Wannabe Funeral Director and collector of used plasters Angelina Jolie, has revealed that she dreads the day one of her 87 children asks to be excused from the family’s global travels, insisting she will break down in tears when it happens.
It seems Jolie and husband Brad Pitt, pride themselves on their nomadic lifestyle, settling for a few weeks at a time wherever their work takes them.
What’s that we hear you crying stupidly loudly? CHILDREN NEED ROUTINE! A STABLE ENVIRONMENT AND CONSISTENCY! What the hell do you know?
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OK, we were wrong. Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson haven’t split up – they’re just so miserable that they look like they should split up.
Outraged by all the Sam Ronson split talk, Lindsay Lohan has told the world via her MySpace blog that she and Sam absolutely haven’t split up – which we think is code for ‘let’s give it a fortnight, eh?’
Still, though, they’re still together and that’s good. Now if you feel something clawing wildly at your skin at night you’ll know it’s either a murderer or a feral raccoon, and not Lindsay Lohan trying to get her rocks off. Phew.
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Although we suspect that fans of Katy Perry and Gym Class Heroes are already great at coping with disappointment, they probably should brace themselves anyway.
You see Katy Perry and her Gym Class Hero boyfriend Travis McCoy have apparently split up, just weeks after they apparently got engaged. It’s all very sad and, as yet, nobody knows who’ll take custody of their one good song.
The split seems to have hit Travis McCoy particularly hard, as his recent angry blog entries have proved. Honestly, what sort of pathetic loser sits around all day filling the internet with vicious hatred? Oh.
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Probably our favourite thing about Lindsay Lohan is that even her soulmates find her utterly intolerable and borderline repellent.
Just ask Sam Ronson. Reports are emerging suggesting that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson have split up after a series of arguments and frenzied punch-attacks on New Year’s Day.
Whether Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson really have split up remains to be seen, but we hope so. That’d mean that Lindsay Lohan has now exhausted her supply of both men and women, and we’d be keen to see who she tries to have sex with next. Our guess? A bookish owl.
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Sometimes we wonder if Girls Aloud even know the basic rules of pop – you certainly wouldn’t know it to look at them.
If they followed the rules, then Girls Aloud would have split up three years ago, with one of them having a marginally successful solo career, three of them ending up as reality TV show fodder and the fifth one disappearing from sight and porking out a bit. The rules suggest that this would be the ginger one.
But, hey, better late than never – turns out that everyone in Girls Aloud hates Nadine so much that they might be splitting up.
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There isn’t a single British citizen alive who, hand on heart, wouldn’t want to see Paris Hilton crowned as their queen.
That’s fact. Paris Hilton becoming queen would be like that hilarious movie King Ralph except, instead of being about a fat American with bad manners it’d be about a stupid American with no manners. Plus it’d be funnier because it was really happening. And, if one wild-eyed report is to believe, it might just come true – Prince William has been named as a possible cause of the split between Paris Hilton and Benji Madden.
Of course, we’re joking. Regardless of the veracity of these reports, Paris Hilton would make a terrible queen of England. Her days are spent wearing embarrassingly ostentatious jewellery, simpering around important people without ever understanding what they do and leeching piles of money that she doesn’t really deserve. Meanwhile, the Queen’s days are spent… hey, wait a minute!
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There isn't a single British citizen alive who, hand on heart, wouldn't want to see Paris Hilton crowned as their queen.
That's fact. Paris Hilton becoming queen would be like that hilarious movie King Ralph except, instead of being about a fat American with bad manners it'd be about a stupid American with no manners. Plus it'd be funnier because it was really happening. And, if one wild-eyed report is to believe, it might just come true - Prince William has been named as a possible cause of the split between Paris Hilton and Benji Madden.
Of course, we're joking. Regardless of the veracity of these reports, Paris Hilton would make a terrible queen of England. Her days are spent wearing embarrassingly ostentatious jewellery, simpering around important people without ever understanding what they do and leeching piles of money that she doesn't really deserve. Meanwhile, the Queen's days are spent... hey, wait a minute!
Our breakfast toast this morning was slightly overdone so we tried to compensate by putting jelly on both sides. The results were surprisingly sticky.
We’re just throwing that out there in case the Drudge Report, E! Online or the National Enquirer want to run with it as a headline. Not interested? Perhaps they would be if they knew we used two different jelly flavours – one of them mint. Also we unconventionally spread it on there with the back of a spoon.
Still nobody interested? Its free you know – we don’t want a cut or anything. Just take the story. You could use the headline hecklerspray double jellies its morning toast with spoon from filthy sink pile.
That’d be far more interesting than the story most of them are running about the Paris Hilton/Benji Madden break-up. C’mon you websites – think of the increased internet traffic!
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You may not have known who she was until yesterday, but Camilla Belle is basically a giganto-browed Angelina Jolie lite.
This is because the Joe Jonas/ Taylor Swift/ Camilla Belle triangle of pointlessness echoes the Jolie/ Pitt/ Aniston saga fairly closely. Admittedly this theory doesn’t hold up to scrutiny that well, because if Camilla Belle is Angelina Jolie then that makes her new boyfriend Joe Jonas Brad Pitt, and we all know that Joe Jonas looks too much like an anime lesbian for that to work.
However, Taylor Swift is definitely Jennifer Aniston in all of this, because she’s been gripped by a compulsion to publicly discuss her split from Joe Jonas as much as humanly possible. You see, Taylor Swift says that Camilla Belle stole Joe Jonas from her, and that he’d been cheating on her for months. Is it true? If we find one person who even slightly cares we swear we’ll tear off both our kneecaps.
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