There are three types of Jonas Brother fan – those who like Joe because he’s sexy, those who like Nick because he’s cute.

And those who like Kevin out of pity. But that last group has just suffered what’s probably the worst weekend of their lives, because Kevin Jonas has got married.

Apparently Kevin Jonas’ wedding ceremony was a beautiful snow-flecked affair, and the night that followed was precisely what you’d expect from someone so proud to keep his virginity intact until marriage – three hours of trying to stick in in her belly button followed by six hours of icy, resentful sobbing. God, we’re turned on just thinking about it.

This is just a hunch, but we’d imagine that the next Jonas Brothers album will be full of songs called things like Eat My Throbbing Piston and I’m A Horny Jizz Machine. Why? Because Kevin Jonas has probably just lost his virginity, that’s why.

Oh, and he got married too. That’s probably worth mentioning. Let’s go with that first.

On Saturday Kevin Jonas married his fiance Danielle Deleasa in a lovely wintry Long Island ceremony that was attended by around 400 guests. We weren’t there, obviously, so we can’t tell you how thick the air was with petrified sexual anticipation, but luckily People magazine got to talk to the wedding planner Michael Russo, who presumably also moonlights as the most nauseating man to have ever walked the face of the Earth. Look:

“The snow only made it look more like a winter wonderland. Danielle looked like a princess. Kevin couldn’t stop smiling… Kevin has said many times he feels like he met his princess. To see them together you can feel the warmth and the love all around them. They are just perfect for each other.”

All that, plus Kevin’s getting on a bit and if he didn’t marry someone soon his testicles would have exploded. But mainly it’s the being perfect for each other thing.

Still, as pleased as we are about Kevin Jonas and Danielle Deleasa, we’re a little wary of the effect that their marriage will have on the Jonas Brothers. And it’s not just the sex thing, either – what if Kevin decides to drop out of a tour midway through so that he can go and browse some soft furnishings for his reception room? What if he starts wearing sensible cardigans and practical shoes? What if he experiments with a moustache? Mark these words – Danielle Deleasa is the Yoko Ono of the Jonas Brothers. She’ll tear them apart. That’s no bad thing, obviously, but she will.

But let’s worry about that another time. For now, let’s just congratulate Kevin Jonas from making the important leap from committed virgin to married man. Before Saturday he wouldn’t have sex because he didn’t want to. And from now on he won’t have sex because his wife doesn’t want to. You’re a man now, Kevin Jonas.

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