Joe Jonas and Ashley Greene have, crushingly, called time on their romance. What will us plebs aspire to now in matters of the heart. For here, we lie jaded, broken and listlessly twitching on our knees, wondering if true love even exists anymore.
It is gone, blown away on a cruel, tender breeze along with our hopes which are fading like the last lingering flickers of the day as the sun sets in all of our hearts.
And Joe Jonas (who may or may not be pictured right, we’ve no idea which clone we’ve featured) is totally not a great big gay. Okay? He’s not. He’s really not a massive gay. Just to clear that up.
The singing Clonas has been trying to insert as many fingers as humanly possible up the groin of the Twilight actress since summer have reportedly split. We say ‘reportedly’ in case they change their minds, which they won’t because some spokespeople have confirmed the news.
Libel law is almost as stupid as your average Twilight fan.
Anyway, Greene, who will be starring as chaste emo vampire Alice Cullen in the final film in the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, went public with Whichever Clonas we’re currently talking about last autumn and were reportedly spotted ‘being affectionate in Disneyland’.
In case you didn’t know, ‘being affectionate’ means penetration and ‘Disneyland’ means ‘anus’.
A source, who we don’t actually care if they’re reliable or not, says:
“He thinks she is down-to-earth and absolutely beautiful. He hasn’t been this into a girl in a long time”
See? As many fingers as humanly possible. The ‘Disney’ area.
So. They’ve split up and junk. We’ll set up a helpline for you snivelling wimps who can’t process this obviously awful news and mock you ’til you snap out of it.
Okay?
Oh, and Joe Jonas is definitely not a young gay man who likes kissing gay men on the lips and Disneyland. Definitely not. Absolutely, definitely not a gay.
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