Imagine, if you will, two people going on a date which involves sushi. Of course, your first thought is that, provided they’re not Japanese, they should probably be strung-up or lamped with a bat of some kind.
That aside, the news that people are on a date which involves food isn’t too Earth shattering is it?
Well, you haven’t heard the story of Ashley Greene and Joe Jonas dropping in for a late-night meal in Baton Rouge which ended up killing over three-thousand people. No, honestly.
In one of the most shocking celebrity stories of the year, the Twilight star and chastity prone singing gimp, accidentally saw to the death of thousands of people while slowly chewing food.
One of the managers at the Ichiban restaurant says:
“They were really friendly. They just walked in, sat down, and the word started going around that they were here.”
In a callous move on the couple’s part, they purposefully didn’t ask for a private room or special treatment.
“Everyone in the restaurant knew who they were. They were definitely there together, as a couple.”
“The kitchen crew and wait staff were excited to see them. Some of them stayed late because they were hoping to get their picture.”
Greene and Jonas waited around and posed for pictures… and this is when the trouble started.
Startled by a flash from a camera, Greene fell backward into a huge ornamental brass urn. Jonas lamely tried to catch her before she fell. However, inside the brass fixture was cleaning fluid, designed to take away the scum from the inside. While Jonas leapt to help, he sent a penis shaped candle tumbling to the floor, which set alight to the fluid in the urn, setting fire to the whole restaurant.
Sadly, at the time, outside the restaurant, a huge crowd had gathered. Sadly, because it was mainly made up of young teens who watch Twilight, there was a lot of hairspray, which immediately caught fire, sending screaming youths running into the street with their heads on fire.
Greene and Jonas looked on helplessly because they only know how to pose for photographs when not plying their respective arts. No-one was quick witted enough to tell Ashley Greene that she should pretend to be a firewoman hero. Instead, mutated, scorched hands still pawed at the now trembling actress, asking for autographs.
Then, and you could see this coming, Baton Rouge’s famous ‘Lake Of Oil’ caught fire, killing two thousand in nearby woodland (there was a meeting of the Illuminati and their giant wicker owl only provided more fuel for the blaze, along with the wispy pubes and dried out skin of various politicians and world-leaders).
And of course, we made all this up because the story was this: Two people ate something. The end.
God. We hate slow news days.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!