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celebrity relationships

Hugh Hefner Splits Up With Generic Blonde Booby-Model

by Stuart Heritage

Good news, girls – Hugh Hefner, the richest, sexiest, most prolifically sleazy frail old doddery 82-year-old man on Earth, is single again.

Apparently Hugh Hefner has been dumped his number one girlfriend Holly Madison – a woman 54 years younger than him who looks like she was reared in a battery-farm for titty bimbos – and all because Hugh refused to marry her.

Touchingly, Hugh Hefner seems quite sad about the split. There’s no need for him to be – after all, he shouldn’t forget the old saying ‘there are plenty more opportunistic young women who’ve mutilated their bodies for the sake of beauty that are willing to fellate a very old man even though it clearly disgusts them on the off-chance that he’ll write them into his will and make them rich when he dies’. Um, ‘in the sea’.

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Anne Hathaway Finally Talks About Her Follieri Split, Also Rugs

by Stuart Heritage

It’s a big day for Anne Hathaway’s ex, Rafaello Follieri – he’s expected to plead guilty to all his dodgy business dealings later.

So, obviously, it would be a good time for Anne Hathaway to maintain her silence over her suspiciously-timed split with Follieri. After all, when you split up with a man six hours before the FBI arrest him, you’d probably want the fuss to die down a little before you went shooting your mouth off about it.

Which is why we’ve got absolutely nothing to report from Anne Hathaway toda… what? Today just happens to be the exact day that Anne Hathaway’s decided to go public with her version of events? Right before Rafaello Follieri probably hears that he’s going to jail for several years? And she’s decided to do it by using a complex system of rug-positioning metaphors that don’t really make much sense? Do go on.

It's a big day for Anne Hathaway's ex, Rafaello Follieri - he's expected to plead guilty to all his dodgy business dealings later. So, obviously, it would be a good time for Anne Hathaway to maintain her silence over her suspiciously-timed split with Follieri. After all, when you split up with a man six hours before the FBI arrest him, you'd probably want the fuss to die down a little before you went shooting your mouth off about it. Which is why we've got absolutely nothing to report from Anne Hathaway toda... what? Today just happens to be the exact day that Anne Hathaway's decided to go public with her version of events? Right before Rafaello Follieri probably hears that he's going to jail for several years? And she's decided to do it by using a complex system of rug-positioning metaphors that don't really make much sense? Do go on.
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Hey Ladies, Michael Bolton Is Single Again! Phwooar Etc

by Stuart Heritage

Do you want the good news or the bad news? Well tough, there isn’t any bad news. There’s good news and great news – Michael Bolton is single!

Yes, that solitary fact is both good news and great news. Read it again. Michael Bolton is single. Michael. Bolton. Is. Single. Michael Bolton is single! We’ll have to make this brief because we want to spray our nads with Old Spice and form an orderly queue outside Michael Bolton’s house with the rest of the hormone-ravaged ladies. Everyone wins!

OK, maybe it isn’t particularly good news for Desperate Housewives star Nicollette Sheridan, because Michael Bolton only became single after breaking off his engagement to her and she’s probably wallowing around up to her knockers in self-pity as a result. But then it’s probably her fault for having a difficult-to-spell first name, the big cow.

Do you want the good news or the bad news? Well tough, there isn't any bad news. There's good news and great news - Michael Bolton is single! Yes, that solitary fact is both good news and great news. Read it again. Michael Bolton is single. Michael. Bolton. Is. Single. Michael Bolton is single! We'll have to make this brief because we want to spray our nads with Old Spice and form an orderly queue outside Michael Bolton's house with the rest of the hormone-ravaged ladies. Everyone wins! OK, maybe it isn't particularly good news for Desperate Housewives star Nicollette Sheridan, because Michael Bolton only became single after breaking off his engagement to her and she's probably wallowing around up to her knockers in self-pity as a result. But then it's probably her fault for having a difficult-to-spell first name, the big cow.
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Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer Split: He Can’t Commit, She May be Mental

by Ian Dransfield

Aww, put the confetti away – it seems Jennifer Aniston is destined for a life of endless unfulfilling relationships after her fling with John Mayer was consigned to nothingness. Yes, it would seem that the relationship that had been hyped as ‘the love of the century’ – we may be making that one up – [...]

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Lance Armstrong No Longer Humping Kate Hudson

by Stuart Heritage

Ladies! Are you young, blonde, famous and determined to live out the minutiae of your personal life in the harrowing glare of the media?

You ARE? Well what are you waiting around here for? You’re exactly Lance Armstrong’s cup of tea. And he’s single too, now, so form an orderly queue and before long you – yes you! – could be feeling Lance’s solitary testicle smacking repeatedly against your inner thigh during one of several sordid bunk-ups!

Lance Armstrong is single, by the way, because he’s split up with Kate Hudson. They were going out. They were. What do you mean you didn’t know? Don’t you understand how important any of this is? Cuh.

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Shania Twain: The Inevitable Heartbroken Yelp

by Stuart Heritage

All break-ups must be difficult, but it probably stings a bit more if your ugly, almost-pensionable husband leaves you for a funny-looking Swiss lady.

Which is why Shania Twain is hurting so bad at the moment, because her 14-year marriage to Mutt Lange ended when he apparently started having it off with a woman who, to all intents and purposes, looks like a fire-damaged Sandra Bernhard bobblehead doll.

But if anyone can keep Shania Twain’s spirits up it’s her fans, all of whom Shania has sincerely thanked from the bottom of her heart in a message on her website. Don’t get too excited, though, because Shania Twain makes it perfectly that her heart has been broken into tiny pieces. So she’s thanking you from the bottom of something that doesn’t even work properly. What a massive bitch.

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Hey, Woefully Deluded Ladies! George Clooney Is Single Again!

by Stuart Heritage

All women love George Clooney. All of them. There’s just something about that smug, grey-haired old bugger that make the ladies swoon.

And, ladies, here’s some good news – George Clooney is single again. If reports are to be believed, George Clooney has split up with his girlfriend Sarah Larson after a year together.

That’s right, the world has a brand new unattainably handsome and charming millionaire for you to beat yourself up over because deep down you know he wouldn’t give you a second glance in a crowded room even if you spent 15 hours making yourself look pretty. Girls, George Clooney is as good as yours! Maybe you won’t always be single and lonely after all!

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Jessica Simpson & Tony Romo Still Refusing To Die With Dignity

by Stuart Heritage

It’s been eight or nine seconds since our last Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo update, so you’re probably flapping about like a cold turkey junkie desperate for more.

No? You’re not? Your interest in Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo’s relationship is completely casual and you can stop reading about them any time you want? Stop kidding yourself, you’ve got a problem. Listen, if you’re not addicted to Jessica Simpson news, then try not to read the next paragraph.

Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo were spotted out eating dinner last weekend, prompting speculation that their relationship is back on. Yeah, that’s right. We knew you’d read it. And we haven’t even got to the part about Jessica Simpson apparently cheating on Tony Romo with Jared Leto, either. Addict.

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Shania Twain: Man, I Feel Like Cutting My Estranged Husband’s Willy Off

by Stuart Heritage

Shania Twain and Mutt Lange had one of the happiest marriages in Hollywood. Except that they live about 6,000 miles away from Hollywood.

Oh, and it doesn’t seem like they could have been all that happy either. Actually, just discount that entire opening sentence, it’s pretty much all bollocks.

Anyway, the reason why Shania Twain’s marriage was so unhappy was because her husband Mutt Lange was apparently schtupping another woman. Another woman who worked for Shania and Mutt. Another woman who Shania Twain considered to be her best friend. Seriously, if one of these people isn’t given their own reality TV show soon we’ll be buggered.

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Red Hot Chili Peppers Split Up For Not Long Enough

by Stuart Heritage

Hear that? It’s the sound of no ropey funk-rock jam workouts. Lovely, isn’t it? And best of all, it’s a noise you’ll be hearing a lot from now on.

That’s because Red Hot Chili Peppers have announced that they’re splitting up. We know, we were distraught too – what were the Red Hot Chili Peppers if not The Beatles of bad funk-rock that all sounds identical?

But, hey, relax – it’s only a temporary split! According to Red Hot Chili Peppers singer Anthony Kiedis, the group is disbanding for ‘a minimum of one year’ so that they can focus on other things for a while. So, although there won’t be a new Red Hot Chili Peppers album any time soon, at least you’ll be able to console yourself with the upcoming Flea Makes A Directionless Bim-Bom-Bim-Bom Noise Up And Down The Neck Of His Bass For More Than A Day 32-CD solo boxset.

Hear that? It's the sound of no ropey funk-rock jam workouts. Lovely, isn't it? And best of all, it's a noise you'll be hearing a lot from now on. That's because Red Hot Chili Peppers have announced that they're splitting up. We know, we were distraught too - what were the Red Hot Chili Peppers if not The Beatles of bad funk-rock that all sounds identical? But, hey, relax - it's only a temporary split! According to Red Hot Chili Peppers singer Anthony Kiedis, the group is disbanding for 'a minimum of one year' so that they can focus on other things for a while. So, although there won't be a new Red Hot Chili Peppers album any time soon, at least you'll be able to console yourself with the upcoming Flea Makes A Directionless Bim-Bom-Bim-Bom Noise Up And Down The Neck Of His Bass For More Than A Day 32-CD solo boxset.
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