There are three types of Jonas Brother fan – those who like Joe because he’s sexy, those who like Nick because he’s cute.
And those who like Kevin out of pity. But that last group has just suffered what’s probably the worst weekend of their lives, because Kevin Jonas has got married.
Apparently Kevin Jonas’ wedding ceremony was a beautiful snow-flecked affair, and the night that followed was precisely what you’d expect from someone so proud to keep his virginity intact until marriage – three hours of trying to stick in in her belly button followed by six hours of icy, resentful sobbing. God, we’re turned on just thinking about it.
This is just a hunch, but we’d imagine that the next Jonas Brothers album will be full of songs called things like Eat My Throbbing Piston and I’m A Horny Jizz Machine. Why? Because Kevin Jonas has probably just lost his virginity, that’s why.
Oh, and he got married too. That’s probably worth mentioning. Let’s go with that first.
On Saturday Kevin Jonas married his fiance Danielle Deleasa in a lovely wintry Long Island ceremony that was attended by around 400 guests. We weren’t there, obviously, so we can’t tell you how thick the air was with petrified sexual anticipation, but luckily People magazine got to talk to the wedding planner Michael Russo, who presumably also moonlights as the most nauseating man to have ever walked the face of the Earth. Look:
“The snow only made it look more like a winter wonderland. Danielle looked like a princess. Kevin couldn’t stop smiling… Kevin has said many times he feels like he met his princess. To see them together you can feel the warmth and the love all around them. They are just perfect for each other.”
All that, plus Kevin’s getting on a bit and if he didn’t marry someone soon his testicles would have exploded. But mainly it’s the being perfect for each other thing.
Still, as pleased as we are about Kevin Jonas and Danielle Deleasa, we’re a little wary of the effect that their marriage will have on the Jonas Brothers. And it’s not just the sex thing, either – what if Kevin decides to drop out of a tour midway through so that he can go and browse some soft furnishings for his reception room? What if he starts wearing sensible cardigans and practical shoes? What if he experiments with a moustache? Mark these words – Danielle Deleasa is the Yoko Ono of the Jonas Brothers. She’ll tear them apart. That’s no bad thing, obviously, but she will.
But let’s worry about that another time. For now, let’s just congratulate Kevin Jonas from making the important leap from committed virgin to married man. Before Saturday he wouldn’t have sex because he didn’t want to. And from now on he won’t have sex because his wife doesn’t want to. You’re a man now, Kevin Jonas.
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Hanan says
urr hes not the rubbieshest jonas brother.
they’re all amazing.
so shh.
A says
Screw You…You don’t know the first thing about Kevin!!
I’m so sick of hearing this crap!!
All Women Stalker says
I never liked the Jonas Brothers but a wedding always turns me into a sap. So congratulations to Kevin and his bride!
– Kaith
melanie says
i thought this one already got married months ago.
Holly says
I think kevin jonas is not rubbish becuse he cool but I dint think he is the cute one I think nick jonas is the cute one then joe then keving but kist becuse he is not that cut dosent mean he is rubbish ok bye x
A says
yer same I think he iscool And not the cute one but he ant rubbish !!!!!
Monkey butt says
That’s just sad he got married and his wife won’t let him have sex with her.
KEVINROX! says
F*CK YOU! Seriously!
Kevin is an amazing person! And how could you be that rude! gosh,,
GET A FREAKIN LIFE Stuart Heritage !
Ur just jealous!
Lexie says
GOD! IT’S THESE IGNORANT, SELF-ABSORBED, IDIOTIC PEOPLE LIKE YOU THAT NEED A GOOD PUNCH IN THE NOSE! You are so sick! Why don’t you go out and GET a LIFE? Why don’t you leave Kevin alone? I’m sure he didn’t do anything to YOU! And Kevin is just as amazing a person as Joe, Nick, Frankie, and all the fantastic people they’ve surrounded themselves with. I LOVE the Jonas Brothers and to hear someone talk about them like this is awful! Now, think hard about this: which would you most like to do next? A) Insult the Beatles or B) Go out, get a life, and prove to the world that yes, your IQ is indeed higher than 3. I suggest B but hey, it’s your call dude.
AnSop says
kev isn
Andrea says
Well, why aren’t YOU an amazing writer? (:
Hmmm; Kevin Jonas is loved out of pity? He’s rubbish?
Is someone jealous?
This is such a shame what this world is turning to. As a fan since the beginning, I know what Kevin, and all three of the boys, are like on the inside. They are amazing boys, they have great hearts, and really deserve everything they’ve acheived. So if you think that just because he may not be the “hottest” Jonas, that makes him “rubbishest”, you have another thing coming. So please; do us all a favor…stop writing…horribly, might I add.
Andrea says
Hahaha, love it. :D
CRB says
What the hell world do you live in?!… just because the young tweenie screamers love the younger two doesnt mean Kevin is the worst. Every guy I know, even if they arent fans, say Kevin is really the only one they like because he isnt as bitchy as Nick and as girly as Joe (their words, not mine) and that he seems like someone you could easily hang out with. And all my friends (who are in their 20s) say they love Kevin… he deserves a hell of alot more credit than he gets, not to mention when he does sing, I think he has the bast voice…
CRB says
Having said what I said though, I do wonder a bit what the night was like. I mean its obvious by that picture of him with a handful of her butt when he thought nobody was looking, and the nights spent with her alone, that he had probably gotten to third base, so he wasnt completely oblivious. I mean when you have your first time with someone you love and you are mature, it isnt bad (it just happens alot of people dont get that lucky with their first time)
Jessica says
Ok listen here you have no right to say anything like that about any one. You dont personally know them. You are so judgemental and He waited till marrige because of their believe not because he dont have balls he has more balls then you will ever have. It takes a brave man to wait and i think you should know that thats wat most girls want these days. They dont want a slimmy dirtbag like you. You should never talk about things like that ever again. That is just awful so how bout u need to be the one that grows up!
Lexie says
u like my comment? well, thank you! :D trust me, i’ve had plenty of practice fending off greasy wannabe papparzzi and haters
Kallyn says
Wow seriously that is just rude! Sure Kevin isn’t my favorite of the three but he doesn’t deserve this crap from you!
beth ann says
you are all awesome
beth ann says
i hope that you can come here in pa guys
blupheonix says
LMAO!!!
Loving these articles on KJ.
Seriously, what right minded man gets married at 22 THESE DAYS??!!
It’s just asking for trouble… No worries tho ladies. This will only last 3 years or so, then she will leave him, and take half his Jonas money… LOL!!
banhart(: says
Cool down, dear. Have a Tetleys. I find it hilarious when people make jokes about stuff I love…. Gives me a new perspective. Chill out, laugh, eat, drink. be merry, get high, etc. :) And you know you wrote that comment? Get a life? Well, you wasted about 5 minutes of it writing that. Get out. Make something of yourself, love.
Cheers.
kingsley says
Danielle Deleasa is not going to be Yoko Ono because Kevin Jonas will never be as good as John Lennon ;D