Though they’ll never admit it, every single girl on Earth gets bitterly jealous when their sister gets married.
Except, of course, for Jessica Simpson. Cut Jessica Simpson open and nothing but white beams of joy shoot out of her veins. So, even though Jessica Simpson’s sister Ashlee is due to get married the day after tomorrow, Jessica Simpson has nothing to be angry or bitter or jealous about.
Except that Jessica Simpson’s boyfriend Tony Romo has probably just dumped her and she’ll have to go to the wedding alone and spend a day constantly surrounded by millions of glaring reminders that plenty of people are capable of having successful relationships and she isn’t one of them. Chances are she’s pretty gnawed up about that, to be fair.
Jessica Simpson has weathered a few rough years in the love department recently. Ever since she split up with Nick Lachey she hasn’t been with anyone long enough to convince them to exploit their relationship for monetary gain by whoring themselves out to the first music channel reality show that comes knocking. And isn’t that what true love really is?
However, that all possibly changed when Jessica Simpson met Tony Romo. He was probably the most physically fit man she’d ever met and, as a sports star, he was used to being around oddly-coloured people with hulking lantern jaws so her appearance didn’t freak him out too much.
They were perfect for each other – Tony Romo’s prominence on the sports scene gave Jessica Simpson a profile she hadn’t enjoyed in years, and in return she naused up his season something horrible. Why, we wouldn’t be surprised if Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo stayed together forever.
What’s that? Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson have split up? Oh, OK, forget that last bit. It’s not like we actually meant it. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:
Despite Simpson’s denials, insiders insist the couple has separated, and Dallas Cowboys star Romo has been telling his pals he’s no longer dating the singer… And the rumors of a split have swelled after Romo was spotted partying with a bevy of beauties at a Chicago bar this weekend, while Simpson was working in Los Angeles. One insider at the party tells Life & Style magazine, “He was surrounded by girls. We had to restrain someone who forcibly tried to make her way to his table … He zeroed in on one blond all night, and that blond wasn’t Jessica Simpson.”
If these split stories are true, then that’s bad enough as it is. But what makes it worse is that Jessica’s sister Ashlee Simpson is getting married on Saturday, which basically means that Jessica’s in for a day of being stared at pitifully by elderly relatives and asked if she’s got any plans to get married again non-stop by people she barely recognises who’ll make quiet disappointed noises when she doesn’t catch the bouquet at the end.
But let’s be positive here – if Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo really have split up, then what’s stopping Jessica from making a new reality TV show about her adventures in looking for a new boyfriend. After all, not only will it help her find love again but we all know that Jessica Simpson will shrivel up and die if an MTV camera crew isn’t chronicling her every last sodding move.
And if Jessica Simpson needs some physical affection before then, there’s always her father. he really does love Jessica Simpson’s boobs, you know.
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