Posts tagged as:

celebrity relationships

Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong Apparently Dating on Purpose

by hecklerspray staff

You know that old saying about how a famous woman is like the village bicycle and everyone has had a ride and one guy almost offed himself after having a ride and now a famous cyclist is having a go?

Yeah, that’s a good saying.

On a completely unrelated subject, fresh off her split from Owen Wilson (again) Kate Hudson and bazillion time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong are apparently dating. They were seen out together. Eating food. Twice.

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Jessica Simpson & Tony Romo Possibly Back On, Earth Quivers

by Stuart Heritage

Did you cry when you discovered that Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo had split up?

We sure did, but that was only because we were busy trying to take out our brain by ramming knitting needles up our nostrils just so we wouldn’t have to hear about titting Jessica Simpson and TonyRomo all the arseing time. It stung, OK?

Anyway, if you did cry when Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo split up then get ready to do a happy little jig – Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo are back on! Or they might be back on based on one report of hand-holding! Or they aren’t back together at all! Or they’re forever doomed to a lifetime of unrelenting misery! Either way, let’s all do a happy little jig anyway! Whee! We may have pierced the part of our brain that regulates inhibition! Wheeeeee!

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Jessica Simpson/ Tony Romo Split All Daddy Simpson’s Fault

by Stuart Heritage

Like us, you’re probably devastated by the news that Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo have split up.

No? You forgot about the Jessica Simpson/ Tony Romo split as soon as you heard about it because you don’t really know who Tony Romo is and you’re not especially fussed whether Jessica Simpson lives or dies? Us neither, now we come to think of it.

Anyway, even though nobody can really put their hand on their heart and honestly claim to even slightly care about any of this, someone must be to blame for Jessica and Tony’s split. And apparently it’s Joe Simpson, Jessica Simpson’s dickish dad, who inadvertently broke the couple up by being all dickish. We know – thrilling.

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Jessica Simpson & Tony Romo Probably A Little Bit Split Up

by Stuart Heritage

Though they’ll never admit it, every single girl on Earth gets bitterly jealous when their sister gets married.

Except, of course, for Jessica Simpson. Cut Jessica Simpson open and nothing but white beams of joy shoot out of her veins. So, even though Jessica Simpson’s sister Ashlee is due to get married the day after tomorrow, Jessica Simpson has nothing to be angry or bitter or jealous about.

Except that Jessica Simpson’s boyfriend Tony Romo has probably just dumped her and she’ll have to go to the wedding alone and spend a day constantly surrounded by millions of glaring reminders that plenty of people are capable of having successful relationships and she isn’t one of them. Chances are she’s pretty gnawed up about that, to be fair.

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Liv Tyler Divorces Comedy Northerner Husband

by Stuart Heritage

Remember Spacehog? Of course you don’t – they were rubbish and we only know their name because we just looked it up.

However, apart from their genuinely awful name, Spacehog looked to go down in history for one thing – the fact that frontman Royston Langdon was the jammiest generic northern indie singer in the world because he’d somehow convinced Liv Tyler to marry him.

But, men of the world, you no longer have to be rampantly jealous of Royston Langdon, because Liv Tyler’s just decided to divorce him. That is unless you enjoyed being rampantly jealous of Royston Langdon, of course, in which case you have plenty of other things to envy him for, like… um… look, we’re going to have to get back to you on this.

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Gary Coleman Divorces Kind-Hearted Non-Angry Non-Midget

by Shawn Lindseth

It is with great sorrow and low-hung heads that we bring you this news: Heaven is broken and love hath not glue.

Was that deep? We just wrote that. Nobody else use it as we intend to get it copyrighted and what-not. We’d like to thank Gary Coleman for inspiring to write it, and want him onstage with us if we ever get some sort of literary award for writing it.

He’s heading for splitsville, you know. It’s true – Coleman, usually star of the small screen, sometimes star of the low-budget big screen and most recently star of his bathroom mirror, is having severe marital difficulty. This is almost inconceivable as the man only got hitched like yesterday or something.

Depending on the source, Coleman is either getting a full-fledged divorce on the show Divorce Court, or he’s just going on to get some marital advice. Of course the former is far more sensational of a headline.

It is with great sorrow and low-hung heads that we bring you this news: Heaven is broken and love hath not glue. Was that deep? We just wrote that. Nobody else use it as we intend to get it copyrighted and what-not. We’d like to thank Gary Coleman for inspiring to write it, and want him onstage with us if we ever get some sort of literary award for writing it. He’s heading for splitsville, you know. It’s true - Coleman, usually star of the small screen, sometimes star of the low-budget big screen and most recently star of his bathroom mirror, is having severe marital difficulty. This is almost inconceivable as the man only got hitched like yesterday or something. Depending on the source, Coleman is either getting a full-fledged divorce on the show Divorce Court, or he’s just going on to get some marital advice. Of course the former is far more sensational of a headline.
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Kelly Brook Quite Happy She Dumped That Titanic Slaphead

by Stuart Heritage

Sad news – Kelly Brook and Billy Zane have split up. Billy Zane. He was in Titanic. You know, Billy Zane. Went out with Kelly Brook for a while. Anyone?

However, perhaps it’s not all sad news that Kelly Brook and Billy Zane have split up. For a start it means that Billy can go back to making his rubbish straight-to-DVD movies without any distractions, while Kelly Brook looks positively thrilled that she dumped him.

And this happiness might even trickle down to you, boys, because it means Kelly Brook is back on the market. You have a chance! Provided, of course, that you’re older than Kelly Brook and bald. And a C-list actor who’ll use your meagre Hollywood status to boost Kelly’s acting career by association until you’ve exhausted your use at which point she’ll quickly dump you for someone infinitesimally more famous.That’ll help too.

Sad news - Kelly Brook and Billy Zane have split up. Billy Zane. He was in Titanic. You know, Billy Zane. Went out with Kelly Brook for a while. Anyone? However, perhaps it's not all sad news that Kelly Brook and Billy Zane have split up. For a start it means that Billy can go back to making his rubbish straight-to-DVD movies without any distractions, while Kelly Brook looks positively thrilled that she dumped him. And this happiness might even trickle down to you, boys, because it means Kelly Brook is back on the market. You have a chance! Provided, of course, that you're older than Kelly Brook and bald. And a C-list actor who'll use your meagre Hollywood status to boost Kelly's acting career by association until you've exhausted your use at which point she'll quickly dump you for someone infinitesimally more famous.That'll help too.
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Kanye West’s Ex-Fiancee Is One Sad, Dumped Woman

by hecklerspray staff

We have a very fulfilling love life, and we owe it all to Kanye West.

We got his New Workout Plan video, complete with Kanye West in a purple spandex singlet and sweatband, and crunched our way to dating NBA players and rappers, just like he promised.

Too bad Kanye West’s fiancée didn’t stick to the plan, too, because she got the saddle bags and muffin top thing going on, and he had to dump her flab-o trash.

Or something. There may have been other issues at hand.

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Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes: It’s Over, Except It Probably Isn’t

by Stuart Heritage

If any of you have a secret crush on either Tom Cruise or Katie Holmes, then we have bad news – a) they’re not divorcing, and b) you’re quite creepy.

And, although we could write a book on all the different ways that you creep us out, right now we’ll just focus on the Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes not divorcing thing. Yesterday two US gossip magazines delivered the shock news that Katie Holmes was so sick of Tom Cruise that a divorce was quietly being planned.

However, both Tom and Katie have dismissed the reports as false. So if you catch Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes making out in public and being all gross to overcompensate for these split rumours any time soon, feel free to blame the magazines. There’s probably even a lawsuit in it if they actually make you throw up.

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Harry Potter Officially Gets Hacked To Bits

by Stuart Heritage

Like a holiday romance with a pretty Lithuanian girl who naively accepts your false claims of being a powerful blogger as truth, we don’t want Harry Potter to end.

OK, that’s a lie. We do want Harry Potter to end. Sometimes we wish that Harry Potter had never been born at all. But the Warner Bros big cheeses who rely on Harry Potter to keep them in private jets and man-made vagina-shaped residential islands don’t want Harry Potter to end.

And what they say goes, because it’s just been made official that Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows will be turned into two separate movies. Now Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows will be released in November 2010, with its sequel Harry Potter And The Even More Deathlier Hallows That Make The First Lot Of Deathly Hallows Look A Bit Wimpy And Shit will follow in May 2011.

Like a holiday romance with a pretty Lithuanian girl who naively accepts your false claims of being a powerful blogger as truth, we don't want Harry Potter to end. OK, that's a lie. We do want Harry Potter to end. Sometimes we wish that Harry Potter had never been born at all. But the Warner Bros big cheeses who rely on Harry Potter to keep them in private jets and man-made vagina-shaped residential islands don't want Harry Potter to end. And what they say goes, because it's just been made official that Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows will be turned into two separate movies. Now Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows will be released in November 2010, with its sequel Harry Potter And The Even More Deathlier Hallows That Make The First Lot Of Deathly Hallows Look A Bit Wimpy And Shit will follow in May 2011.
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