We have a very fulfilling love life, and we owe it all to Kanye West.
We got his New Workout Plan video, complete with Kanye West in a purple spandex singlet and sweatband, and crunched our way to dating NBA players and rappers, just like he promised.
Too bad Kanye West’s fiancée didn’t stick to the plan, too, because she got the saddle bags and muffin top thing going on, and he had to dump her flab-o trash.
Or something. There may have been other issues at hand.
Kanye West is single, everyone. He and his fashion designer fiancée, Alexis Phifer, have broken up, and nobody is happier about that than Kanye West. He’s been patiently waiting for himself to be on the market again, because nobody loves Kanye West more than Kanye West. He’s already been spotted around town enjoying romantic dinners alone with himself followed by long walks on the beach and passionate self-embraces
Meanwhile, Kanye West’s ex-fiancee thinks it’s all quite sad. People reports on her thoughts at this touching time
“It’s always sad when things like this end, and we remain friends. I wish him the best in his future and all of his endeavors. He’s one of the most talented people I’ve ever met.”
Kanye West and Alexis Phifer began dating in 2002, but their relationship has been off and on and off over the years. The two became engaged in 2006, but Alexis’s growing frustration from constantly finding cut outs of Kanye’s face pasted over her face in all of their pictures reportedly put a strain on the couple’s relationship, not to mention the daily reenactments of the MTV Video Music Awards in his Jesus costume where Alexis hands him his coffee in a mug that reads Best Person Ever At Everything and If You Disagree You Don’t Like Black People Like George Bush and I’m Gonna Throw A Massive Fit. It’s a large mug.
Actual, legitimate reports about the break-up say that Kanye West is too dedicated to his work to give his woman what she needs. People reports that a “pal” of Kanye’s said this about the situation:
“They’d been having problems. Kanye is really focused on his show; he’s putting everything into the show right now. Alexis is a nice girl, but Kanye has been going through a rough time. They hit a rough patch and for now they’ve split.”
The show referred to by said chum of Kanye West’s is, of course, the Glow in the Dark tour which setting takes place on a spaceship named Jane, and Captain Kanye lands on a remote planet and has to rap his way home, or something, so of course he doesn’t have the time and energy to devote to a woman all the way back on earth. Stupid earth chicks.
Hopefully, Kanye West and his fiancee can heal now that the pressure of such a demanding relationship has been relieved. Alexis no longer has the pressure of trying to fit All Hail Ye Kanye West King of the Universe Supreme Being on a designer label for Kanye, and Kanye no longer has to try to figure out how to lure Alexis into plastic surgery to transform her into his exact mirror image. Whew.
Read more:
Kanye West’s Fiance ‘Sad’ Over Breakup – People
mst3kster says
“He’s one of the most talented people I’ve ever met.”
Alexis Phifer hasn’t met a whole hell of a lot people, has she?
Rob Delaney says
I facking hate Kanye West, even if he is a “viper 7 guy”.
Grrrrrr.
George Bush isn’t black, by the way.
Stabby McGee says
“…from constantly finding cut outs of Kanye’s face pasted over her face…”
I laughed out loud. You really should write more, Annette.
Annette Hyde says
Aw thanks, Stabby. I’ll do my best. I think that may be the nicest compliment anyone with a name that may, or may not, be indicitive of their preffered act of violence has ever paid me. And there have been quite a few.
gir says
I have it on good authority that Rapey von Tonguelashing was being facetious when he called you “the least objectionable member of the hecklerspray staff”.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.
Stabby McGee says
For the record, stabbing is way overrated.
Meaty says
I was dying.
That was an hysterical article.
Rob Delaney says
It has been pointed out to me that Estelle is actually saying “five foot seven”, not “viper seven”. So it’s not some hip lingo that I’m not familiar with.
I feel vaguely foolish. But it’s nice to know that she’s not height-ist.
Whorehey says
Kanye West loves Kanye West so much he wants to take Kanye behind a middle school and get Kanye pregnant!
Annette Hyde says
What?? Rapey seemed so sincere. I wonder if everything he said to me over that roofie-tini was all just a lie…
kanyeis great says
KANYE IS GREAT.
gir says
Kanye isn’t even as cool as Kane S. Yee, original developer of the Finite-difference time-domain method.
And his name is dumber too. “Kanye”. Feh.