OK, we were wrong. Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson haven’t split up – they’re just so miserable that they look like they should split up.
Outraged by all the Sam Ronson split talk, Lindsay Lohan has told the world via her MySpace blog that she and Sam absolutely haven’t split up – which we think is code for ‘let’s give it a fortnight, eh?’
Still, though, they’re still together and that’s good. Now if you feel something clawing wildly at your skin at night you’ll know it’s either a murderer or a feral raccoon, and not Lindsay Lohan trying to get her rocks off. Phew.
We’re sorry to have to tell you this, but the tears you shed yesterday upon hearing that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson had split up were all for nothing.
You see, that thing that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson apparently did on New Year’s Day – having an argument in a hotel that quickly escalated into a vicious WWE-style brawl that had to be broken up by security – was simply how lesbians express their love for one another. Or something. We don’t know. Look, the important thing is that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson haven’t split up, OK? Good.
How do we know that Lindsay and Sam are still together? Because Lindsay Lohan told us, that’s how. Well, not us specifically – in fact Lindsay Lohan chose to tell the legions of hooting all-caps remedial-level ninnies that make up the MySpace community via a post on her ever hilarious blog. Lindsay wrote:
little piece of TRUE information: we did NOT break up! access hollywood, extra, et, every tabloid, page six… AND every GOSSIP website. Get your stories straight please. It’s really annoying to have all of your friends emailing you saying, i saw i read etc… NOT TRUE xoxox Lindsay
That last bit, by the way, is pronounced ‘zokzoz’, and denotes a kind of high-level ranking in the church of Scientology. This is definitely true. Tom Cruise is three ranks up from Lindsay and signs off his paranoid MySpace blogs with ‘xarknoxxle Tom’. We may have made this entire paragraph up.
Anyway, the important thing is that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson haven’t split up. They’re still completely an item, and the New Year’s fight – if it happened at all – was just a one-off. After all, both Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson have been under a lot of pressure lately – Lindsay Lohan is still looking to find a job that she won’t immediately be fired from and Sam Ronson has a specific type of exhaustion that arises when you don’t have a proper job and your girlfriend’s an idiot.
So the panic’s over. Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson still love each other as much as ever, and they’re planning to spend 2009 doing what they do best – trudging around various cities together pulling glum faces that make them look like they’re both breathing in concentrated animal farts.
And if we have to write another story this week about how Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson have really split up for good, we’re shooting someone.
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steve says
Nope… don’t care. Not one bit.
Irish gemini says
no sir… I didn’t like it.
Anon says
Let’s permanently leave it at that, shall we?