You may not have known who she was until yesterday, but Camilla Belle is basically a giganto-browed Angelina Jolie lite.
This is because the Joe Jonas/ Taylor Swift/ Camilla Belle triangle of pointlessness echoes the Jolie/ Pitt/ Aniston saga fairly closely. Admittedly this theory doesn’t hold up to scrutiny that well, because if Camilla Belle is Angelina Jolie then that makes her new boyfriend Joe Jonas Brad Pitt, and we all know that Joe Jonas looks too much like an anime lesbian for that to work.
However, Taylor Swift is definitely Jennifer Aniston in all of this, because she’s been gripped by a compulsion to publicly discuss her split from Joe Jonas as much as humanly possible. You see, Taylor Swift says that Camilla Belle stole Joe Jonas from her, and that he’d been cheating on her for months. Is it true? If we find one person who even slightly cares we swear we’ll tear off both our kneecaps.
Yesterday’s news that Joe Jonas has found love with Camilla Belle from 10,000 BC sounded sweet enough at first. After all, Joe and Camilla are both young, both pretty, both morally strict and both in possession of vast, light-absorbing eyebrows that make them look like they’ve been partially tarred and feathered by an angry mob of medieval beauty therapists.
Yes, Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle are perfect for each other. Well, we assume they are, anyway. We’re not actually going to pretend we’ve heard of either of them. But, as perfect as Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle seem together, there’s a dark force hiding in the shadows threatening to rise up and destroy them. Worse still, it’s a force that sings country music. It’s Taylor Swift.
There was a time when Taylor Swift and Joe Jonas were happy together. Happy, but completely secret in case the fact that Joe Jonas had a girlfriend ruined his pure virginal public image. But then tragedy struck – Joe Jonas dumped Taylor Swift in a 25-second telephone call, and Taylor Swift got mad. She spoke of the split in interviews, she made a little puppet show about the split on MySpace, she even wrote sad country songs about the split and she even felt the need to comment about a possible pregnancy after the split. And now we know why she’s so angry.
Taylor Swift has claimed that Joe Jonas was cheating on her with Camilla Belle for ages before they were publicly linked. And you know what that means – more rabid screeching about the Jonas Brothers. OK! reports:
“They’ve been together for months,” Taylor tells OK!. “That’s why we broke up.” Swift says her best advice for getting over a heartbreak is to “write songs about it.” When OK! asked if she and Joe are still friends, Taylor curtly replied, “We don’t talk.”
You don’t have to be a mathematician to see where Taylor Swift is coming from here – if Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle have been together for months, and Joe Jonas only split up with Taylor Swift a month ago, then the only obvious conclusion is nobody cares nobody cares oh christ nobody cares.
Despite this, though, these endless romantic tweeny machinations can only have a positive ending for all involved. Taylor Swift will end up writing 400 albums about the time a girly-looking teenage boy broke her heart, and Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle can spend the rest of their lives gazing adoringly into each other’s eyebrows. It’s perfect.