Hollywood Records is a label imprint for the Walt Disney Company.
Therefore they have a truly horrible roster of ’stars’ like Hayden Panettiere and Vanessa Hudgens. Although I will pretty much listen to any tween piece of crap, some of this stuff is truly bone-chilling. The label pretty much makes its money solely on the premise that if teenagers like to see rubbish actors in movies, they will LOVE hearing them sing. Unfortunately for us, this appears to be true. Basically, being an artist on Hollywood records is like being a chef at McDonalds.
Prime examples after the jump…
Jesse McCartney – It’s Over
Jesse McCartney is the latest in a line of snivelling little girl singers, lisping his way through ballads about the kind of impossibly complex love and heartbreak only a 21-year-old whose voice hasn’t yet properly broken could ever hope to fathom. In this video he mopes around (as usual), enlisting the help of some deeply uninvested producers and one of Justin Timberlake’s set designers. The song sounds like something he found whilst digging though Babyface’s trash.
Hayden Panettiere - Wake Up Call
This is one of the most awful songs I have ever heard and I can honestly say I would rather be forced to watch someone murder and eat my family than have to listen to it again. Who the fuck wrote in a RAP!? I think the gist of the song is if your boyfriend stops paying attention to you you should have sex with someone else to remind that he loves you. If this doesn’t make sense to you, don’t worry, that just means you’re not a cretin.
Jonas Brothers – Burnin’ Up
The Jonas Brothers halfheartedly pretend to be interested in women and some paid actresses halfheartedly return the favour. Confused man-children with bad hair.
Vanessa Hudgens – Sneakernight
This song is pretty catchy, but whilst watching the video all I could think was ‘Heh heh heh. I’ve seen your minge.’
Insane Clown Posse – Down With The Clown (no seriously.)
WOOO! RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE! ANARCHY!
Corbin Bleu – Deal With It
Things that are probably less painful than this video:
Vivisection sans anaesthetic
Having a 300 pound woman repeatedly stamp on your testicles
Licking the crotch of one of Paris Hilton’s thongs and then having to deal with whatever diseases you contract.
Miley Cyrus – 7 Things
One of the only Hollywood Records artists I have nothing bad to say about because this song is awesome and so is Miley Cyrus. At 16 she’s already had three ‘erotic pic’ phone leaks and enjoys dating older men and perceived racial slurs. Someone for the kids to look up to, truly.
This was a guest blog by Amy Green from Interpol Groupies Wear Black. She means it, man.