Like everyone else, we were praying that Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle would get married and have kids.
We don’t want to see them happy, you understand. No, it’s because Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle have both got massive eyebrows and so their offspring would end up freakishly hairy, and we’d be allowed to chase it into the forest with pitchforks and torches as a result. But that dream is over – Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle have split up.
Still, Joe Jonas took the news like a man – a man who openly weeps at his own concerts. Video? Oh yes.
For the briefest moment of time recently, all the Jonas brothers were happy. They were all in blissful, non-sexual relationships with their dream girls – the littlest Jonas was together with Miley Cyrus, the rubbish older Jonas who looks like he was ordered to join the Jonas Brothers against his will by his parents had just got engaged to a hairdresser and Joe Jonas was hooked up with Camilla Belle, the girl from that rubbish caveman film that nobody saw.
But now it’s over. Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle – the poster couple for wild, uncontrollable eyebrows that closely resemble what we imagine Susan Boyle‘s pubes to be like – are no more. They’ve split up. They’re kaput.
What caused this heartbreaking love split? Was it Joe Jonas’ punishing workload? Were Camilla Belle’s eyebrows so big that they weighed down her head, giving her the preliminary stages of a grotesque humpback? Maybe we’ll never know. All we have for now is the statement given to Access Hollywood by Camilla Belle’s rep Brad Cafarelli:
“Yes, it’s true, they have broken up,” Brad Cafarelli told Access. However, the split was amicable and Jonas and Belle remain on good terms. “There is no third party involved and they care deeply about each other and will remain friends,” Cafarelli added.
Cafarelli then conspicuously turned his back on reporters and started punching himself in the face, presumably because he never wanted to officially pass on non-details of the dating habits of D-list celebrities for a living and deep down he knows that his parents are disgusted with the career choices he’s made. Or at least that’s what we imagine Cafarelli did – it’s what we would have done in his situation, anyway.
But listen! The big news isn’t that Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle have split up – the big news is that afterwards, Joe Jonas couldn’t stop blubbering like some sort of emotionally immature namby-pamby wussbag during his concert. Look, there’s video…
Now, if you look very very closely at the video, you’ll see that Joe Jonas is crying. Alternatively if you play the video and close your eyes you’ll still see that Joe Jonas is crying because of the thousands of hormonal teenage girls shrieking “OH MY GOD! HE’S CRYING! HE’S CRYING! WEAUUUUUURGH! AaaaaaaaAAAAAAAGH! I CAN’T BREATHE!” Either way, you’ll be able to tell that Joe Jonas is crying.
Why is Joe Jonas crying? God knows – sure, he might have split up with his girlfriend, but he’s Joe Jonas, for God’s sake. The world is full of girls that he can take back to his hotel room and affectionately pat on the back while silently cursing that stupid bloody purity ring his management told him to wear. That boy needs to cowboy up.