Jessica Simpson/ Tony Romo Split All Daddy Simpson’s Fault

Like us, you’re probably devastated by the news that Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo have split up.

No? You forgot about the Jessica Simpson/ Tony Romo split as soon as you heard about it because you don’t really know who Tony Romo is and you’re not especially fussed whether Jessica Simpson lives or dies? Us neither, now we come to think of it.

Anyway, even though nobody can really put their hand on their heart and honestly claim to even slightly care about any of this, someone must be to blame for Jessica and Tony’s split. And apparently it’s Joe Simpson, Jessica Simpson’s dickish dad, who inadvertently broke the couple up by being all dickish. We know - thrilling.

Jessica Simpson’s career hasn’t been flushed completely down the crapper yet, but it’s close. Since her divorce from Nick Lachey spelt the end of her painful reality TV series, Jessica has tried and failed to make a mark in other mediums.

Her music career floundered when she bodged a Dolly Parton tribute performance and started crying in front of thousands of people, and her movie career went a similar way when only 48 people in America paid to see her last movie Blonde Ambition at the cinema.

Despite this, though, Jessica Simpson has been all over the news this week. That’s partly because Jessica’s little sister Ashlee Simpson is marrying her emo gonk boyfriend tomorrow and partly because she apparently responded to the news that her ex-boyfriend John Mayer is dating Jennifer Aniston by getting hopelessly shitfaced in a bar.

But it’s mainly because Jessica Simpson has split up with Tony Romo, her sport star boyfriend. We still can’t understand why such an adorable couple would split up, since they were obviously perfectly suited - Tony Romo helped keep Jessica Simpson sort of semi-famous and Jessica Simpson inspired Tony Romo to have his worst professional season ever. It was just like the most wonderful relationship ever, except it was rubbish and it had a couple of clueless fuckwits in it.

Anyway, now that Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo are no more, it’s time to use all our detective skills to work out who was responsible for taking Jessica’s heart and splattering it to pieces with a golf club. Oh, it was her Dad? Yeah, that makes sense. He seems like a bit of a dick. The Chicago Sun-Times reports:

Romo says it’s over — mainly for two reasons: the intense media scrutiny that comes from being in Simpson’s life and the problems he has with her overbearing father, Joe Simpson… The talented QB has been put off by the intrusive style of Joe Simpson, who’s been ”not only telling Jessica every move to make, but now has begun to offer unsolicited advice to Tony on his career, endorsement opportunities and things that have nothing to do with him dating Jessica.”

We can’t see this explanation being true ourselves - how can a man who spent most of his adult life strong-arming his children through the cruel machinations of the entertainment business so that he’d be able to vicariously live his failed dreams through them even if it meant openly praising his young daughter’s breasts possibly be capable of pressuring a young successful sports star into several unrequested product endorsement deals? It just doesn’t add up, damnit.

Still, whether or not her father screwed up her love life, Jessica Simpson will be able to take a small amount of solace from the fact that Tony Romo looks set to keep his promise and escort her to Ashlee Simpson’s wedding tomorrow. And we all know that girls like nothing more than to be accompanied to large family events by men who consider them to be physical, sexual and mental failures. Don’t we?

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Cowboy QB drops Jessica - CST