As far as creepy showbiz fathers go, Jessica's Simpson's dad Joe is right up there with the best of them – especially when it comes to making sure that Daddy's little girl gets laid.
After her marriage to Nick Lachy fell apart due to public scrutiny and her subsequent relationship with John Mayer disintegrated because nobody gave the tiniest of bumsquirts about it, Jessica Simpson has found herself a new man – Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo. And how did Jessica Simpson convince Tony Romo that she was the bright orange man-jaw for him? She didn't – Joe Simpson did. Apparently Joe Simpson was the middle-man who set Jessica and Tony up, and he didn't even charge them a matchmaker fee either. Obviously Joe stipulated that he had to be sitting six inches away from the action when Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo first go at it together, but there's nothing funny about that.
Some days we wish that Joe Simpson was our father, because he always known the perfect thing to do to cheer his kids up. For example, our own father has never gone public and said anything remotely close to this about us:
"She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she’s sexy in both. She’s got double Ds! You can’t cover those suckers up!"
And, while we know that our father has to live with the constant disappointment of our man-boobs not looking particularly sexy in either a T-shirt or a bustier, it's the sort of slightly creepy statement that Joe Simpson lives for. Joe is always there for Jessica Simpson, no matter what – he was there when her sham of a marriage went tits-up, and when that film she was in with Luke Wilson went straight to DVD, and when she burst into tears onstage because she couldn't sing a Dolly Parton song properly.
And now that Jessica Simpson's love life is going through a bit of a dry patch after her romance with John Mayer ended – presumably because they were both too busy constantly pouting into mirrors to actually ever talk to each other – Joe Simpson is there too, directory of rich sportsmen in one hand and semi-full lube tube in the other.
Joe Simpson, you see, has been playing cupid, reportedly setting up Jessica Simpson with Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo – a man who seems to be doing a perfectly good job of blasting through all the young famous girls in America by himself. However, Tony had his eyes set on Jessica, to the extent that he's even called her his 'dream date' in the past, and that's where Joe stepped in. A source told the New York Post:
“Jessica has been in Nashville and Dallas recording her new country album. When Tony found out, he called Joe and said, ‘I know she’s not dating anyone right now, can I take her out for a drink at least?‘ Jessica said it was OK for Joe to give Tony her number and they hit it off. They’ve been dating for a couple of weeks now, and Jessica is so happy. She’s been texting everyone about how great he is.”
That's a special story, and it just highlights the very special relationship that goes on between Joe and Jessica Simpson. Why, if they stay together for long enough, maybe Joe Simpson will even try to give the couple the ultimate gift – a tawdry, wholly unconvincing, music channel reality TV series about how much they love each other.
And don't worry Ashlee, Daddy's got your back too. Any day now he's going to introduce you to the toothless old homeless battery-licker who lives in the bins outside Woolworths and often screams at his own hands as if he's never seen them before.
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