, they nailed Twilight‘s penchant for toothless emo and religious flag-waving, but the people who saw Twilight were all screaming irrational 14-year-old female dingbats, and Paramore just didn’t reflect that.
But you know who does? The Jonas Brothers, that’s who.
As part of their evil plan to gain total cultural omnipotence despite being a gaggle of oddly-eyebrowed virgins, The Jonas Brothers have decided that they want to join the likes of Dakota Fanning and that weedy werewolf chap in playing a part in Twilight 2. Even though, you know, none of them have actually seen Twilight. MTV reports:
“The movie was obviously a huge success, and if they asked us to be a part of [the sequel], that would be great,” Nick Jonas said. “It would be really cool.” “That would be really cool,” agreed Joe and Kevin. [But] before they can do much more “New Moon” campaigning, the chart-topping trio still need to actually sit down and watch “Twilight.” “I haven’t seen it,” Joe admitted. “But I have heard it’s a great movie.”
Genius. The Jonas Brothers want to be in Twilight 2 even though they haven’t got a clue what it’s about. That’s actually incredible. In fact, why stop there? We want to see The Jonas Brothers offer to write songs for other films they haven’t seen just because they happen to be popular, too. By the end of the year we want to see Paul Blart: Mall Cop, The Dark Knight, There Will Be Blood, Last Tango In Paris, Emmanuelle vs. Dracula and Faces Of Death all re-released on DVD featuring a soundtrack exclusively made up of shiny-faced Jonas Brothers pop songs.
Oh, we’re just kidding. The Jonas Brothers would be a wonderful fit for Twilight 2. They all already look a bit like angst-ridden werewolves as it is, plus the sound of their Grammy duet with Stevie Wonder is a million times more frightening than anything we’ve ever heard in a horror movie.
JJ says
As someone who doesn’t even like the book much, I have to say this article wasn’t funny or really that good to be honest. I’ve read really great articles (especially when Breaking Dawn came out) slandering Twilight but this really wasn’t one of them. The humour was so forced and so -my-god-is-someone-saying-that-again that I actually bothered to write a comment. Did you really need twenty adjectives in every sentence or the sarcasm, or mostly everything. Hey maybe it’s just me or something. Hey look at that, I’m critising the article you wrote to critisise what someone else wrote. At least you don’t get to be mad at me now.
Kathy says
I would love it if Jonas Brothers would be in the movie. And Just because there virgins doesn’t make them retarts or gay asses because they don’t want to loose there virginity like other sluts(Miley) would.
So I would love it if they were in it.
It would make my day!
Jordana says
I desagree with you! I don’t think Jonas Brothers could be a good fit for Twilight 2 , I don’t like their musics I prefer Paramore a million o f times!
cha cha cha says
Is this a joke twilight is the bestest movie and paramore were great..
wtf saying all that shit was bad about it it is soo.. goooddd
Jonas brothers could write a song for it but it better be good ;|
tehehe
whooooooo GO TWILIGHT !!!!!
Anna says
I agree very much with both of the first girls that the jonas brothers are awesome and the worst thing in their songs are simple kisses. It would be great if they would bring some taste into those stupid pointless Twilight movies!!!! who agrees?
Leni says
well i love twilight so idk what u people r talking about… its great!
If the Jo Bros get into the soundtrack i will be very pissed off!!!
They need to stick to disney and stay away from our beloved twilight <3
getalife says
Way to wreck a movie. The Jo Bros and all the Disney kids need to find another movie to ruin. The Twilight soundtrack ROCKED with great bands as Paramore, Muse, Black Ghosts, etc. Sorry people, Jo Bros do not rock and are NOT a great band. Bubblegum music for 5-12 year olds is their specialty. The Twilight series it too grown up for them. Stephenie Meyer say it’s not so!!!!!!!!
Kens-A says
No.. The Jonas Brothers could make a song for the soundtrack to make the other song sound a little less EMO!
dina says
umm how about you stfu..whoever wrote this obviously has a fucked up life and is miserable get a life and stfu and stop judging. do your own shyt and if you dont have anything to say, STFU.
AND UHH ROBERT PATTINSON ALWAYS OUTS HIMSELF DOWN…NOT ONCE HAS HE BOASTED ABOUT HIMSELF YOU OLD FUCK.
me says
i think this is stupid twilight is awsome, just because some guy that like slags people of dunt like it … edward is a fittie and no offence but the jonas brothers i think should stay with disney and hannah montana :) like get a life said bubblegum.
TeamEdward Twlight rules <3
Little Me says
OMFG!! Wat is this retard saying??!! I adore Twilight and I think the books are amazing!! I personally have nothing against the Jonas Brothers but they shouldnt be in the Movie. I also think that if this Stuart guy wants to slag off a film, he needs to at least get the name right!! I mean,TWILIGHT 2?? ITS CALLED NEW MOON YOU IDIOT!! The Jonas bros are incredibly crap and disneyfied but they are NOT BY NO MEANS in the same league as Twilight.
BTW, why does Stuart Heritage have to say whats good and what isnt?? Hes an old basturd if you ask me and RPattz does NOT prance around saying how gr8 he is!!
GET A LIFE YOU BASTURD!!
team potter says
i’m so sorry but…. THIS ROCKS!!!! sorry all twlight fans but it seems that your precious new moon is gong commercial. another reason why Harry is better they have good actors not stupid robert – i thnk i’m so sexy but omg i’m soooo not funny – pattinson. good actors in harry potter include the folowing: gary oldman, david thellis, alan rickman, timothy spall,kenneth branagh, maggie smith, just to name a few. and what does twilight have…. nothing!!
who cares says
IT’S NOT CALLED TWILIGHT 2.
IT’S CALLED NEW MOON.
AND SHUT UP JO BROS.
NO WAY COULD YOU EVER WRITE A SONG FOR NEW MOON.
IF THERE ARE ANY DISNEY STARS INVOLVED IN THIS MOVIE, I PROLLY WON’T BOTHER SEING IT.
Cody says
You honestly think Jonas brothers are better than paramore..?? Paramore has more talent than the Jonas Brothers any day. Not only that but they were the perfect fit for the fans of twilight. Everyone i know that has read twilight LOVES Paramore.
Dee says
Twilight was nothing special if you look at it movie-wise, but book-wise? Sure, I guess the series is worth reading if you’re into books with happy endings that beautify every single thing in an obviously sugar-coated fantasy world.
I got sceptical to the movie as soon as I heard Paramore were on the soundtrack. Shit band with shitty songs, and a fanbase of five million 13 year old girls.
I went and saw the movie, and of course, my expections were lower than low. How the movie managed to disappoint me, I still don’t know.
Jonas Brothers in New Moon? Well, I lol’d. But sure, go ahead. Add them to the movie! Let them show us their AMAZING acting skills and pretty boy-faces on screen.
I know for a fact that I won’t bother spending a single cent on seeing – what will by no doubt – be a shit movie, whether they add the boys all little girls love or not.
P.S. Silly boys in silly pop-bands don’t belong in movies. Not even shitty ones.
Alex says
I completely agree with everything said by the author. The movie sucks, the music sucks, and the jonas bros suck enough to be a wonderful match. All you people correcting the author and telling him to get a life obviously need to get your own. You’re too wrapped up in trying to correct people who aren’t interested and in your own self-gratification. Twilight was the worst thing to happen to books, teen books, vampires and werewolves, romance, movies, and society as a whole since the Red Scare.
kedisha says
twilight is the only movie i like 2 c plz jonasbros dont ruin it 4 me stick 2 ur slut miley and disney ur voice rocks but ur actin sucks i mean dude plz guys plz dont stick 2 confussed 12_17 year olds
Mary says
I think that you should shut your mouth because there are A LOT of fans of Twilight, Paramore and, definitely, fans of Jonas brothers.
bluemangroup says
ok lets get a few things straight. i was just gonna leave this website till i read your comment, the jonas brothers are very much gay an i would not be surprised to learn they’re banging each other, also twilight an this new moon crap an the sparkly wnker should all be destroyed atom by atom an if the jonas brothers an twilight coming together makes your day i feel very sorry for you intelligence an your pathetic life……have a great day =)