Everyone loves a nice wedding, don’t they? Or failing that, a mediocre wedding. Or failing that, a wedding between Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz.
And it’s a good job that everyone loves that, because it’s been reported that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are going to get married this very Saturday. We know! It clashes with Norwegian Constitution Day! We’re so torn!
But what about the details of this Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz marriage extravaganza? Has it been officially confirmed? No. Where will it be held? We don’t know. Does this mean that Pete Wentz definitely knocked Ashlee Simpson up? Probably. What if he hasn’t? Then they’re both idiots. How long will this marriage last, anyway? Probably like a week, maybe.
Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are probably the most adorable couple who you couldn’t give a sloppy plop about in the world right now. But it’s OK that you don’t care whether Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz live or die, because the love they have for each other is personal and private and special and sacred. We know this because they’re all over every single bloody magazine and TV show telling us how private their relationship is all the time, so it must be true.
So keen are Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz to keep their love private, in fact, that nobody even knows if Ashlee Simpson is pregnant or not. Although Pete Wentz says she isn’t, reports say she is and Ashlee herself is all like “It’s a secret,” and “It’s personal,” and “Hey, buy my new album.” And this level of frankly unnecessary secrecy even extends to their wedding.
According to reports in US Weekly, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are getting married this Saturday at a location so top-secret that guests are going to be blindfolded, injected with muscle relaxant, spun around for 15 minutes and then driven to the venue on the back of a old-fashioned donkey cart while blasts of white noise are fired into their terrified drooping faces just so it stays as private as they want:
Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz will wed Saturday, May 17 at a “top secret” location, a source close to the couple told Usmagazine.com. “Proper invites have not been sent out but instead guests have been given a save the date notice,” the source told Us. On Saturday, “all guests will be transported in shuttles to the wedding location,” the source explained. Regarding Simpson’s upcoming wedding, her spokesperson told Us: “This is a private matter. There is nothing to confirm.”
So, since the spokespeople are acting so cagey, we should really ask the question: Are Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz really getting married on Saturday at all? And the answer is: We don’t care, and you’re a terrible person if you care.
This is Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz we’re talking about here – the sister of a mildly famous person and the third most important member of a hopeless pop punk band.
If one of them got their jaw kicked off by an angry cow, it’d be hard to bring ourselves to care, so a marriage is hardly going to rock our world, is it?
Still, though, you have to admit that all this secrecy is a little exciting – it’s like the Mariah Carey/Nick Cannon wedding only more thunderingly pointless and even more likely to end in a soul-raping VH-1 reality TV show.
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Source: Ashlee Simpson & Pete Wentz Will Marry This Saturday – US
Rob Delaney says
“guests will be transported by shuttle”
Love those zero-G weddings.